I recently experienced a shift and made a decision contrary to what the standard of care and my oncologist and team recommend. I then experienced intense conflict with some family. I was stunned at their harsh judgments. I handled it better than in the past, but I sensed there was something I needed to learn.

I requested a private Dalian Method session from Mada and she guided me to discover and release more subtle layers of fear and confusion and then I was able to connect to my intuition. She then encouraged me to stay true to myself but also to have compassion for my family. I was reminded of just how much fear I’ve addressed in myself over the years which gave me more understanding of the amount of fear and confusion happening inside each family member (on the surface we looked very different but they were mirroring to me my own fear and confusion).

It was my mom and me on a hot day in Baghdad (where we lived at the time). I was miserable as I was being dragged on another boring errand to the market.

I wanted to be playing. I wanted to be running around and having fun.

But instead, I was stuck there watching as she mulled over prices at the stalls, looking carefully at the grocery items. I’m impatient and antsy and she senses it. As usual, she admonishes me to stay close to her (I made adults nervous with my tendency to bolt when they weren’t looking)

I dedicated my life to only one thing; conquering death by learning to die consciously.

As a young adult I gladly and with great relief left the world and joined a group of monks in a simple small remote village. A village isolated and far removed from the activity of the world. I spent the rest of my days meditating and listening to and trying to understand the teachings of the Buddha and the wisdom of my Lama (teacher and spiritual guide in Buddhism). I tried very hard to learn how to die consciously. It was the only goal I had. Nothing else mattered to me. Why would it? The world as the scriptures taught me, is just an illusion.

In an intuition program as a client is transforming what’s been holding them back, it’s not uncommon for me to show up to one of our sessions hearing their urgent concern that their ego is now getting big.

“I need help healing this ego-trip that I’m on”

And then they share more about the experiences they are having.

As I listen it is clear to me that they are actually feeling confident in a new way. They are falling in love with themselves. 

This is not just on a “I believe in myself” mental level. 

It is a very real contact with the being.

I was attending a morning networking meeting and one thing the organizer does to help us break the ice and get to know each other is to pose a question at each meeting.

This particular morning the question was “Who has been the biggest influence on your life?”

There was not much time to think before it was my turn to answer - Instantly my mother came to mind. Which surprised me at first.

Being vulnerable - it's not only about sharing a problem, challenge, or pain from inside yourself.

It is that but it's also expressing the love, the happy, and the appreciation you feel too.

It requires a letting go of "importance" or "specialness" and all the 'what ifness' swirling around you.

The true importance and specialness is in what is flowing through you at this moment.

And if you listen closely to it, it will tell you the way it wants to be expressed.

Feelings of anger and frustration came up for me this week. Yet also heaviness and resistance at the thought of facing and exploring these feelings. The anger and frustration was triggered by recent world and U.S. events.
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Ugh, it’s too much, I just wanted to numb it all and go to sleep.

But I knew I needed to work with these feelings.

I started expressing it and the feelings of anger and frustration grew stronger and just kept coming, over and over. It felt endless as I traveled through this anger. I kept saying “I hate this situation!” and “I hate being here!”. Resistance and tiredness still in my body as I traveled back through many lifetimes. I felt acute frustration with this f***ing broken-record of experience on this planet: The same manipulation, the same darkness, the same hypnosis that uses fear to control people.

I was missing a man I had been experiencing a profound and exciting long-distance connection with. He resides way over on the other side of the Atlantic. In particular, I felt a painful aching to feel his physical body close and his arms around me firmly. I longed to feel our skin touch.


This wasn’t the first time I struggled with this impossible to satisfy need. This time however I wondered if or how I could give what I longed for - to myself. I asked myself: Can I give to myself what I want from another? A curiosity arose about what could be possible

I’ve discovered something. I measured the size of the heart and it is the same size as the universe.
 
It is that big! It can open that much! It can vibrate out to the edge of ALL that is.
 
This has been an extraordinary discovery for me.
 
And another discovery: I've often felt the heart to be warm and sweet - yet there is something else.
 
The heart is wild. SO WILD.

​On the periphery we each have our stories, diverse experiences, and unique way of being in the world.
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At our core, in our center, is something beyond our personal identity.

This is the only place where I’ve glimpsed true equality and unity.

This place is also sometimes called the zero-point. Where nothing is happening and yet all is possible.

Creating a better world that allows our human potential to thrive has to involve making the world kinder for children.

In order to make the world a kinder place for children we must first become aware of what harms them.

In order to become aware of what harms them, we must first become aware of how we adults have been manipulated and harmed.

One of the biggest problems globally is the epidemic of child abuse. More specifically massive pedophilia and sex trafficking kept in place by those in the highest positions of power. Politics and Religious organizations are two major things keeping this in place.

I sense the light on this planet is growing and that as the light grows, it exposes the darkness. I have observed how this happens within us personally and also how it plays out on the world stage.

Many are saying no to any conspiracies, they don't want to hear it. And it's your right to choose what information and views you want to be open to. This can be needed even in order to help yourself adjust to the changes you may already be going through.

But I've often heard the phrase "conspiracy theorist" in a derogatory way. It can even have a lot of animosity and aggression in how it's used. People can conveniently dismiss a perspective or someone as "crazy" so as not to acknowledge discomfort or have to self-reflect.

Recently I was struggling with my mind and was experiencing exhaustion. I could barely focus on anything longer than a few minutes and the exhaustion felt deep and existential. 

My thoughts were around how it's all so meaningless. I'm too tired to care. What's the point? It's all so meaningless. So much suffering (mine and others). So many lifetimes of seeking, of trying and what has it done? Nothing. I have nothing to show for any of it.

In my personal experience in how my self-awareness has grown in the 45 years I've been alive, and in my observation of people: I've realized something.

Most people who are afraid don't know they are afraid.

A story:

This was about 5 or so years ago, one morning during meditation I got a clear urging from within to focus on being centered.

So I stayed very focused on that peaceful unmoving center within me as I got ready for work.

Not feeling good enough for someone. Who hasn't felt this way at some point?

​Here is my understanding about this.-
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​When we are carrying an insecurity about ourselves, we may experience others as not accepting us.

This can result as patterns of conflict with others or of trying to please them. This is very common but keeps us trapped in a painful and draining situation.

I don't go to art museums much anymore. I used to. I've always loved visual art. But when I discovered something called Process Art years ago, I realized what I loved.

It is aliveness. It is spontaneity. It is originality. It is the surprise of color and form and how they interact.

I had an experience.

It happened while bartending. Over 12 years ago.

The bar I worked in had a cigarette machine in the back. The bartenders were told to keep an eye out for under-18 teens sneaking in to get cigarettes.

One night three young-looking guys walked in and headed toward the cigarettes. I stopped them to check their I.D.s.

My perspective on what it means to Be Conscious.

It is not in the way I talk or words I use. It's not the way I look, act, or dress. It is not a technique I use or approach to life I prefer. It is not the teacher I love working with.  Nor is it about some kind of gift, talent, or ability. It is not in being kind nor is it in any particular trait in me. 

It's not a list of good deeds I can show off.

It's not in the money or any outer success I can attain.

​It's not in environmentally aware habits, living clean, or simple. It's not in not having money, success or possessions either.

I hated talking about my feelings. Ugh. Sharing my inner world. It was awful. This is how I felt up till my early thirties or so.

But I would have times of intense depression and desperation and the psychiatric medications I took weren’t enough to completely numb it. There was this idea I had that when you have an emotional or mental problem you “get help”. Like some kind of magical solution happens when you “get help”.

Light and positivity are not the same thing to me. If I relegated light to being positive my actual inner light would be restricted and stunted.

Light in the way I'm meaning it here is Consciousness.

Think of a flash light in a dark room. It reveals what has been hidden.

I allow both my “positive” and “negative”. I put those in quotes because truly to me, whatever reveals the truth, is ultimately positive. It is a YES to life itself.

Self-Empowerment is super messy. For a while.

If someone’s been living in a largely dis-empowered state for quite a while and their inner power is waking up - there is an adjustment phase. There will be mistakes and finer areas of learning and growth. Just like with anything new that we do or step into.

WEIRD

This word.

I've been called weird almost all my life.

Such a sore spot in me anytime someone would say this to me. Ouch.

Dear Men,

Thank you for all your strength. For all the times you had to go into battle and face harm and even death. For all the hard work you have done under the pressure to provide and to protect.

For thousands of lifetimes, you have had to be the strong one. The one who knew all the answers. The one who took charge. Who fixed it all. Who could never show weakness. You have had to stay on guard for so long.

Dating is totally different for me since doing inner work. It has gone from painful drama to Adventure.

A story...
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Several years ago I met a man online. At first it was just a few friendly messages. The conversations quickly became more frequent and we seemed to have a lot in common. I found him easy to talk to. We started chatting on video too (we live in different states).

In our conversations I would have these moments thinking “wow, he says all the right things!”. I felt such a strong connection and trust with him. And this is all happening in the space of 3 weeks or so. I felt like I could really be myself and not worry about anything.

“Negative emotions are toxic to your physical health”

I hear this often. This is one of those statements I found needs expanding on, by itself it can be misunderstood.

Yes it’s true that our mental and emotional state affect our physical health and can contribute to illness. It’s good to be aware of how everything is connected. Yet the idea that our emotions are toxic can, ironically, contribute to the very toxicity we want to avoid.