It was my mom and me on a hot day in Baghdad (where we lived at the time). I was miserable as I was being dragged on another boring errand to the market.

I wanted to be playing. I wanted to be running around and having fun.

But instead, I was stuck there watching as she mulled over prices at the stalls, looking carefully at the grocery items. I’m impatient and antsy and she senses it. As usual, she admonishes me to stay close to her (I made adults nervous with my tendency to bolt when they weren’t looking)

I dedicated my life to only one thing; conquering death by learning to die consciously.

As a young adult I gladly and with great relief left the world and joined a group of monks in a simple small remote village. A village isolated and far removed from the activity of the world. I spent the rest of my days meditating and listening to and trying to understand the teachings of the Buddha and the wisdom of my Lama (teacher and spiritual guide in Buddhism). I tried very hard to learn how to die consciously. It was the only goal I had. Nothing else mattered to me. Why would it? The world as the scriptures taught me, is just an illusion.

Recently I was missing a man I’ve been experiencing a deep connection with. In particular, I felt this longing to feel his physical body close and to feel his arms around me firmly. To feel our skin touch.

As I was feeling this I started to wonder if or how I could give what I longed for - to myself. I felt a curiosity about what can be possible if I explored this.

I then, without thinking, walked into my bedroom and removed all my clothes, and laid down on my back on my soft bed. I ran my hands through my hair and spread it around me. I began touching the sides of my face and then moved my hand gently across my shoulders and chest.

I’ve discovered something. I measured the size of the heart and it is the same size as the universe.
 
It is that big! It can open that much! It can vibrate out to the edge of ALL that is.
 
This has been an extraordinary discovery for me.
 
And another discovery: I've often felt the heart to be warm and sweet - yet there is something else.
 
The heart is wild. SO WILD.

My father had a brief stay in the hospital once (it turned out to be nothing serious).
 
Several of us were visiting and had gathered around him as he rested in his hospital bed. He and my young nephew were hungry so someone brought some burgers and fries.
 
While eating my father offered my little nephew one of his fries. My nephew instinctively and gleefully took it and gobbled it up.

​On the periphery we each have our stories, diverse experiences, and unique way of being in the world.
​
At our core, in our center, is something beyond our personal identity.

This is the only place where I’ve glimpsed true equality and unity.

This place is also sometimes called the zero-point. Where nothing is happening and yet all is possible.

Recently I was struggling with my mind and was experiencing exhaustion. I could barely focus on anything longer than a few minutes and the exhaustion felt deep and existential. 

My thoughts were around how it's all so meaningless. I'm too tired to care. What's the point? It's all so meaningless. So much suffering (mine and others). So many lifetimes of seeking, of trying and what has it done? Nothing. I have nothing to show for any of it.

In my personal experience in how my self-awareness has grown in the 45 years I've been alive, and in my observation of people: I've realized something.

Most people who are afraid don't know they are afraid.

A story:

This was about 5 or so years ago, one morning during meditation I got a clear urging from within to focus on being centered.

So I stayed very focused on that peaceful unmoving center within me as I got ready for work.

Not feeling good enough for someone. Who hasn't felt this way at some point?

​Here is my understanding about this.-
​
​When we are carrying an insecurity about ourselves, we may experience others as not accepting us.

This can result as patterns of conflict with others or of trying to please them. This is very common but keeps us trapped in a painful and draining situation.

I don't go to art museums much anymore. I used to. I've always loved visual art. But when I discovered something called Process Art years ago, I realized what I loved.

It is aliveness. It is spontaneity. It is originality. It is the surprise of color and form and how they interact.

I had an experience.

It happened while bartending. Over 12 years ago.

The bar I worked in had a cigarette machine in the back. The bartenders were told to keep an eye out for under-18 teens sneaking in to get cigarettes.

One night three young-looking guys walked in and headed toward the cigarettes. I stopped them to check their I.D.s.

My perspective on what it means to Be Conscious.

It is not in the way I talk or words I use. It's not the way I look, act, or dress. It is not a technique I use or approach to life I prefer. It is not the teacher I love working with.  Nor is it about some kind of gift, talent, or ability. It is not in being kind nor is it in any particular trait in me. 

It's not a list of good deeds I can show off.

It's not in the money or any outer success I can attain.

​It's not in environmentally aware habits, living clean, or simple. It's not in not having money, success or possessions either.

I hated talking about my feelings. Ugh. Sharing my inner world. It was awful. This is how I felt up till my early thirties or so.

But I would have times of intense depression and desperation and the psychiatric medications I took weren’t enough to completely numb it. There was this idea I had that when you have an emotional or mental problem you “get help”. Like some kind of magical solution happens when you “get help”.

“This Should Be Easy” ​<- Ever have this judgment toward yourself?

I have this habit - ​When anything breaks or something needs to be maintained: on my car, on my computer, or in my home. I immediately go into mental complaining and resistance. If possible I will find a way to avoid dealing with it.

Even the smallest things. The other day I got home and a light bulb in my kitchen went out. My mind immediately said what it typically says “Oh man, such a pain. Nah, I’ll change the light bulb later. I can live with less light in here”.

Light and positivity are not the same thing to me. If I relegated light to being positive my actual inner light would be restricted and stunted.

Light in the way I'm meaning it here is Consciousness.

Think of a flash light in a dark room. It reveals what has been hidden.

I allow both my “positive” and “negative”. I put those in quotes because truly to me, whatever reveals the truth, is ultimately positive. It is a YES to life itself.

Self-Empowerment is super messy. For a while.

If someone’s been living in a largely dis-empowered state for quite a while and their inner power is waking up - there is an adjustment phase. There will be mistakes and finer areas of learning and growth. Just like with anything new that we do or step into.

WEIRD

This word.

I've been called weird almost all my life.

Such a sore spot in me anytime someone would say this to me. Ouch.

Dating is totally different for me since doing inner work. It has gone from painful drama to Adventure.

A story...
​
Several years ago I met a man online. At first it was just a few friendly messages. The conversations quickly became more frequent and we seemed to have a lot in common. I found him easy to talk to. We started chatting on video too (we live in different states).

In our conversations I would have these moments thinking “wow, he says all the right things!”. I felt such a strong connection and trust with him. And this is all happening in the space of 3 weeks or so. I felt like I could really be myself and not worry about anything.

So a while back I was driving and stopped at a light. I looked over across the intersection and became suddenly and deeply enthralled with this car this woman was driving.

I was really looking at it. Noticing all the rust, how the car is so many different colors of paint.. just for some strange reason amazed and really focused at the junkiness of her car.

And then all of a sudden I snap out of it. And I start laughing, like wow what was that!?

Because I DRIVE A JUNKY CAR!

 See, your Agony and your Ecstasy (your Light and your Dark) they live RIGHT next to each other. They are actually really good friends. They hang out. They trade recipes. They share secrets.

They get together and have regular goofball dance sessions. 

They laugh hysterically at each other's jokes.

They even speak in secret code, the way that best friends often do.

Dear Darkness,

I’ve known you for so long, for long enough now. Long enough to realize that maybe you are not the enemy that I thought you were. I may have misunderstood you...completely misunderstood you. 

I think I got you all wrong. 

And I’m also tired. I’m tired of the war between us. I am no longer going to try - to try to fix you up and alter you, to try to make you bright and pretty.