I recently experienced a shift and made a decision contrary to what the standard of care and my oncologist and team recommend. I then experienced intense conflict with some family. I was stunned at their harsh judgments. I handled it better than in the past, but I sensed there was something I needed to learn.

I requested a private Dalian Method session from Mada and she guided me to discover and release more subtle layers of fear and confusion and then I was able to connect to my intuition. She then encouraged me to stay true to myself but also to have compassion for my family. I was reminded of just how much fear I’ve addressed in myself over the years which gave me more understanding of the amount of fear and confusion happening inside each family member (on the surface we looked very different but they were mirroring to me my own fear and confusion).

I was attending a morning networking meeting and one thing the organizer does to help us break the ice and get to know each other is to pose a question at each meeting.

This particular morning the question was “Who has been the biggest influence on your life?”

There was not much time to think before it was my turn to answer - Instantly my mother came to mind. Which surprised me at first.

I'm a wild horse.

I run at my own pace.

I don't wait on others to catch up.

I don't try to keep with others that are faster than me.

I love my freedom.

I also love crossing paths with other wild ones.

I'm sensitive to others' energy.

If someone is a kind spirit I am glad to help them.

If someone is caring and I can learn something from them, I don't mind being trained and being obedient.

If I feel restricted or disrespected I will break free and run away.

Any other wild horses here?

If you are meant to speak up but stay silent, you will experience inner noise and unrest.

If you are meant to be silent but make yourself speak, you will drain your energy.

Let expression and silence be the natural dance partners that they are.

The dance they dance is unpredictable and astonishing.

Feelings of anger and frustration came up for me this week. Yet also heaviness and resistance at the thought of facing and exploring these feelings. The anger and frustration was triggered by recent world and U.S. events.
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Ugh, it’s too much, I just wanted to numb it all and go to sleep.

But I knew I needed to work with these feelings.

I started expressing it and the feelings of anger and frustration grew stronger and just kept coming, over and over. It felt endless as I traveled through this anger. I kept saying “I hate this situation!” and “I hate being here!”. Resistance and tiredness still in my body as I traveled back through many lifetimes. I felt acute frustration with this f***ing broken-record of experience on this planet: The same manipulation, the same darkness, the same hypnosis that uses fear to control people.

My father had a brief stay in the hospital once (it turned out to be nothing serious).
 
Several of us were visiting and had gathered around him as he rested in his hospital bed. He and my young nephew were hungry so someone brought some burgers and fries.
 
While eating my father offered my little nephew one of his fries. My nephew instinctively and gleefully took it and gobbled it up.

​On the periphery we each have our stories, diverse experiences, and unique way of being in the world.
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At our core, in our center, is something beyond our personal identity.

This is the only place where I’ve glimpsed true equality and unity.

This place is also sometimes called the zero-point. Where nothing is happening and yet all is possible.

I sense the light on this planet is growing and that as the light grows, it exposes the darkness. I have observed how this happens within us personally and also how it plays out on the world stage.

Many are saying no to any conspiracies, they don't want to hear it. And it's your right to choose what information and views you want to be open to. This can be needed even in order to help yourself adjust to the changes you may already be going through.

But I've often heard the phrase "conspiracy theorist" in a derogatory way. It can even have a lot of animosity and aggression in how it's used. People can conveniently dismiss a perspective or someone as "crazy" so as not to acknowledge discomfort or have to self-reflect.

In my personal experience in how my self-awareness has grown in the 45 years I've been alive, and in my observation of people: I've realized something.

Most people who are afraid don't know they are afraid.

A story:

This was about 5 or so years ago, one morning during meditation I got a clear urging from within to focus on being centered.

So I stayed very focused on that peaceful unmoving center within me as I got ready for work.

Not feeling good enough for someone. Who hasn't felt this way at some point?

​Here is my understanding about this.-
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​When we are carrying an insecurity about ourselves, we may experience others as not accepting us.

This can result as patterns of conflict with others or of trying to please them. This is very common but keeps us trapped in a painful and draining situation.

I don't go to art museums much anymore. I used to. I've always loved visual art. But when I discovered something called Process Art years ago, I realized what I loved.

It is aliveness. It is spontaneity. It is originality. It is the surprise of color and form and how they interact.

My perspective on what it means to Be Conscious.

It is not in the way I talk or words I use. It's not the way I look, act, or dress. It is not a technique I use or approach to life I prefer. It is not the teacher I love working with.  Nor is it about some kind of gift, talent, or ability. It is not in being kind nor is it in any particular trait in me. 

It's not a list of good deeds I can show off.

It's not in the money or any outer success I can attain.

​It's not in environmentally aware habits, living clean, or simple. It's not in not having money, success or possessions either.

“This Should Be Easy” ​<- Ever have this judgment toward yourself?

I have this habit - ​When anything breaks or something needs to be maintained: on my car, on my computer, or in my home. I immediately go into mental complaining and resistance. If possible I will find a way to avoid dealing with it.

Even the smallest things. The other day I got home and a light bulb in my kitchen went out. My mind immediately said what it typically says “Oh man, such a pain. Nah, I’ll change the light bulb later. I can live with less light in here”.

Light and positivity are not the same thing to me. If I relegated light to being positive my actual inner light would be restricted and stunted.

Light in the way I'm meaning it here is Consciousness.

Think of a flash light in a dark room. It reveals what has been hidden.

I allow both my “positive” and “negative”. I put those in quotes because truly to me, whatever reveals the truth, is ultimately positive. It is a YES to life itself.

Self-Empowerment is super messy. For a while.

If someone’s been living in a largely dis-empowered state for quite a while and their inner power is waking up - there is an adjustment phase. There will be mistakes and finer areas of learning and growth. Just like with anything new that we do or step into.

WEIRD

This word.

I've been called weird almost all my life.

Such a sore spot in me anytime someone would say this to me. Ouch.

“Negative emotions are toxic to your physical health”

I hear this often. This is one of those statements I found needs expanding on, by itself it can be misunderstood.

Yes it’s true that our mental and emotional state affect our physical health and can contribute to illness. It’s good to be aware of how everything is connected. Yet the idea that our emotions are toxic can, ironically, contribute to the very toxicity we want to avoid.

A couple of years ago (actually I don’t know when exactly, I’m just guessing) I noticed this growing anxiety whenever a cop car was behind me or near me while driving. This got to the point of being pretty uncomfortable.

​So I found a way to calm myself.

​I would first check a few things: driving the speed limit...check! got my seat belt on...check! staying in my own lane...check! I would make sure I wasn’t driving like a drunk person (which is funny because I rarely drink alcohol these days). I then would tell myself that they just happened to be behind me and I haven’t done anything wrong, so there's no reason to be nervous.

I’ve been exploring what ‘life purpose’ really means.

When I was younger and not happy with my life, I wanted to find the work that would fulfill me. If I’m going to spend so much of my life in a job or career I want it to be joyful and fun.

I didn’t know what I wanted to do and had very little I felt passionate about. And all the questionnaires and books on choosing a career or finding my purpose didn’t help me.

So a while back I was driving and stopped at a light. I looked over across the intersection and became suddenly and deeply enthralled with this car this woman was driving.

I was really looking at it. Noticing all the rust, how the car is so many different colors of paint.. just for some strange reason amazed and really focused at the junkiness of her car.

And then all of a sudden I snap out of it. And I start laughing, like wow what was that!?

Because I DRIVE A JUNKY CAR!

Dear Darkness,

I’ve known you for so long, for long enough now. Long enough to realize that maybe you are not the enemy that I thought you were. I may have misunderstood you...completely misunderstood you. 

I think I got you all wrong. 

And I’m also tired. I’m tired of the war between us. I am no longer going to try - to try to fix you up and alter you, to try to make you bright and pretty.