Bipolar & Finding Center

I was diagnosed as Borderline Bipolar in my late twenties.

Years later through my inner healing process, I began to experience something;

My Center

I discovered that this center, this place inside me, when I connected to it, I was connected to something that stayed unchanged and unaffected throughout all my changing moods, energies, and states.

This discovery changed things for me significantly because part of the pain of what they call Bipolar is that when I was up, I would lose myself in that up. So then when I was down, I would lose myself in that too.

When I thought that an up state was an achievement and gave it a lot of importance and expected it to be permanent (forgetting that there are lots of other experiences in life) well then when it changed, which it always does, I would be devastated. I would feel as if I had lost something precious. I would interpret it as something bad happening.

I believed that up is "good" and down as "bad".

Having a stronger center means I can ride the waves without getting lost in them or judging them.

I’ve realized that any wave I’m experiencing is not permanent. It’s naturally going to change.

Being more centered helps me remember this.

But I haven’t stopped experiencing the changing waves. In fact, I experience them intensely at times. I like the ability to feel it all more deeply now.

In the up wave, I feel motivated, energized, creative, and excited. I have visions. I see solutions. I work hard at things.

And I trust that.

In the down wave I feel slow, less energy,  not overly motivated, and introspective. I’ve learned with time to appreciate the down wave more. Even when it comes with a depression or a heaviness. Sometimes it can even feel restful. A relaxing pause before the next wave of energy.

And I've learned to trust that too.

Up & Down.
Day & Night.

I need both.