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I dedicated my life to only one thing; conquering death by learning to die consciously.
As a young adult I gladly and with great relief left the world and joined a group of monks in a simple small remote village. A village isolated and far removed from the activity of the world. I spent the rest of my days meditating and listening to and trying to understand the teachings of the Buddha and the wisdom of my Lama (teacher and spiritual guide in Buddhism). I tried very hard to learn how to die consciously. It was the only goal I had. Nothing else mattered to me. Why would it? The world as the scriptures taught me, is just an illusion.
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In an intuition program as a client is transforming what’s been holding them back, it’s not uncommon for me to show up to one of our sessions hearing their urgent concern that their ego is now getting big.
“I need help healing this ego-trip that I’m on” And then they share more about the experiences they are having. As I listen it is clear to me that they are actually feeling confident in a new way. They are falling in love with themselves. This is not just on a “I believe in myself” mental level. It is a very real contact with the being. 
She was working as a prostitute.
She lived in a tiny one-room musty shack in the worst part of town. Nighttime was her working time. She was used to all kinds of men that would come knocking on her door. Some were even doctors, clergymen, and lawyers (They could depend on her to hold their secrets). So when she opened the door on this early evening and saw an elderly sage man, it surprised her, but not that much. She invited him in the way she does all the others. He right away explained that he was here to help her. He told her this life was no longer hers and she is meant for something better. She broke into tears. No one had ever spoken to her this way. With such belief, kindness, and caring. 
"Zero-Point" by Leela Haris, Tempera on 18x24 140lb Watercolor Paper
On the periphery we each have our stories, diverse experiences, and unique way of being in the world. At our core, in our center, is something beyond our personal identity. This is the only place where I’ve glimpsed true equality and unity. This place is also sometimes called the zero-point. Where nothing is happening and yet all is possible. 
I sense the light on this planet is growing and that as the light grows, it exposes the darkness. I have observed how this happens within us personally and also how it plays out on the world stage. Many are saying no to any conspiracies, they don't want to hear it. And it's your right to choose what information and views you want to be open to. This can be needed even in order to help yourself adjust to the changes you may already be going through. But I've often heard the phrase "conspiracy theorist" in a derogatory way. It can even have a lot of animosity and aggression in how it's used. People can conveniently dismiss a perspective or someone as "crazy" so as not to acknowledge discomfort or have to self-reflect. 
Recently I was struggling with my mind and was experiencing exhaustion. I could barely focus on anything longer than a few minutes and the exhaustion felt deep and existential. My thoughts were around how it's all so meaningless. I'm too tired to care. What's the point? It's all so meaningless. So much suffering (mine and others). So many lifetimes of seeking, of trying and what has it done? Nothing. I have nothing to show for any of it. 
In my personal experience in how my self-awareness has grown in the 45 years I've been alive, and in my observation of people: I've realized something.
Most people who are afraid don't know they are afraid. A story: This was about 5 or so years ago, one morning during meditation I got a clear urging from within to focus on being centered. So I stayed very focused on that peaceful unmoving center within me as I got ready for work. 
Not feeling good enough for someone. Who hasn't felt this way at some point?
Here is my understanding about this.- When we are carrying an insecurity about ourselves, we may experience others as not accepting us. This can result as patterns of conflict with others or of trying to please them. This is very common but keeps us trapped in a painful and draining situation. 
I don't go to art museums much anymore. I used to. I've always loved visual art. But when I discovered something called Process Art years ago, I realized what I loved.
It is aliveness. It is spontaneity. It is originality. It is the surprise of color and form and how they interact. 
My perspective on what it means to Be Conscious.
It is not in the way I talk or words I use. It's not the way I look, act, or dress. It is not a technique I use or approach to life I prefer. It is not the teacher I love working with. Nor is it about some kind of gift, talent, or ability. It is not in being kind nor is it in any particular trait in me. It's not a list of good deeds I can show off. It's not in the money or any outer success I can attain. It's not in environmentally aware habits, living clean, or simple. It's not in not having money, success or possessions either. 
I hated talking about my feelings. Ugh. Sharing my inner world. It was awful. This is how I felt up till my early thirties or so.
But I would have times of intense depression and desperation and the psychiatric medications I took weren’t enough to completely numb it. There was this idea I had that when you have an emotional or mental problem you “get help”. Like some kind of magical solution happens when you “get help”. 
Light and positivity are not the same thing to me. If I relegated light to being positive my actual inner light would be restricted and stunted.
Light in the way I'm meaning it here is Consciousness. Think of a flash light in a dark room. It reveals what has been hidden. I allow both my “positive” and “negative”. I put those in quotes because truly to me, whatever reveals the truth, is ultimately positive. It is a YES to life itself. 
Self-Empowerment is super messy. For a while. If someone’s been living in a largely dis-empowered state for quite a while and their inner power is waking up - there is an adjustment phase. There will be mistakes and finer areas of learning and growth. Just like with anything new that we do or step into. 
Dating is totally different for me since doing inner work. It has gone from painful drama to Adventure. A story... Several years ago I met a man online. At first it was just a few friendly messages. The conversations quickly became more frequent and we seemed to have a lot in common. I found him easy to talk to. We started chatting on video too (we live in different states). In our conversations I would have these moments thinking “wow, he says all the right things!”. I felt such a strong connection and trust with him. And this is all happening in the space of 3 weeks or so. I felt like I could really be myself and not worry about anything. 
One day last year I had something come up. Deep Sadness. Lots of tears.
As I wondered what this was about, a thought came, “The planet is sick and dying and needs our help” I was surprised. I had no idea I believed this. It was an awful feeling. An awful thought. It brought such a heavy feeling of sadness and dread. I continued to feel all of it and then after a few minutes suddenly the sadness lifted and the tears stopped. I felt calm and still. 
A couple of years ago (actually I don’t know when exactly, I’m just guessing) I noticed this growing anxiety whenever a cop car was behind me or near me while driving. This got to the point of being pretty uncomfortable.
So I found a way to calm myself. I would first check a few things: driving the speed limit...check! got my seat belt on...check! staying in my own lane...check! I would make sure I wasn’t driving like a drunk person (which is funny because I rarely drink alcohol these days). I then would tell myself that they just happened to be behind me and I haven’t done anything wrong, so there's no reason to be nervous. 
Dear Darkness, I’ve known you for so long, for long enough now. Long enough to realize that maybe you are not the enemy that I thought you were. I may have misunderstood you...completely misunderstood you. I think I got you all wrong. And I’m also tired. I’m tired of the war between us. I am no longer going to try - to try to fix you up and alter you, to try to make you bright and pretty. |
Author: Leela Haris ~ Intuition
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