I dedicated my life to only one thing; conquering death by learning to die consciously.

As a young adult I gladly and with great relief left the world and joined a group of monks in a simple small remote village. A village isolated and far removed from the activity of the world. I spent the rest of my days meditating and listening to and trying to understand the teachings of the Buddha and the wisdom of my Lama (teacher and spiritual guide in Buddhism). I tried very hard to learn how to die consciously. It was the only goal I had. Nothing else mattered to me. Why would it? The world as the scriptures taught me, is just an illusion.

She was working as a prostitute.

She lived in a tiny one-room musty shack in the worst part of town. Nighttime was her working time. She was used to all kinds of men that would come knocking on her door. Some were even doctors, clergymen, and lawyers (They could depend on her to hold their secrets).

So when she opened the door on this early evening and saw an elderly sage man, it surprised her, but not that much. She invited him in the way she does all the others. He right away explained that he was here to help her. He told her this life was no longer hers and she is meant for something better. She broke into tears. No one had ever spoken to her this way. With such belief, kindness, and caring.

Feelings of anger and frustration came up for me this week. Yet also heaviness and resistance at the thought of facing and exploring these feelings. The anger and frustration was triggered by recent world and U.S. events.
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Ugh, it’s too much, I just wanted to numb it all and go to sleep.

But I knew I needed to work with these feelings.

I started expressing it and the feelings of anger and frustration grew stronger and just kept coming, over and over. It felt endless as I traveled through this anger. I kept saying “I hate this situation!” and “I hate being here!”. Resistance and tiredness still in my body as I traveled back through many lifetimes. I felt acute frustration with this f***ing broken-record of experience on this planet: The same manipulation, the same darkness, the same hypnosis that uses fear to control people.

I’ve been working on this habit of mine to avoid things that I assume I won’t enjoy.
 
There were small trees sprouting up very close to the house I live in. I didn’t want to procrastinate any longer on getting them removed. (sad for the trees I know, but they can damage the house and I feel responsible for caring for the house).
 
I finally got the right equipment to cut them down. Leading up to doing it and while doing this project my mind kept saying “I can’t do it. This is too hard and too much work”.

My father had a brief stay in the hospital once (it turned out to be nothing serious).
 
Several of us were visiting and had gathered around him as he rested in his hospital bed. He and my young nephew were hungry so someone brought some burgers and fries.
 
While eating my father offered my little nephew one of his fries. My nephew instinctively and gleefully took it and gobbled it up.

In my personal experience in how my self-awareness has grown in the 45 years I've been alive, and in my observation of people: I've realized something.

Most people who are afraid don't know they are afraid.

A story:

This was about 5 or so years ago, one morning during meditation I got a clear urging from within to focus on being centered.

So I stayed very focused on that peaceful unmoving center within me as I got ready for work.

I had an experience.

It happened while bartending. Over 12 years ago.

The bar I worked in had a cigarette machine in the back. The bartenders were told to keep an eye out for under-18 teens sneaking in to get cigarettes.

One night three young-looking guys walked in and headed toward the cigarettes. I stopped them to check their I.D.s.

My perspective on what it means to Be Conscious.

It is not in the way I talk or words I use. It's not the way I look, act, or dress. It is not a technique I use or approach to life I prefer. It is not the teacher I love working with.  Nor is it about some kind of gift, talent, or ability. It is not in being kind nor is it in any particular trait in me. 

It's not a list of good deeds I can show off.

It's not in the money or any outer success I can attain.

​It's not in environmentally aware habits, living clean, or simple. It's not in not having money, success or possessions either.

I hated talking about my feelings. Ugh. Sharing my inner world. It was awful. This is how I felt up till my early thirties or so.

But I would have times of intense depression and desperation and the psychiatric medications I took weren’t enough to completely numb it. There was this idea I had that when you have an emotional or mental problem you “get help”. Like some kind of magical solution happens when you “get help”.

“This Should Be Easy” ​<- Ever have this judgment toward yourself?

I have this habit - ​When anything breaks or something needs to be maintained: on my car, on my computer, or in my home. I immediately go into mental complaining and resistance. If possible I will find a way to avoid dealing with it.

Even the smallest things. The other day I got home and a light bulb in my kitchen went out. My mind immediately said what it typically says “Oh man, such a pain. Nah, I’ll change the light bulb later. I can live with less light in here”.

Dating is totally different for me since doing inner work. It has gone from painful drama to Adventure.

A story...
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Several years ago I met a man online. At first it was just a few friendly messages. The conversations quickly became more frequent and we seemed to have a lot in common. I found him easy to talk to. We started chatting on video too (we live in different states).

In our conversations I would have these moments thinking “wow, he says all the right things!”. I felt such a strong connection and trust with him. And this is all happening in the space of 3 weeks or so. I felt like I could really be myself and not worry about anything.

One day last year I had something come up. Deep Sadness. Lots of tears.

As I wondered what this was about, a thought came,

“The planet is sick and dying and needs our help”

I was surprised. I had no idea I believed this. It was an awful feeling. An awful thought. It brought such a heavy feeling of sadness and dread. I continued to feel all of it and then after a few minutes suddenly the sadness lifted and the tears stopped. I felt calm and still.

A couple of years ago (actually I don’t know when exactly, I’m just guessing) I noticed this growing anxiety whenever a cop car was behind me or near me while driving. This got to the point of being pretty uncomfortable.

​So I found a way to calm myself.

​I would first check a few things: driving the speed limit...check! got my seat belt on...check! staying in my own lane...check! I would make sure I wasn’t driving like a drunk person (which is funny because I rarely drink alcohol these days). I then would tell myself that they just happened to be behind me and I haven’t done anything wrong, so there's no reason to be nervous.

So a while back I was driving and stopped at a light. I looked over across the intersection and became suddenly and deeply enthralled with this car this woman was driving.

I was really looking at it. Noticing all the rust, how the car is so many different colors of paint.. just for some strange reason amazed and really focused at the junkiness of her car.

And then all of a sudden I snap out of it. And I start laughing, like wow what was that!?

Because I DRIVE A JUNKY CAR!