Leela Haris - Writings & Rememberings

Learning to live & Die consciously

Fri, 02 Aug 2024 05:00:00 GMT

I recently experienced a shift and made a decision contrary to what the standard of care and my oncologist and team recommend. I then experienced intense conflict with some family. I was stunned at their harsh judgments. I handled it better than in the past, but I sensed there was something I needed to learn.

I requested a private Dalian Method session from Mada and she guided me to discover and release more subtle layers of fear and confusion and then I was able to connect to my intuition. She then encouraged me to stay true to myself but also to have compassion for my family. I was reminded of just how much fear I’ve addressed in myself over the years which gave me more understanding of the amount of fear and confusion happening inside each family member (on the surface we looked very different but they were mirroring to me my own fear and confusion).

Inspired by Mada’s support and guidance I sent out the below email to family. I held no expectations for how anyone would respond. Turns out it has already mended what I thought would be irreparable. Some separation has now dissolved.

In gratitude once more for Mada Dalian and the depth of her healing approach – the ripple effect is beyond what my mind can grasp.

----------------------------------------------------------

Dear family,

• I carefully tuned into my intuition to arrive at my choice to stop all treatments •
The cancer clinic/treatments has had some benefit but now it’s time to pull away from it. Time at the clinic results in more worrying and that feeling of being sick and being a cancer patient on an endless conveyer belt of treatments and side effects. The treatments with their side effects lowers my morale and I can feel how my life force and will to live are negatively affected. The symptoms, the brain fog, not feeling well, exhaustion and weakness also make it harder to take good care of myself and to feel positive. Since deciding this I’ve felt more uplifted and positive and am looking forward to the future and to getting stronger.

Choosing quality of life is not me choosing to shorten my life though, it is my approach to healing and longevity, they are one and the same for me.

If you want to support me, here are 3 great ways:
1.    Respect my Decisions and Accept me as I am
Supporting and accepting my decisions helps create such a positive relaxing experience (thank you to those of you who are already doing this!).

But arguing or debating, trying to work out your own unresolved issues on me, or imposing your ideas and fears onto me <-- these things make it so so much harder for me to heal because it creates negativity and stress and drains my energy. I am aiming not to do this to others too and I am growing and learning important life lessons through the conflicts and challenges.

2.    Believe in Me
I know I can heal myself because I have already been doing it.
When I look back on my life I see how each time I trust my intuition and myself, things go well and I feel good - but the times when I follow someone else’s ideas or my insecurities, things don’t go well and I don’t feel good.
Like deciding to work even more closely with my teacher Mada has been amazing for my body and mind and spirit. Last year around this time, I needed a walker to stand up and walk. Chemo or any other drug would not have helped me with it. In fact it was chemo that triggered the flare-up in my pelvis. Mada helped me discover and heal the underlying fears trapped there (the fear of joy and the fear of surrendering) and now I can easily walk, jump, run, and dance! And I have so much more joy and trust which is so healing. For a while there I didn’t know if I would ever walk again. What a miracle this has been! And thank you to all of you because you each supported me during that time of chemo.

3.    Be Happy for me
I have challenges (opportunities to grow), but I remind myself daily of how much CANcer has been an incredible blessing, not a misfortune. It has helped wake up much more of my intuition, and the importance of learning to live my truth and my purpose.

In closing, I’m sharing all this because I think this could make things easier for you too. I hope now you know that you don’t have to worry or carry the pressure of trying to fix or figure anything out, feel sorry for me, or feel helpless/confused. Maybe you can now relax knowing that I’m doing what I need to for my own life. If I need anything I will reach out and ask, and if you respectfully say no, then no worries, I will move on to other options (there are so many options available to me).

Yet the reality is that I will die someday, just like each of you will too. I do what I can but ultimately existence decides how long I’m needed here. Increased acceptance of this comes from the trust I’ve been growing inside. The most important thing to me is that I learn to live & die consciously & trusting existence and trusting my intuition and who I am.

I wrote this email out thoughtfully so that the most important things are covered here with everyone and will endure through time and we don’t need to revisit the same conversations. (you can reread this anytime you need to be reminded).

I hope this puts you at ease, it certainly has for me. Forgiveness towards others and myself is also part of this email and is healing.

PS. You can replace ‘Existence’ with ‘God’ or ‘Allah’ or ‘Higher Power’ or what you prefer.

JOY, INNOCENCE, & TRUST

Tue, 22 Nov 2022 13:14:04 GMT

It was my mom and me on a hot day in Baghdad (where we lived at the time). I was miserable as I was being dragged on another boring errand to the market.

I wanted to be playing. I wanted to be running around and having fun.

But instead, I was stuck there watching as she mulled over prices at the stalls, looking carefully at the grocery items. I’m impatient and antsy and she senses it. As usual, she admonishes me to stay close to her (I made adults nervous with my tendency to bolt when they weren’t looking)

Then out of the crowd, a man approaches me smiling. He seemed very happy to see me but I’d never seen him before. Although this seems odd to me, I’m thrilled at the attention he gives me. He is asking for my name and giving me compliments.

I felt significant.
I felt special.
I felt alive.

He asked me if I would like to come to his bakery and have some sweets.

I didn't know who this man was but he seemed to know exactly what I needed! A hero had come to rescue me.

I already could taste the sweets and feel the sugar high. I imagined the warm honey and cardamom and the flaky pastry.

He then offered chai and pastries to my mother. Urging us to follow him back to his shop.

She hesitated and did not look happy about interrupting her shopping and I sensed she wanted to decline.

So I began begging her.

I was relentless and stubborn.

She gave in. I didn't give her much of a choice.

We followed him through the crowd. I was so excited my feet barely touched the ground.

As we walk into the shop something strange happens. Instead of staying there where the happy bright-colored candy and fragrant pastries are he continued leading us to the back of the bakery. He opened a door and ushered us in. This didn't make sense as there were places to sit and eat in the open area of the shop.

He behaved as if it was expected that my mom and I would go in.

We would have appeared rude to doubt this kind man, so we entered that room as he held the door open.

We waited for the lights to be turned on. It was dark there.

But the door gets locked and the lights never do come on.

As my eyes adjust I see that there are other men waiting for us.

I thought we were walking into heaven.

This would be no heaven.

We walked straight into hell.

~~~~~~

Although initially painful and frightening, I’m grateful that this long-repressed memory surfaced a few years ago.

It was a relief to understand why I carried so much guilt all my life. (I blamed myself for what happened).

I also healed a vague sense of shame I had always felt at my own joy, innocence, and trust. Realizing that there was nothing wrong with those qualities and experiences. I saw that they only needed to grow up out of naiveness and into greater wisdom.

As the blame and judgment toward myself dissolved I was then able to look at the blame and judgment I held toward those men.

The hurt child in me initially thought of my mother and me as victims and those men as “bad guys".

But I saw the deeper reality.

I saw what drove those men to do what they did.

I was able to see the deep sense of inferiority, insignificance, and pain that drove their craving for violence.

I forgave those men when I saw their humanity. I forgave myself for mine.

The humanity inside of them was not all that different from the humanity inside me.

The desperate need for significance was in both of us.

Terrorizing and inflicting abuse on a child and her mother gave them significance. They experienced a sense of “power”.

The more afraid we were, the more “powerful” they felt (we feared they would kill us).

When I was given attention and treated as if I was special, I also felt significant. I felt alive. I also felt a sense of “power”.

Now of course I was just an innocent child back then, about 5 years old. I could not have known better. But as an adult, this child was still very much there, with her overwhelming needs.

My need to be special. My starvation for love, for something sweet. For someone to come save me. These things had too often been more important than my own well-being, self-respect, and safety. I often stubbornly followed my desire to fill these needs with something/someone outside of myself despite the warning signs my intuition always expertly detected.

I felt excruciatingly insignificant and powerless when I did not get those things.

Those men felt excruciatingly insignificant and powerless.

Remembering and healing from this experience was a big step in recovering more joy from within.

More joy with wisdom, rather than the naiveness and neediness of the child I once was.

~~~~~~

I put “power” in quotes to express that I mean ego power, not genuine power.

~~~~~~

A practice in my daily life is to watch when some kind of neediness creeps up. When I am feeling a need to be significant, loved, important, or special, it’s often because something in me believes I’m lacking something.

I can then compassionately explore this. The exploration allows me to discover more ways to grow up into a deeper potential while reclaiming Joy, Innocence, & Trust.

Through intuition, it's amazing how we can see options that we cannot see when seeing through the lack.

Then when there is an authentic interest or sweetness from the outside world, the experience can be enjoyed more fully instead of the tension of clinging to it so tightly.

~~~~~~

I dedicate this with love and gratitude to the soul who so lovingly chose to be my mother this lifetime. May the wisdom I've gained benefit her journey.

I TRIED TO CONQUER DEATH

Wed, 22 Jun 2022 05:00:00 GMT

I dedicated my life to only one thing; conquering death by learning to die consciously.

As a young adult I gladly and with great relief left the world and joined a group of monks in a simple small remote village. A village isolated and far removed from the activity of the world. I spent the rest of my days meditating and listening to and trying to understand the teachings of the Buddha and the wisdom of my Lama (teacher and spiritual guide in Buddhism). I tried very hard to learn how to die consciously. It was the only goal I had. Nothing else mattered to me. Why would it? The world as the scriptures taught me, is just an illusion.

There was never any doubt that I was doing the right thing. I studied and followed the teachings carefully and seriously.

I meditated, fasted, took part in ceremonies, memorized, chanted, and prayed faithfully, and performed good deeds which I believed would clear past karmas.

I never let myself be angry or even think of harm towards another living being.

Anything my teacher asked of me I never hesitated. I was happy to be his student, in the presence of and in service to such a great sage.

I did everything the 'right' way. I was convinced I was giving myself the best chance of dying a conscious death and then I would free myself permanently from the suffering of life and death.

All those other people who were out there in the world having relationships, families, and trying hard at their jobs; I thought they were all lost. Can’t they see that everything they are doing and trying to create is temporary? We will all die anyway, why waste time on anything to do with the world of illusion?

I was glad not to take part in all that illusory and superficial activity.

I was a seeker.

I was confident I had found the right path.

I stayed steady and unwavering on this path all the way into old age.

Then the day came.

Death came for me.

As I was being pulled away from my body I experienced only terror and could not stay conscious. I was shocked at my own fear and weakness. I couldn’t believe I spent all my life preparing for this moment and yet I failed so miserably.

I concluded from this that it was because I’m weak and a failure and carried these beliefs along with the pain and disappointment for many lifetimes.

Several years ago, I relived the memory of that life and I released the beliefs and pain.

Then I understood the real reason why I, as that dedicated monk, experienced such terror and could not stay conscious.

I saw it all clearly.

I had died afraid because I lived afraid

I saw all the things I had been running from.

Being a monk in that remote community meant I did not have to face responsibility for my own survival. Someone else would take care of me. Someone else would tell me how to live. I didn’t have to make difficult decisions. I didn’t have to think of things like my body, or money, or people, or my desires. I didn’t have to feel too happy or too hurt or too anything.

My monk self thought of himself as unattached.

But the truth was that I was deeply attached. I was attached to material things, to money to pleasure, to people. The world. To many things.

That is why I felt I had to run away from it all.

That is why I separated myself.

That is why I studied so hard and memorized the teachings.

But I had never truly discovered what the teachings were about. I believed in them strongly, but this only meant I carried them and clung to them as ideas. They actually became barriers, since I thought I knew something that I didn’t truly know.

I didn’t realize that being in the presence of a great teacher and hearing or reading wisdom was not enough. Not near enough. I had to learn what they meant, I had to realize wisdom through experience. Not my teacher’s experience. MY experience.

I would have had to live.

Be in the world and live.

This would have meant facing the complexities and difficulties of life. Things like money and my mixed emotions about it. I would have to fall in love and risk my heart being broken. I would have to experience failure. I would have to experience success and then inevitably see it pass. See the suffering, violence, and unrest in the world. See it in me.

This time around the priority of the inward seeking guides me on how to see the opportunities in what the monk saw as “just illusion”.

So many lessons to learn and grow from. So many fears to walk through and vulnerabilities to embrace.

Now when I think of that lifetime, I feel a sense of gratitude for the challenges life brings me in my day-to-day current life.

Yet also, so so much goodness too, so many discoveries and gifts to enjoy, and share.

So much LIFE to live.

MYTH: A BIG EGO IS A BAD THING

Thu, 02 Dec 2021 06:00:00 GMT

In an intuition program as a client is transforming what’s been holding them back, it’s not uncommon for me to show up to one of our sessions hearing their urgent concern that their ego is now getting big.

“I need help healing this ego-trip that I’m on”

And then they share more about the experiences they are having.

As I listen it is clear to me that they are actually feeling confident in a new way. They are falling in love with themselves.

This is not just on a “I believe in myself” mental level.

It is a very real contact with the being.

This is such a beautiful place to be.

But it can be very uncomfortable. I know it personally.

We worry that we are becoming high-and-mighty, selfish, and self-centered.

On the contrary this is a significant accomplishment on this planet and should be celebrated and welcomed, not condemned.

--------------- Because a BIG EGO can mean:

That your consciousness and heart is expanding. (the ego naturally has to expand with it).
You care about others, not what they think of you.
That you are looking much more to your intuition instead of permission from another.
That you learn from your mistakes and don't require forgiveness from anyone (except maybe from yourself).
That you choose not to participate in what diminishes your spirit.
You see through and side-step manipulation & power games.
You are willing to speak up and stand up for yourself while keeping your heart open.
You no longer want to deny any part of yourself, including "negative" experiences/emotions.
You know your right to NO.
You know your right to YES.
You know your right to CHANGE your mind.
You give yourself freedom to experiment with and experience things so you can know, really know, for yourself.
You trust the sense of a deep potential and intelligence in yourself and in life, even though you go through many moments of doubt or fear.
You welcome others with their deep potential and intelligence.

--------------- It’s actually our SMALL EGO that:

Wants to control others.
Lies. Competes. Gets jealous and envious.
Feels lower than others. Feels higher than others.
Has the urge to cut someone down (including ourselves).
Blames (it’s someone else’s fault that I’m not happy).
Creates division, pain, wars.
Secretly gets off on keeping ourselves and others in suffering and victim-hood.

So don't be afraid of having a big ego.

It’s a gift to your own heart.

SHE NEVER LOVED ME ENOUGH

Fri, 12 Nov 2021 06:00:00 GMT

I was attending a morning networking meeting and one thing the organizer does to help us break the ice and get to know each other is to pose a question at each meeting.

This particular morning the question was “Who has been the biggest influence on your life?”

There was not much time to think before it was my turn to answer - Instantly my mother came to mind. Which surprised me at first.

I shared - "My mom. Because she didn't love me enough."

As these words spontaneously came I was realizing the beautiful truth of it.

Growing up, I was starved for her love, her attention, her warmth, and her validation.
I wanted it so bad.

And I never got it.

Thankfully.

Thankfully I never got it and thankfully She never gave it to me.

Thankfully, because the pain of not getting it forced me to learn how to love myself.

Learning how to love and care for myself is one of the greatest gifts. I’m still in this process and it’s not always easy but I love it. I love that I get to discover more ways to accept and love and care for myself.

My mother could not give me the love I desired because she had not yet discovered that love and caring for herself. So how could she give me something she did not have?

BECOMING PEARL ~ Women's Series

Thu, 21 Oct 2021 05:00:00 GMT

She was working as a prostitute.

She lived in a tiny one-room musty shack in the worst part of town. Nighttime was her working time. She was used to all kinds of men that would come knocking on her door. Some were even doctors, clergymen, and lawyers (They could depend on her to hold their secrets).

So when she opened the door on this early evening and saw an elderly sage man, it surprised her, but not that much. She invited him in the way she does all the others. He right away explained that he was here to help her. He told her this life was no longer hers and she is meant for something better. She broke into tears. No one had ever spoken to her this way. With such belief, kindness, and caring.

“Thank you. But how could someone like you help someone like me?”

“Do you trust me?” he asked.

-not knowing what else to do, she simply nodded yes.

“Then you must follow my instructions carefully. For all those who come to your door, you must not let anyone in. Unless they bring you pearls from the river that winds through the middle of the town.”

She knew this river. It was called the River of Wisdom. Many prayed and performed sacred ceremonies and received divine messages at this river. She use to play in it as a child.

She thought his instructions odd. But she agreed and he wished her well and left.

Every knock on the door, she would answer and explain that she cannot allow them in unless they bring pearls from the River of Wisdom.

This was often met with shock and laughter.

“Have you lost your mind, you silly woman, asking for such a thing?”

“Pearls? For you?! Ha, you should be lucky that I give you what I give you.”

“No one will do this for you. Why would they? You are just a simple whore.”

Some reacted with anger that scared her.

“How dare you ask this! Who do you think you are?!!”

“You can’t turn me away!”.

“You’ll regret this!!”

“You won’t survive without me!!!”

Some just looked bewildered

Some asked for an explanation for this sudden change.

She didn’t know how to respond to the questions and demands. So she just repeated the terms as the Sage instructed. Each time she said it her voice trembled and her legs felt weak under her.

As the night went on and she sat alone in the dark, she began feeling more and more nervous.

The men’s laughter and ridicule and threats replayed in her mind.

Then waves of panic coming over her.

How would she eat now?

How would she survive?

This life is all she knew. She had no friends or family. She was uneducated. No special skills or talent.

When she wasn’t pleasing men at night she read fantasy novels and stared out her tiny window daydreaming.

She was not especially beautiful and no longer young.

She thought, as she had so many times before, about how she had it better than so many of the other girls. They had no home and served men in alleyways and back seats. The men sometimes threw the girls out before they could even get dressed. Many were beaten regularly. Or worse. No one asked about them or took notice when they disappeared.

Only sometimes did a man raise a hand or fist at her. It wasn’t that bad of a life. Sometimes they would even bring her little gifts or treats.

Oh, god. Was all this a mistake? She is losing what little she had. For what? A stupid dream? Pearls?

She tried to cling to the Sage’s belief in her, remembering his words

“you are meant for more”.

But what if the sage was mistaken? Maybe he knocked on the wrong door? Maybe in his old age he has gone senile. Or what if she misunderstood him? What if she imagined him!? Or worse, what if it was a joke someone was playing on her?

Sitting there in the terrible dark, her mind continued spinning. The doubt and loneliness and despair grew as the night became darker and darker.

But then right at that time, that special time when night begins toward day - Right as the sun started emerging - she suddenly remembered those moments she had as a child playing in the river. Everything seemed possible in those moments. She felt free - like she could go anywhere and be anything she wanted.

She felt that free-spirited little girl inside her now.

And then.

She felt something else.

She felt proud of herself. She felt respect for herself. These good feelings were so new to her! She began thinking that maybe she would be okay! Even if she’s alone. She could find a way to survive. A better way even!

And then a knock at the door.

She opened it to see a kind and glistening face holding a laced sachet full of the most beautiful bright shining iridescent pearls.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

There are two expressions inside you:

Your ego walls with its stories of scarcity, attachments, fear, and doubt.

and

Your inner spark of wisdom towards a greater destiny.

Pearl (that’s her name now) and her story is meant to reach the heart that longs to love itself again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is the 2nd woman in a series of women that I want to bring to life. Each woman represents a unique energetic essence and depth of wisdom that has been forgotten or misunderstood.

**This story was not written by me solely. It is inspired by “Pearls of the First Water” by storyteller and author MICHAEL MEADE in his book “Fate and Destiny”. His story is the basis of Becoming Pearl. I would not normally take parts of someone else’s story and make it my own like this. But I made an exception here because, although I tried, I just could not separate his story and Pearl and myself.
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GUARDIAN OF THE SUN ~ Women's Series

Sat, 09 Oct 2021 05:00:00 GMT

She is loved by the innocent for the safety, clarity, and compassion they feel in her presence.

She is feared by deceivers and spirit-violators and black-magic makers.

She sees through deception and detects harm coming - even from long distances - even when hidden behind thick veils.

Pettiness, mindless complaining, competitiveness, jealousies, trivialities, and gossip - are not given any room in her energy field.

Her silence can speak volumes.

Her eyes sparkle with joy, intensity, and fire for life.

She pays little attention to social proprieties or pecking orders.

This makes her a threat to anyone who is loyal to a status quo. This makes her a threat to the ego (including her own).

In being human, we all carry life-affirming and life-harming aspects in us. She has compassion for this.

So when distortion is thrown at her, she aims to skillfully and surgically remove the rotten, but she takes great care not to harm the soft innocent parts of the precious being.

When the violation is brick-stubborn or goes too far - then the fire-storm comes. She unleashes her most primal nature to do what needs to be done. This is what she is most known for.

Because of this she is spoken about as demonic or crazy.

She is called demonic by those who are unable to or fear perceiving beyond the veil.

She is called crazy because she won’t allow her spirit and animal instincts to be taken.

She is actually sanity in its purest most instinctual form.

She moves on her own terms. Without hesitation. Without question. Without pretense.

There are moments in your life when you feel a growl or fire from deep inside of you.

If you feel this, she likes you to listen to this primal power in you. She helps you not give in to the rushed temptation to throw water on your fire - not to be tempted to make it “nice” or “appropriate” or “rational”.

She supports you to let go of control and the opinions of others.

Because there are far more important things at stake here.

In her fire-storm she can seem frightening.

But she is only dangerous to the dangerous.

And she does not live life on a battlefield. She does not fight or argue or wrestle for understanding. To even hope for or ask for respect or kindness would be demeaning.

She just simply unleashes what is natural to her.

Counter to the whisperings about her: She holds no visions of revenge or harm to others, nor holds grudges, resentments, or blame.

She really doesn’t care much for our mind-created world of justice, forgiveness, and punishment.

When a previous harm-doer comes back with a sincere open heart, she gives a warm welcome. She does not want anyone to beg, stay in guilt, or lower themselves. There is nothing to make up for. She has no desire to stand above or below another.

She wears very little clothing.
She wears no shame or doubt.
So that she may know and feel the shining power of the sun.

She is here to show you your right & responsibility to protect the shining of the sun (spirit) within you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is the first of a series of women that I want to bring to life. Each woman represents a unique energetic essence and depth of wisdom.

Guardian of the Sun is the first woman. She is first because she is the fiercely loving protector and gatekeeper for all the other women.

STRONG ROOTS ~ Tree Wisdom

Mon, 02 Aug 2021 05:00:00 GMT

A tree begins as a seed covered in darkness and then breaks up through the ground and grows toward the light.

But to me, that’s not the whole story, of the tree, of life.

Because the tree cannot become the towering presence and love that is its destiny - unless - unless it also allows its roots to spread

and grow stronger
and steadier
and deeper
into darkness too.

If when the tree first sprouted out of the ground decided it found the light and it is done with all darkness. If it decided that darkness is wrong and was afraid of it and tried hard to get away from it. Then when it would try to grow, it would fall over. It wouldn’t have the ground to hold it.

The ground we come from holds our destiny within it.

~

This tree wisdom came to me while hugging one of my tree friends.

Thank you Tree, I want to grow up to be like you

WILD HORSE ~ Animal Essence

Mon, 26 Jul 2021 05:00:00 GMT

I'm a wild horse.

I run at my own pace.

I don't wait on others to catch up.

I don't try to keep with others that are faster than me.

I love my freedom.

I also love crossing paths with other wild ones.

I'm sensitive to others' energy.

If someone is a kind spirit I am glad to help them.

If someone is caring and I can learn something from them, I don't mind being trained and being obedient.

If I feel restricted or disrespected I will break free and run away.

Any other wild horses here?

Bipolar & Finding Center

Wed, 21 Jul 2021 05:00:00 GMT

I was diagnosed as Borderline Bipolar in my late twenties.

Years later through my inner healing process, I began to experience something;

My Center

I discovered that this center, this place inside me, when I connected to it, I was connected to something that stayed unchanged and unaffected throughout all my changing moods, energies, and states.

This discovery changed things for me significantly because part of the pain of what they call Bipolar is that when I was up, I would lose myself in that up. So then when I was down, I would lose myself in that too.

When I thought that an up state was an achievement and gave it a lot of importance and expected it to be permanent (forgetting that there are lots of other experiences in life) well then when it changed, which it always does, I would be devastated. I would feel as if I had lost something precious. I would interpret it as something bad happening.

I believed that up is "good" and down as "bad".

Having a stronger center means I can ride the waves without getting lost in them or judging them.

I’ve realized that any wave I’m experiencing is not permanent. It’s naturally going to change.

Being more centered helps me remember this.

But I haven’t stopped experiencing the changing waves. In fact, I experience them intensely at times. I like the ability to feel it all more deeply now.

In the up wave, I feel motivated, energized, creative, and excited. I have visions. I see solutions. I work hard at things.

And I trust that.

In the down wave I feel slow, less energy, not overly motivated, and introspective. I’ve learned with time to appreciate the down wave more. Even when it comes with a depression or a heaviness. Sometimes it can even feel restful. A relaxing pause before the next wave of energy.

And I've learned to trust that too.

Up & Down.
Day & Night.

I need both.

Expression & silence

Fri, 02 Jul 2021 05:00:00 GMT

If you are meant to speak up but stay silent, you will experience inner noise and unrest.

If you are meant to be silent but make yourself speak, you will drain your energy.

Let expression and silence be the natural dance partners that they are.

The dance they dance is unpredictable and astonishing.

DOLPHIN - animal Essence

Mon, 28 Jun 2021 05:00:00 GMT

The inner dolphin loves to be free and play.

And share with others that love to be free and play (go exploring together).

She communicates telepathically and sends out vibrational messages.

She enjoys receiving others' communications and vibrations.

being vulnerable

Thu, 24 Jun 2021 05:00:00 GMT

Being vulnerable - it's not only about sharing a problem, challenge, or pain from inside yourself.

It is that but it's also expressing the love, the happy, and the appreciation you feel too.

It requires a letting go of "importance" or "specialness" and all the 'what ifness' swirling around you.

The true importance and specialness is in what is flowing through you at this moment.

And if you listen closely to it, it will tell you the way it wants to be expressed.

Uprising of Humanity - A Vision

Fri, 29 Jan 2021 06:00:00 GMT

Feelings of anger and frustration came up for me this week. Yet also heaviness and resistance at the thought of facing and exploring these feelings. The anger and frustration was triggered by recent world and U.S. events.

Ugh, it’s too much, I just wanted to numb it all and go to sleep.

But I knew I needed to work with these feelings.

I started expressing it and the feelings of anger and frustration grew stronger and just kept coming, over and over. It felt endless as I traveled through this anger. I kept saying “I hate this situation!” and “I hate being here!”. Resistance and tiredness still in my body as I traveled back through many lifetimes. I felt acute frustration with this f***ing broken-record of experience on this planet: The same manipulation, the same darkness, the same hypnosis that uses fear to control people.

At times I would break into tears of sadness and helplessness.

I kept going knowing I was releasing all this from the cells in my body. I needed to express for all the times I felt these things but pushed it down.

Some of the anger was at myself from participating in this darkness. Some of it was from being forced to censor myself. At other times anger at being severely punished for standing out. Further memories came at being publicly punished and humiliated and used as an example to instill fear in others.

GRRRRR. It felt like this primal Tiger in me that just kept growling, and roaring, and wanting to rip everything up!

But then a deeper experience of this primal energy came and this part did not feel like a wound. I was now accessing tremendous power. This anger was proof that I am alive. Proof that I know what doesn’t feel right. Proof that I know the difference between a lie and the truth.

The tiredness and heaviness was released and I felt energized and awake.

Then this primal power roar shifted again and became even bigger. Now it was like tidal waves moving through me! I allowed it to flow and it felt like a delicious and loving fire burning through and lighting up my body. Yet it also extended far beyond my body and personal self.

I then realized something: This is not mine. This is the collective.

But then the question came to me: Why do I need to feel and know about this collective expression of anger and power? What’s the point?

The answer: To voice and share it.

Many may be feeling this but stuffing it down, misunderstanding it, moralizing it and judging it. So that is why I am to share this.

But then more came.

An incredible vision.

It filled me with awe and tears of joy started to flow.

I saw the masses in unison saying “NO MORE”. All of humanity raising our fists in the air. This powerful collective energy surged through all beings and the entire planet. This powerful “NO MORE” did not feel violent, it did not feel thirsty for revenge, it did not feel divisive, projective or harmful. It felt AMAZING!

It felt like

LIFE.

It felt like OUR HEARTS

It felt like OUR POWER

It felt like OUR LOVE

It felt like all of us being vehicles for LIGHT

The light in us seemed to me to be saying:
WE ARE DONE NOW WITH THIS
WE ARE DONE WITH YOUR ENDLESS WARS.
WE ARE DONE FIGHTING AMONGST EACH OTHER.
WE ARE DONE COMPETING WITH EACH OTHER.
WE ARE DONE HARMING EACH OTHER.
WE ARE DONE LETTING OUR CHILDREN BE ABUSED AND INDOCTRINATED.

We are now ready to protect LIFE.

OUR LIFE

OUR RIGHTS -
TO LIVE FULLY
TO SPEAK
TO FLOURISH
TO LOVE
TO BE ABUNDANT
TO BE GIFTED AND POWERFUL AND HONEST AND LOVING
TO AWAKEN

WE ARE NOT PLAYING YOUR GAME ANYMORE.

WE SEE THROUGH IT NOW

So who are we shouting all this to?

A small group of elite but hidden people who control and hoard this planet’s resources. They feed not just off accumulating money and false power, they feed off our fear and trauma and suffering.

They intentionally create wars just to feed their appetites. Not just military war between countries though, they also intentionally fuel race and class wars and division among us. They love it when we hate each other. They love it when we fear each other and compete. They love it when we feel helpless and need someone to save us.

They feed off it all like hungry vampires and zombies. They spread their vampiric ways to humanity so that we all think we are broken, wrong, limited, and sinful.

They promote ideas of scarcity while hoarding.

But what came to me is that the scarcity isn’t real and that this planet has plenty for all of us to live happy and abundant and fulfilling lives.

In this vision we shout this “NO MORE” not just in solidarity against the elite darkness, but also, or maybe more importantly, as a collective DECISION.

As an energetic unveiling into a new paradigm of Unity. Out of realizing that our differences do not need to be reason for war and suffering.

We are all citizens of Earth and the Universe, we all belong here. Every race and ethnicity brings wisdom. Every path to the divine has its purpose and contribution. Every way of life has a learning for the soul that gravitates to it.

This kind of Unity that I envision though does not ask us to fit in and compromise our deeper truths and our individuality. It does not censor us or require us to be homogeneous. In fact I envision a very colorful and diverse magical world where we can all shine in our uniqueness.

There are different ideas of how to best be together in an organized society though (or not organized if that’s what you feel is best). I see us forming smaller groups to live the way we want. These smaller groups are not created out of separation though and do not exist in opposition to each other. They exist to bring about creativity and human potential. There is no competition between the groups, only mutual respect even though we see things differently. No one imposes their ideas onto others or needs to compete for resources.

The groups are created so that each person has a chance to honor themselves and live in the way they feel most in alignment with. People are free to visit and come and go among the groups which will be scattered all across our beautiful planet.

The groups will provide an opportunity for souls to come here and joyfully learn according to what they need to experience to continue evolving in their journey on Earth and through the Universe.

But this new paradigm will not include violence, control, or repressive right/wrong beliefs. The Souls that need to learn through that kind of thing will have to go elsewhere.

Many people think this vision of a new world I describe is impossible because they think humans are inherently dumb, broken, flawed, greedy, and violent. I think that with time we will come to realize this as a limiting belief of the past that we’ve been hypnotized with and has very little to do with our true nature, which is love. I think this will be seen more and more when light overtakes darkness on this planet.

I don’t know when or how this will come about. But I feel excited at all the possibilities!

For now, we each can heal our history and continue evolving and discover this in our own hearts and lives.

Thoughts & Reality

Tue, 29 Dec 2020 06:00:00 GMT

I’ve been working on this habit of mine to avoid things that I assume I won’t enjoy.

There were small trees sprouting up very close to the house I live in. I didn’t want to procrastinate any longer on getting them removed. (sad for the trees I know, but they can damage the house and I feel responsible for caring for the house).

I finally got the right equipment to cut them down. Leading up to doing it and while doing this project my mind kept saying “I can’t do it. This is too hard and too much work”.

It was fascinating to me to observe this thought looping over and over. At one point I had already cut down 2 trees and the thought was still there “This is too hard”. I’m familiar with this thought and I notice how often it comes up in my daily life when I try to accomplish something and how it can make me feel tired and overwhelmed. Then I avoid dealing with or completing the project.

After cutting nearly all the trees down, I then paused for a moment and just said to myself-to my own mind: “I’m doing it. Right now. And it’s not even that hard!”. It was funny how I was talking back to that thought and showing it the evidence of how I can do this and it’s pretty easy. I needed to do that to energize myself because that thought process was draining me.

In my body and energetic visceral experience this tree project was easy and it was even fun. I liked being outside in the fresh air and telling the little tree souls to have a good journey onward.

My mind made it a struggle because I was doing something that takes me even a little out of my usual world and however small the action seems, it expands me and gives me joy to accomplish it. The mind though, likes to keep life restricted.

So now when I have that “I can’t do it, it’s too hard” thought, I often pause and can give myself an experience beyond my mind’s assumption.

I felt happy when I took the above photo after I was done. I love to stop and celebrate every little hurdle overcome.

What about you? Have you had an experience like this where a thought process was so obviously not reality?

loving myself in HIS absence

Wed, 28 Oct 2020 05:00:00 GMT

I was missing a man I had been experiencing a profound and exciting long-distance connection with. He resides way over on the other side of the Atlantic. In particular, I felt a painful aching to feel his physical body close and his arms around me firmly. I longed to feel our skin touch.

This wasn’t the first time I struggled with this impossible to satisfy need. This time however I wondered if or how I could give what I longed for - to myself. I asked myself: Can I give to myself what I want from another? A curiosity arose about what could be possible

I then, without thinking, removed all my clothes and walked into my bedroom. I laid down on my back feeling held by the soft quilt on my bed. I slowly ran my hands through my long hair and spread it around me and on my shoulders. I gently touched the sides of my face and then moved my hand across my shoulders and chest.

I said out loud “I love you Leela”.

I kept saying this as I moved both hands over more areas of my body. It was as if I was exploring my body and skin for the first time and I wanted to explore and attend to all of me.

“I love you Leela” out loud, over and over.

I felt a warmth growing inside me.

Some thoughts floated through my mind
“This is not as good as being loved by another”
“This is silly, it won’t do anything”
“If so-and-so saw me doing this they would laugh at me”

Those thoughts dissolved with the growing movement of energy that felt like a river of electric honey through my body. This felt intimate and I felt turned on. It was a feeling of being alive but not strongly sexual (not in the common narrow sense of what we often mean by ‘sexual’).

Then there was a moment where the “I love you Leela” was no longer feeling like just me saying it. It was still my voice I was hearing, yet it seemed to be coming from beyond me. It was now the universe saying “I love you Leela”.

My energy expanded beyond my body and I felt lightweight. As my hands moved down my body while feeling the universe tell me it loves me, it felt especially good to feel my hands caress down my legs.
The best part though was taking my hand and pressing my palm (the hands being an extension of the heart) to the bottom of my foot and hearing “I love you Leela”. The grounding I desperately wanted and searched for in his masculine energy, was now happening for me. For me by me. For the universe by the universe.

An Unsanitized Heart

Wed, 21 Oct 2020 05:00:00 GMT

I’ve discovered something. I measured the size of the heart and it is the same size as the universe.

It is that big! It can open that much! It can vibrate out to the edge of ALL that is.

This has been an extraordinary discovery for me.

And another discovery: I've often felt the heart to be warm and sweet - yet there is something else.

The heart is wild. SO WILD.

I am not speaking of the idea of the heart in our mind. I am speaking about that place in your chest. That very physical place that beats inside you. That pumps and cleanses life through you. You feel it don't you? You can put your hand there now as you read and feel these words. ❤️

It is wild because of how little it knows. How little it knows of how to behave. Of that it is not supposed to love big or hurt big. It doesn’t know of such a thing as "too far". Of how and who it should be allowed to love. It doesn't know about should and shouldn't. It doesn't know that you are different from me. It doesn't know we are not supposed to love each other. It does not know the labels we hide under or put on each other. It doesn't know that I'm "here" and you are over "there".

It doesn't have those ideas. The heart isn't smart in that way. Thank god for you foolish heart. Thank God because God IS a foolish heart.

But the heart does know.

The heart knows when it is time to open. The heart knows who to open to. When to laugh. When to cry. And when to softly close and wait. Wait for the warmth she needs. The warmth she deserves. She finds that she can keep herself warm.

The heart also breaks.

The grief. The pain. Loss. Attachments we want to grip onto but still get torn from us.

The hurt from the stab of a cruel word. The hurt of being turned away "Your love is not allowed here. Be serious. Be realistic."

The heart breaking open..

Breaking us open to life.

And then the sadness from the disconnect.

As I feel layers of armor melt from me. As I remove more clothes and coverings. As I feel more ecstatic, more raw, and naked, and in moments this pulsating at the edge of an unknown forest: I see a world that might be moving the opposite way.

Questions come to me: Is this going to be permanent? This way of not getting physically close to another? Bodies hugging in public becoming rare? Is it going to be a thing now to minimize exposure of mouth and nose and obscuring the face? To not breathe in too much oxygen? Will these things become another “too risky”? Too dangerous? Or even dirty and wrong?

Are we to sanitize all of it? All the time?

Is this how it is now?

And something inside cries out - “please don't. Please world. Don't go that way!”

It hurts to see this and feel this.

Then things settle and this heart calmly says: Well okay world you will do what you do and I don't think it's in me to fight you, but I want you to know something - If you decide to go that way. I will not be going with you. I will find and discover another world.

I don't wanna sanitize this. The heart wants to stay wild.

God Said YES to the French Fry

Thu, 17 Sep 2020 05:00:00 GMT

My father had a brief stay in the hospital once (it turned out to be nothing serious).

Several of us were visiting and had gathered around him as he rested in his hospital bed. He and my young nephew were hungry so someone brought some burgers and fries.

While eating my father offered my little nephew one of his fries. My nephew instinctively and gleefully took it and gobbled it up.

My nephew's father (my brother), alarmed at this, said to him:

“No No, don't take grandpa's food. You have your own."

Even though he was just simply accepting a gift that was joyfully & freely offered to him.

A few moments later, ignoring my brother's lecture, grandpa offers him another fry.

This time my nephew raises his hand and waves it in objection and says "no, I can't take it".

My brother beamed in pride at seeing this and there was a moment of admiration in the room about how kind and good my nephew is.

But as I watched this unfold I knew my little innocent nephew wasn't truly BEING kind, he was following the orders he was given for how to behave. It wasn't coming from his heart's truth.

He wanted the fry but learned in that moment how to act differently.

This is how most of our human population is. We experience many moments like my nephew that shape us to act a certain way. With time we start to believe the act is who we are.

We then expect and ask others to act accordingly too.

Many are also like my brother, trying to raise a good child. Maybe even a good christian who believes in and follows god. They want their children to be a force of something good and an example of what they believe is right. Perhaps also wanting them to get to heaven someday.

But in our programmed "good behavior", in our false humbleness and "niceness", we are far from our innate goodness, God is farthest from us in those times. Because God is what we are, when we are BEING what we are.

I have been where my nephew is, trying to survive in this upside-down world. I have been the others in the room admiring "how sweet he is" and I have so often been my brother, passing down my belief & control patterns to vulnerable ones.

But....

GOD was already there, saying YES to the french fry.

Equality, Unity, & the Zero-Point

Fri, 14 Aug 2020 05:00:00 GMT

"Zero-Point" by Leela Haris, Tempera on 18x24 140lb Watercolor Paper

On the periphery we each have our stories, diverse experiences, and unique way of being in the world.

At our core, in our center, is something beyond our personal identity.

This is the only place where I’ve glimpsed true equality and unity.

This place is also sometimes called the zero-point. Where nothing is happening and yet all is possible.

It’s peaceful, restful, clarifying, and nourishing. It’s also where empathy arises from.

I sense that this core center in us, is also the center of the entire universe.

Many of the messages of equality or unity say that we have to make it happen somewhere 'out there'. You have to behave this or that way. You can say this, but you can’t say that. You have to fix this or that problem in the system and to do that you have to be this or that way.

But it’s often only about the periphery.

Trying to change just our periphery, we can end up compromising our unique way of being.
Our unique way of being is the path to the center.

I’ve lived the first 35 years of my life trying to change or fix the periphery. I didn’t know there was anything else to who I was or to life. I didn’t know because I was living in survival mode.

This shift from survival surface living to more expansive living is in some ways like going from a heavy, colorless, one-dimensional, and hostile world to living in a place that is increasingly vibrant, multi-dimensional, spontaneous, and full of wonder and surprises.

A Kinder World for Children

Fri, 22 May 2020 20:08:15 GMT

Creating a better world that allows our human potential to thrive has to involve making the world kinder for children.

In order to make the world a kinder place for children we must first become aware of what harms them.

In order to become aware of what harms them, we must first become aware of how we adults have been manipulated and harmed.

One of the biggest problems globally is the epidemic of child abuse. More specifically massive pedophilia and sex trafficking kept in place by those in the highest positions of power. Politics and Religious organizations are two major things keeping this in place.

While millions are embroiled in and distracted by sensationalism around Trump, the real harm continues by those presenting their "nice" faces and telling people what they want to hear and playing out the noble good guy/woman facade. The Obamas, the Clintons, The Pope, Joe Biden (I have to mention him since he is running) - just a few examples of people knowingly involved in enslavement and sex trafficking of children.

Many many children are being traumatized everyday. They are used like objects to be bartered and passed around and god knows what else.

There are many people involved in this. With varying levels of willingness.

I am not trying to bring anyone down or pull you into negativity. If you are confused at any time by why I'm saying all this, re-read my first 3 statements.

This may be new or not new to you. But the information is out there and evident for anyone willing to see it. If you want proof you can do your own research and decide for yourself. There is no shortage of people speaking out about this.

Now, here is something important I want to say regarding all this:

It's not about blame or retaliation. It's about awareness. The harm and abuse and those that are most benefiting from it, yes this needs to be exposed before anything significant can change. There does need to be protection put in place so abusers cannot continue to abuse and consequences for those perpetuating this.

But if it's done from a place of wanting to punish out of retaliation, it will just continue the unconsciousness. As I see it "evil" is just an extreme form of unconsciousness. Many say that there are beings of evil that cannot heal or rehabilitate. I disagree. It's not that it's impossible to heal or change, it's just that some are just so invested in violence and deep in hatred and darkness that they do not want to change. For each being it has to be a choice to heal and change. No one can heal or rehabilitate another if they do not want it. I think the mistake that people can make is assuming everyone wants the same things. You have to see people for where they are and not what you want them to be.

Another thing to consider, above I said there is various willingness from those who participate in the abuse. What I mean by that is that some people deep down would like to leave that world of abuse but feel they cannot. They perceive themselves to be trapped there. They have grown up being severely abused and threatened and may have been forced or pushed into abusing others. They are convinced they are bad people not realizing that it was setup that way to keep them tethered and unable to break free.

This is how the cycle continues.

So forgiveness and compassion with eyes open has to be part of all this. Also, we each have dark and light within us. Those that have not seen, faced, and healed enough of their own inner trauma and darkness will either not see it when it's right in front of them or they will just want violence against those involved.

Conspiracy Theories

Mon, 13 Apr 2020 05:00:00 GMT

I sense the light on this planet is growing and that as the light grows, it exposes the darkness. I have observed how this happens within us personally and also how it plays out on the world stage.

Many are saying no to any conspiracies, they don't want to hear it. And it's your right to choose what information and views you want to be open to. This can be needed even in order to help yourself adjust to the changes you may already be going through.

But I've often heard the phrase "conspiracy theorist" in a derogatory way. It can even have a lot of animosity and aggression in how it's used. People can conveniently dismiss a perspective or someone as "crazy" so as not to acknowledge discomfort or have to self-reflect.

Personally, these days, I have been taken in less information about what's happening in the world. Right now, I'm exploring myself and going deeper within my own experience and intuition.

If I need to know something I trust my intuition will alert me.

But I'm personally grateful for all the out-of-the-box content I've come across over the years. I also like seeing all the perspectives and rebels in my newsfeed. Especially glad for those that stick their necks out to shake up the status quo.

Over the years some of the information I've come across has shocked me, some of it disturbed me, some of it I had no idea what to do with or no way to prove or disprove.

By noticing my triggers and reactions to outside information, it's helped me do several things:

- See through my conditionings and naiveness

- Loosen dependency and trust in systems outside of myself

- Acknowledge, face, and transcend a lot of fear of dark things

- Discern between believing (or not believing) and knowing

- Trust myself and navigate from a deeper more intelligent sense in me than my intellect (the contrasting perspectives, often very extreme differences in views, were so confusing, it forced me to let go of my mind).

So we can choose to take in information or not. We can agree or not.

But I don't like any call for censorship of ideas. I don't care how noble the agenda seems. In fact, if there's ever a time to allow for everyone to have their perspectives and to explore possibilities, I think it is now.

True knowing is more likely to arise within an atmosphere of freedom and exploration.

Have you noticed how confusion and chaos often precede profound innovation?

COVID-19: Becoming Cosmic

Tue, 07 Apr 2020 05:00:00 GMT

Recently I was struggling with my mind and was experiencing exhaustion. I could barely focus on anything longer than a few minutes and the exhaustion felt deep and existential.

My thoughts were around how it's all so meaningless. I'm too tired to care. What's the point? It's all so meaningless. So much suffering (mine and others). So many lifetimes of seeking, of trying and what has it done? Nothing. I have nothing to show for any of it.

I'm used to going through darkness and rough patches and ups and downs (it's natural for all of us sincere seekers at different phases. The light gets lighter but the dark also gets darker).

But this time I thought I'd share since we are going through what I see as an unprecedented shift and time on this planet. In case it is of help to anyone.

But more than the difficulties, I want to also share the awareness that came to me this morning after my relentless mind finally surrendered it's need to know and be in control.

Out of the peaceful void I was resting in, this understanding came to me:

There is no controlling what is happening on this planet.

The dark will do what it does. The light will do what it does.

Our true being is beyond all of it. Humans are no longer in control over this planet. This is a good thing, existence is doing what needs to be done.

What is happening is not just beyond our control, it's also beyond our human comprehension. We can know bits and pieces. That's all. That's enough.

Certainty is an illusion, we never had it but are now much more aware of it. This is bringing up a lot of pain and suffering. But the suffering has always been there. We were more able to avoid this through having our identity and sense of self-centered importance be constantly affirmed through our busyness and attachments. This is all being exposed as false.

It's painful.

Nothing and no one outside of our mind is the real cause of our pain.

We can care for our well-being and for our loved ones. But we cannot choose who will stay and who will go. It's the choice of each Soul.

We are losing our identity as humans and joining the rest of the universe. The only way out is to transform the layers of separateness created by our ego and re-join the universe.

We are so much more than human, we are cosmic beings. ❤️

Hiding Fear and Hiding from Fear

Mon, 23 Mar 2020 05:00:00 GMT

In my personal experience in how my self-awareness has grown in the 45 years I've been alive, and in my observation of people: I've realized something.

Most people who are afraid don't know they are afraid.

A story:

This was about 5 or so years ago, one morning during meditation I got a clear urging from within to focus on being centered.

So I stayed very focused on that peaceful unmoving center within me as I got ready for work.

*** It took me years of inner work to discover this center, before that, I didn't know what it meant to 'be centered', just a vague notion that it was to be peaceful and unaffected somehow, to be zen-like. Now I know it is that but doesn't always look zen-like on the surface. We can be in movement and expression of various feelings while also being centered and peaceful within. ***

As I drove that morning to work still focusing on my center, someone in the stream of traffic stopped abruptly causing an accident involving about 5 cars.

I was in one of those cars, and my car hit the guy's bumper in front of me, but not too hard. The women's car behind me, however, slammed very hard into mine, totaling my car.

No one was hurt too seriously and I was unscathed, physically, and emotionally. I calmly just did what needed to be done while also observing what was happening around me.

As all the drivers pulled over to wait for the police and deal with the situation, the woman who had slammed into me was visibly shaken.

She shared with me that she has an anxiety disorder and suffers from panic attacks. It looked to me like she might have a panic attack soon. So I suggested that she breathe slowly and deeply and we did this together. This helped her and she relaxed a bit. Then I mentioned that the breathing will help her feel the fear and that it's okay to let the body shake and tremble. (I too have had panic attacks )

All of a sudden she reacted, upset at my use of the word 'fear', saying to me "What! I'm not afraid!".

She was unconscious of the fact that anxiety and panic is fear.

Her reaction to the word 'fear' was resistance to acknowledging it in herself. Acknowledging and feeling it though would have allowed it to move through her which could prevent a full-blown panic attack. (judging & resisting a feeling gives it more power over us)

There are many ways we hide fear. Psychological phrases and diagnosis is one way we might do that. It can help us become somewhat more aware but only diagnosing ourselves mentally can keep us in our mind and out of our body. This happens especially in times of shock or abrupt change (I've done a lot of healing for myself around shock & trauma).

Intentionally exploring the ways we hide fear and hide from fear is so helpful. Fear often drives us unconsciously, limiting our potential and happiness, and it's also built into our social fabric. We all experience fear yet there's this unspoken message that it's not okay to talk about it. And to show that we are afraid is not okay either and means we are weak somehow.

I've often been surprised at what I've discovered when I explore my fears. But I'm so glad for this self-exploration path I've chosen because we can't change something without becoming aware of it first.

*****************

Examples of fears:
Fear of being rejected
Fear of being alone
Fear of making mistakes
Fear of losing control
Fear of being judged
Fear of fear
Fear of the unknown (a very challenging one)
Fear of death (a very challenging one too and is related to fear of the unknown)

What would you add to this list?

Force or Focus (New Year's Resolutions)

Wed, 08 Jan 2020 06:00:00 GMT

When I was younger I would get pumped at this time of year with renewed hope for change (a brand new me!). I would make New Year’s resolutions with gusto, and then several weeks later would give up. Whatever change I planned was harder than I realized. I would feel deflated as I lost that hope to become the person I thought I should be in order to be happy.

Then the next time came around and I would do the same thing thinking “This time I really mean it. I’m going to try harder.”

Nothing really changed.

The recurring loss of hope I later realized was necessary for me. I was using hope and I was using force. That is all that I knew at the time.

Because underneath whatever goals I set, were variations of not being good enough. The hope of changing myself was a welcomed distraction from my pain at the time. But the change never stuck because the things I did was how I coped with the pain.

The reason why I wasn’t happy was not REALLY because I smoked cigarettes, or went to bed too late, nor was it not being good at managing money, or being productive enough, or not having a boyfriend, or not being outgoing enough.

When I realized this, I stopped making resolutions and goals. I instead dealt with my deeper issues and took life as it came.

Then many changes happened from the healing and awakening process. The changes have been positive yet unpredictable. They manifested out of deep inner shifts, not from enforcing a preplanned outcome. The happiness discovered within became the initial spark, rather than something I hoped for in the future. Despite not chasing a certain outcome, action and expression though have been important.

After years in this period of ‘no-goals’ it came time again to make resolutions. Or more accurately, to focus.

I see this as a focus on what matters most. As an expression of a genuine expansion radiating up from the being. It is not a limiting of or force upon ourselves. It does not contain judgments and mental ideals. It has a different quality and comes from knowing it’s time to claim the direction necessary to expand and come out of our old shell. Focus also effortlessly exposes and eliminates the trivial.

I've found this a great way to start a New Year. This initial choice in focus marks an exciting beginning, yet in my experience, the choice must be made again and again. And again and again. As many times as needed to shift from one way of living to another.

Insights about Success (from starting my Solo Business)

Wed, 30 Oct 2019 21:53:28 GMT

At first, I felt uncomfortable and 'icky' about promoting and selling. I then got over that part and went into all of it enthusiastically and without bias. In the past few years, I have tried on many things and strategies while learning how to run this small solo business.

Money. It seemed weird and random, a game of numbers that I didn’t know how to play. Now I feel the energetics of it. Sometimes I must charge a certain amount, sometimes I feel right in making something more accessible or free.

The idea that I'm charging "what I'm worth" doesn’t actually feel true.

The value of what I offer needed to be seen by one person. Me. This has been huge for me.

Having an income is necessary and profit is nice, but it is not a reflection of my worth.

I don’t want to analyze who my target audience is so I can figure how out how to cater to them. In being myself, I just see who shows up. They tell me who they are.

I can run my business and still be spontaneous! Such a huge relief for me. And it's actually the best 'strategy' so I can allow what wants to come through me.

At one point I saw that my ego was attached to success and so so happy to have transformed that! Would have been exhausting to constantly chase a carrot on a stick. And sad to be disconnected from my inner being like that.

I don’t have a goal-setting practice anymore. If an inspiration or vision comes from within than I set goals and plan as necessary to bring it to reality. But the vision has to come first and I don’t like forcing it.

If I need constant motivating from outside myself, something is off.

I used to think I was a procrastinator. I've realized that this isn’t true. Sometimes the timing is just not right or what I planned to do or what I think I should do is actually not needed. Existence will push me to act when it's important.

When it is avoidance, then it is an opportunity to transform an inner block.

"You should think bigger and shoot higher" is an urging that is not always what it seems. Sometimes it is from someone's insecurity and not-enoughness. I feel compassion for all that but I'm not taking it on anymore. Genuine inner contentment is a treasure and it does not prevent creativity or expansion.

Comparison and competition demotivate me. big time.

Staying superficially small out of fear though, that is different and very worth looking at! I’ve seen my tendency to do this and although it’s common and understandable, I’ve also realized that it is selfish to withhold myself.

Taking time away to be inward and to rest is not withholding myself.

The only success I'm now interested in is what happens when I let go. My capacity to surrender into the unknown is slowly growing! Because of this, I’m being “successful” already.

Coming to this space of letting go in my business and in my life, I feel a “thank you so much!” to me from my own heart.