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She was working as a prostitute.
She lived in a tiny one-room musty shack in the worst part of town. Nighttime was her working time. She was used to all kinds of men that would come knocking on her door. Some were even doctors, clergymen, and lawyers (They could depend on her to hold their secrets). So when she opened the door on this early evening and saw an elderly sage man, it surprised her, but not that much. She invited him in the way she does all the others. He right away explained that he was here to help her. He told her this life was no longer hers and she is meant for something better. She broke into tears. No one had ever spoken to her this way. With such belief, kindness, and caring.
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I was missing a man I had been experiencing a profound and exciting long-distance connection with. He resides way over on the other side of the Atlantic. In particular, I felt a painful aching to feel his physical body close and his arms around me firmly. I longed to feel our skin touch. This wasn’t the first time I struggled with this impossible to satisfy need. This time however I wondered if or how I could give what I longed for - to myself. I asked myself: Can I give to myself what I want from another? A curiosity arose about what could be possible 
I hated talking about my feelings. Ugh. Sharing my inner world. It was awful. This is how I felt up till my early thirties or so.
But I would have times of intense depression and desperation and the psychiatric medications I took weren’t enough to completely numb it. There was this idea I had that when you have an emotional or mental problem you “get help”. Like some kind of magical solution happens when you “get help”. 
Light and positivity are not the same thing to me. If I relegated light to being positive my actual inner light would be restricted and stunted.
Light in the way I'm meaning it here is Consciousness. Think of a flash light in a dark room. It reveals what has been hidden. I allow both my “positive” and “negative”. I put those in quotes because truly to me, whatever reveals the truth, is ultimately positive. It is a YES to life itself. 
Self-Empowerment is super messy. For a while. If someone’s been living in a largely dis-empowered state for quite a while and their inner power is waking up - there is an adjustment phase. There will be mistakes and finer areas of learning and growth. Just like with anything new that we do or step into. 
One day last year I had something come up. Deep Sadness. Lots of tears.
As I wondered what this was about, a thought came, “The planet is sick and dying and needs our help” I was surprised. I had no idea I believed this. It was an awful feeling. An awful thought. It brought such a heavy feeling of sadness and dread. I continued to feel all of it and then after a few minutes suddenly the sadness lifted and the tears stopped. I felt calm and still. 
Some of you can relate to this. The constant assessing of the mind. How am I doing? Did I do or say that correctly? Is it good enough? The comparing with other people. Or worrying about what people think. Second-guessing. Doubting. On and on it goes. That’s what mine can sound like. Yours may have its own default trajectory. |
Author: Leela Haris ~ Intuition
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