loving myself in HIS absence

I was missing a man I had been experiencing a profound and exciting long-distance connection with. He resides way over on the other side of the Atlantic. In particular, I felt a painful aching to feel his physical body close and his arms around me firmly. I longed to feel our skin touch.


This wasn’t the first time I struggled with this impossible to satisfy need. This time however I wondered if or how I could give what I longed for - to myself. I asked myself: Can I give to myself what I want from another? A curiosity arose about what could be possible

I then, without thinking, removed all my clothes and walked into my bedroom. I laid down on my back feeling held by the soft quilt on my bed. I slowly ran my hands through my long hair and spread it around me and on my shoulders. I gently touched the sides of my face and then moved my hand across my shoulders and chest.


I said out loud “I love you Leela”. 


I kept saying this as I moved both hands over more areas of my body. It was as if I was exploring my body and skin for the first time and I wanted to explore and attend to all of me.


“I love you Leela” out loud, over and over. 


I felt a warmth growing inside me.
​
Some thoughts floated through my mind
“This is not as good as being loved by another” 
“This is silly, it won’t do anything”
“If so-and-so saw me doing this they would laugh at me”


Those thoughts dissolved with the growing movement of energy that felt like a river of electric honey through my body. This felt intimate and I felt turned on. It was a feeling of being alive but not strongly sexual (not in the common narrow sense of what we often mean by ‘sexual’).


Then there was a moment where the “I love you Leela” was no longer feeling like just me saying it. It was still my voice I was hearing, yet it seemed to be coming from beyond me. It was now the universe saying “I love you Leela”. 


My energy expanded beyond my body and I felt lightweight. As my hands moved down my body while feeling the universe tell me it loves me, it felt especially good to feel my hands caress down my legs.
The best part though was taking my hand and pressing my palm (the hands being an extension of the heart) to the bottom of my foot and hearing “I love you Leela”. The grounding I desperately wanted and searched for in his masculine energy, was now happening for me. For me by me. For the universe by the universe.