My Fear of Cops and the Beauty of Being Irrational

A couple of years ago (actually I don’t know when exactly, I’m just guessing) I noticed this growing anxiety whenever a cop car was behind me or near me while driving. This got to the point of being pretty uncomfortable.

​So I found a way to calm myself.

​I would first check a few things: driving the speed limit...check! got my seat belt on...check! staying in my own lane...check! I would make sure I wasn’t driving like a drunk person (which is funny because I rarely drink alcohol these days). I then would tell myself that they just happened to be behind me and I haven’t done anything wrong, so there's no reason to be nervous.

Very logical and rational right? Yeah and it helped me feel calm and sane (in control). So it became my routine.

I did my routine one particular morning on the way to work when a cop car was right behind me. Okay, all good. When I left for my lunch break, it happened again. So yep I did the routine, no problem. But then on the same day on my way home from work, it happened again! What?!? Wait! Okay, hmmm. Life is trying to tell me something here.

This time I did something very different. I instinctively went directly into my body and just felt the sensations. No checklist. No self talk. No plan. No mental process at all. Just pure feeling. I ended up shaking in fear so much I had to stop so I could focus on driving. Wow, I couldn’t believe how strong the panic was!

At home I did a Dalian Method™ healing session on myself. When I followed this thread that began with fear of cops, all kinds of fears surfaced. Much of it related to many types of authority figures, not just the police. I was able to transform so much at the root source. Most of it was childhood memories and thoughts circulating in my unconscious.

Three childhood memories stand out right now from that healing session: In first grade I had an abusive teacher who hit me for not following her directions. Secondly I witnessed police being threatening to others (who to me were innocent and kind people) which scared me at such a young age. Lastly I was affected by hot-tempered adults I grew up around (as children we are so sensitive, we are like sponges for adults’ unresolved emotions).

As I cleared these issues I saw everything with a fresh perspective. I saw that my whole life, that even when I thought I wasn’t intimidated (I would have probably denied it had someone told me I was in fear) I still had a tendency to be submissive around any person I viewed as an authority. I saw how often I made myself small to avoid anger and confrontation. I saw how often I held back when I disagreed with people, I even suppressed mildly differing opinions.

Most importantly, after transforming all that fear and submissiveness, I saw that all this shrinking back was not necessary anymore. My inner child felt free, empowered, and strong. I began to truly see people, regardless of their status, job, or role, as my equal.

Last year (I’m guessing again) I got pulled over by a policeman for expired plates. When I interacted with the officer I felt completely at ease. No tension. No anxiety. I saw him for what he really was. Just another human being. I’m human. He’s human. That was suddenly SO obvious to me. I even calmly corrected him when he got my personal information wrong. He apologized for the mistake. 

I never thought I would be so happy getting a ticket! Ha! But I was!

So if I would have just continued to use my routine (my rational mind) to calm myself down I would have missed an opportunity to free myself of a lifelong unconscious pattern. 

And this is just the story that wanted to be told. But I have so many more stories of healing like this that began by something that at first seemed like an irrational or illogical reaction in me.

So it’s not always smart to stay rational is it? In fact rational, at times, can be another word for controlled.

Using our thoughts to make ourselves feel better may be understandable and even appropriate at times. But if we haven't yet seen the root of a recurring issue, we are actually just putting a temporary band-aid on the situation,  a situation that when explored deeper, in our body and unconscious, can open us up to profound leaps in awareness.