I recently experienced a shift and made a decision contrary to what the standard of care and my oncologist and team recommend. I then experienced intense conflict with some family. I was stunned at their harsh judgments. I handled it better than in the past, but I sensed there was something I needed to learn.

I requested a private Dalian Method session from Mada and she guided me to discover and release more subtle layers of fear and confusion and then I was able to connect to my intuition. She then encouraged me to stay true to myself but also to have compassion for my family. I was reminded of just how much fear I’ve addressed in myself over the years which gave me more understanding of the amount of fear and confusion happening inside each family member (on the surface we looked very different but they were mirroring to me my own fear and confusion).

It was my mom and me on a hot day in Baghdad (where we lived at the time). I was miserable as I was being dragged on another boring errand to the market.

I wanted to be playing. I wanted to be running around and having fun.

But instead, I was stuck there watching as she mulled over prices at the stalls, looking carefully at the grocery items. I’m impatient and antsy and she senses it. As usual, she admonishes me to stay close to her (I made adults nervous with my tendency to bolt when they weren’t looking)

I dedicated my life to only one thing; conquering death by learning to die consciously.

As a young adult I gladly and with great relief left the world and joined a group of monks in a simple small remote village. A village isolated and far removed from the activity of the world. I spent the rest of my days meditating and listening to and trying to understand the teachings of the Buddha and the wisdom of my Lama (teacher and spiritual guide in Buddhism). I tried very hard to learn how to die consciously. It was the only goal I had. Nothing else mattered to me. Why would it? The world as the scriptures taught me, is just an illusion.

In an intuition program as a client is transforming what’s been holding them back, it’s not uncommon for me to show up to one of our sessions hearing their urgent concern that their ego is now getting big.

“I need help healing this ego-trip that I’m on”

And then they share more about the experiences they are having.

As I listen it is clear to me that they are actually feeling confident in a new way. They are falling in love with themselves. 

This is not just on a “I believe in myself” mental level. 

It is a very real contact with the being.

I was attending a morning networking meeting and one thing the organizer does to help us break the ice and get to know each other is to pose a question at each meeting.

This particular morning the question was “Who has been the biggest influence on your life?”

There was not much time to think before it was my turn to answer - Instantly my mother came to mind. Which surprised me at first.

She was working as a prostitute.

She lived in a tiny one-room musty shack in the worst part of town. Nighttime was her working time. She was used to all kinds of men that would come knocking on her door. Some were even doctors, clergymen, and lawyers (They could depend on her to hold their secrets).

So when she opened the door on this early evening and saw an elderly sage man, it surprised her, but not that much. She invited him in the way she does all the others. He right away explained that he was here to help her. He told her this life was no longer hers and she is meant for something better. She broke into tears. No one had ever spoken to her this way. With such belief, kindness, and caring.

She is loved by the innocent for the safety, clarity, and compassion they feel in her presence.

She is feared by deceivers and spirit-violators and black-magic makers.

She sees through deception and detects harm coming - even from long distances - even when hidden behind thick veils.

Pettiness, mindless complaining, competitiveness, jealousies, trivialities, and gossip - are not given any room in her energy field.

Her silence can speak volumes.

Her eyes sparkle with joy, intensity, and fire for life.

A tree begins as a seed covered in darkness and then breaks up through the ground and grows toward the light.

But to me, that’s not the whole story, of the tree, of life.

I'm a wild horse.

I run at my own pace.

I don't wait on others to catch up.

I don't try to keep with others that are faster than me.

I love my freedom.

I also love crossing paths with other wild ones.

I'm sensitive to others' energy.

If someone is a kind spirit I am glad to help them.

If someone is caring and I can learn something from them, I don't mind being trained and being obedient.

If I feel restricted or disrespected I will break free and run away.

Any other wild horses here?

I was diagnosed as Borderline Bipolar in my late twenties.

Years later through my inner healing process, I began to experience something;

My Center

I discovered that this center, this place inside me, when I connected to it, I was connected to something that stayed unchanged and unaffected throughout all my changing moods, energies, and states.

If you are meant to speak up but stay silent, you will experience inner noise and unrest.

If you are meant to be silent but make yourself speak, you will drain your energy.

Let expression and silence be the natural dance partners that they are.

The dance they dance is unpredictable and astonishing.

The inner dolphin loves to be free and play.

And share with others that love to be free and play (go exploring together).

She communicates telepathically and sends out vibrational messages.

She enjoys receiving others' communications and vibrations.

Being vulnerable - it's not only about sharing a problem, challenge, or pain from inside yourself.

It is that but it's also expressing the love, the happy, and the appreciation you feel too.

It requires a letting go of "importance" or "specialness" and all the 'what ifness' swirling around you.

The true importance and specialness is in what is flowing through you at this moment.

And if you listen closely to it, it will tell you the way it wants to be expressed.

Feelings of anger and frustration came up for me this week. Yet also heaviness and resistance at the thought of facing and exploring these feelings. The anger and frustration was triggered by recent world and U.S. events.
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Ugh, it’s too much, I just wanted to numb it all and go to sleep.

But I knew I needed to work with these feelings.

I started expressing it and the feelings of anger and frustration grew stronger and just kept coming, over and over. It felt endless as I traveled through this anger. I kept saying “I hate this situation!” and “I hate being here!”. Resistance and tiredness still in my body as I traveled back through many lifetimes. I felt acute frustration with this f***ing broken-record of experience on this planet: The same manipulation, the same darkness, the same hypnosis that uses fear to control people.

I’ve been working on this habit of mine to avoid things that I assume I won’t enjoy.
 
There were small trees sprouting up very close to the house I live in. I didn’t want to procrastinate any longer on getting them removed. (sad for the trees I know, but they can damage the house and I feel responsible for caring for the house).
 
I finally got the right equipment to cut them down. Leading up to doing it and while doing this project my mind kept saying “I can’t do it. This is too hard and too much work”.

I was missing a man I had been experiencing a profound and exciting long-distance connection with. He resides way over on the other side of the Atlantic. In particular, I felt a painful aching to feel his physical body close and his arms around me firmly. I longed to feel our skin touch.


This wasn’t the first time I struggled with this impossible to satisfy need. This time however I wondered if or how I could give what I longed for - to myself. I asked myself: Can I give to myself what I want from another? A curiosity arose about what could be possible

I’ve discovered something. I measured the size of the heart and it is the same size as the universe.
 
It is that big! It can open that much! It can vibrate out to the edge of ALL that is.
 
This has been an extraordinary discovery for me.
 
And another discovery: I've often felt the heart to be warm and sweet - yet there is something else.
 
The heart is wild. SO WILD.

My father had a brief stay in the hospital once (it turned out to be nothing serious).
 
Several of us were visiting and had gathered around him as he rested in his hospital bed. He and my young nephew were hungry so someone brought some burgers and fries.
 
While eating my father offered my little nephew one of his fries. My nephew instinctively and gleefully took it and gobbled it up.

​On the periphery we each have our stories, diverse experiences, and unique way of being in the world.
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At our core, in our center, is something beyond our personal identity.

This is the only place where I’ve glimpsed true equality and unity.

This place is also sometimes called the zero-point. Where nothing is happening and yet all is possible.

Creating a better world that allows our human potential to thrive has to involve making the world kinder for children.

In order to make the world a kinder place for children we must first become aware of what harms them.

In order to become aware of what harms them, we must first become aware of how we adults have been manipulated and harmed.

One of the biggest problems globally is the epidemic of child abuse. More specifically massive pedophilia and sex trafficking kept in place by those in the highest positions of power. Politics and Religious organizations are two major things keeping this in place.

I sense the light on this planet is growing and that as the light grows, it exposes the darkness. I have observed how this happens within us personally and also how it plays out on the world stage.

Many are saying no to any conspiracies, they don't want to hear it. And it's your right to choose what information and views you want to be open to. This can be needed even in order to help yourself adjust to the changes you may already be going through.

But I've often heard the phrase "conspiracy theorist" in a derogatory way. It can even have a lot of animosity and aggression in how it's used. People can conveniently dismiss a perspective or someone as "crazy" so as not to acknowledge discomfort or have to self-reflect.

Recently I was struggling with my mind and was experiencing exhaustion. I could barely focus on anything longer than a few minutes and the exhaustion felt deep and existential. 

My thoughts were around how it's all so meaningless. I'm too tired to care. What's the point? It's all so meaningless. So much suffering (mine and others). So many lifetimes of seeking, of trying and what has it done? Nothing. I have nothing to show for any of it.

In my personal experience in how my self-awareness has grown in the 45 years I've been alive, and in my observation of people: I've realized something.

Most people who are afraid don't know they are afraid.

A story:

This was about 5 or so years ago, one morning during meditation I got a clear urging from within to focus on being centered.

So I stayed very focused on that peaceful unmoving center within me as I got ready for work.

When I was younger I would get pumped at this time of year with renewed hope for change (a brand new me!). I would make New Year’s resolutions with gusto, and then several weeks later would give up. Whatever change I planned was harder than I realized. I would feel deflated as I lost that hope to become the person I thought I should be in order to be happy.

Then the next time came around and I would do the same thing thinking “This time I really mean it. I’m going to try harder.”

Nothing really changed.

At first, I felt uncomfortable and 'icky' about promoting and selling. I then got over that part and went into all of it enthusiastically and without bias. In the past few years, I have tried on many things and strategies while learning how to run this small solo business. 

Money. It seemed weird and random, a game of numbers that I didn’t know how to play. Now I feel the energetics of it. Sometimes I must charge a certain amount, sometimes I feel right in making something more accessible or free.