Not feeling good enough for someone. Who hasn't felt this way at some point?

​Here is my understanding about this.-
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​When we are carrying an insecurity about ourselves, we may experience others as not accepting us.

This can result as patterns of conflict with others or of trying to please them. This is very common but keeps us trapped in a painful and draining situation.

I don't go to art museums much anymore. I used to. I've always loved visual art. But when I discovered something called Process Art years ago, I realized what I loved.

It is aliveness. It is spontaneity. It is originality. It is the surprise of color and form and how they interact.

I had an experience.

It happened while bartending. Over 12 years ago.

The bar I worked in had a cigarette machine in the back. The bartenders were told to keep an eye out for under-18 teens sneaking in to get cigarettes.

One night three young-looking guys walked in and headed toward the cigarettes. I stopped them to check their I.D.s.

My perspective on what it means to Be Conscious.

It is not in the way I talk or words I use. It's not the way I look, act, or dress. It is not a technique I use or approach to life I prefer. It is not the teacher I love working with.  Nor is it about some kind of gift, talent, or ability. It is not in being kind nor is it in any particular trait in me. 

It's not a list of good deeds I can show off.

It's not in the money or any outer success I can attain.

​It's not in environmentally aware habits, living clean, or simple. It's not in not having money, success or possessions either.

I hated talking about my feelings. Ugh. Sharing my inner world. It was awful. This is how I felt up till my early thirties or so.

But I would have times of intense depression and desperation and the psychiatric medications I took weren’t enough to completely numb it. There was this idea I had that when you have an emotional or mental problem you “get help”. Like some kind of magical solution happens when you “get help”.

“This Should Be Easy” ​<- Ever have this judgment toward yourself?

I have this habit - ​When anything breaks or something needs to be maintained: on my car, on my computer, or in my home. I immediately go into mental complaining and resistance. If possible I will find a way to avoid dealing with it.

Even the smallest things. The other day I got home and a light bulb in my kitchen went out. My mind immediately said what it typically says “Oh man, such a pain. Nah, I’ll change the light bulb later. I can live with less light in here”.

Light and positivity are not the same thing to me. If I relegated light to being positive my actual inner light would be restricted and stunted.

Light in the way I'm meaning it here is Consciousness.

Think of a flash light in a dark room. It reveals what has been hidden.

I allow both my “positive” and “negative”. I put those in quotes because truly to me, whatever reveals the truth, is ultimately positive. It is a YES to life itself.

Self-Empowerment is super messy. For a while.

If someone’s been living in a largely dis-empowered state for quite a while and their inner power is waking up - there is an adjustment phase. There will be mistakes and finer areas of learning and growth. Just like with anything new that we do or step into.

WEIRD

This word.

I've been called weird almost all my life.

Such a sore spot in me anytime someone would say this to me. Ouch.

Dear Men,

Thank you for all your strength. For all the times you had to go into battle and face harm and even death. For all the hard work you have done under the pressure to provide and to protect.

For thousands of lifetimes, you have had to be the strong one. The one who knew all the answers. The one who took charge. Who fixed it all. Who could never show weakness. You have had to stay on guard for so long.

Dating is totally different for me since doing inner work. It has gone from painful drama to Adventure.

A story...
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Several years ago I met a man online. At first it was just a few friendly messages. The conversations quickly became more frequent and we seemed to have a lot in common. I found him easy to talk to. We started chatting on video too (we live in different states).

In our conversations I would have these moments thinking “wow, he says all the right things!”. I felt such a strong connection and trust with him. And this is all happening in the space of 3 weeks or so. I felt like I could really be myself and not worry about anything.

I was at the grocery store checkout line recently. The woman directly in front of me was checking out and had her baby in one of those harnesses strapped to her chest. She had a lot of groceries and was lifting large heavy items from the bottom of her cart.

I thought to help her but something stopped me. It didn’t feel right to interfere. So I stood there watching her do this heavy lifting with her baby strapped on her. I watched as thoughts like “Don’t just stand there and be a jerk, help her” float through my mind. But still, it didn’t feel right to do anything. So I continued standing there.

Once a year I’ve been going to Vancouver to do a 10-day intensive retreat. This year for the first time it was held instead on Salt Spring Island, an Island reachable from the mainland by ferry.

These retreats are always amazing, but this year I felt it on a new level. This beautiful magical island seems to support higher consciousness.

While on the Island I actually underwent a Dalian Method healing session for myself, alone in public! Something I’ve never done. (the process requires out loud verbal expression of our moment to moment truth and feelings).

“Negative emotions are toxic to your physical health”

I hear this often. This is one of those statements I found needs expanding on, by itself it can be misunderstood.

Yes it’s true that our mental and emotional state affect our physical health and can contribute to illness. It’s good to be aware of how everything is connected. Yet the idea that our emotions are toxic can, ironically, contribute to the very toxicity we want to avoid.

One day last year I had something come up. Deep Sadness. Lots of tears.

As I wondered what this was about, a thought came,

“The planet is sick and dying and needs our help”

I was surprised. I had no idea I believed this. It was an awful feeling. An awful thought. It brought such a heavy feeling of sadness and dread. I continued to feel all of it and then after a few minutes suddenly the sadness lifted and the tears stopped. I felt calm and still.

A couple of years ago (actually I don’t know when exactly, I’m just guessing) I noticed this growing anxiety whenever a cop car was behind me or near me while driving. This got to the point of being pretty uncomfortable.

​So I found a way to calm myself.

​I would first check a few things: driving the speed limit...check! got my seat belt on...check! staying in my own lane...check! I would make sure I wasn’t driving like a drunk person (which is funny because I rarely drink alcohol these days). I then would tell myself that they just happened to be behind me and I haven’t done anything wrong, so there's no reason to be nervous.

I’ve been exploring what ‘life purpose’ really means.

When I was younger and not happy with my life, I wanted to find the work that would fulfill me. If I’m going to spend so much of my life in a job or career I want it to be joyful and fun.

I didn’t know what I wanted to do and had very little I felt passionate about. And all the questionnaires and books on choosing a career or finding my purpose didn’t help me.

Some of you can relate to this. The constant assessing of the mind. How am I doing? Did I do or say that correctly? Is it good enough? The comparing with other people.

Or worrying about what people think. Second-guessing. Doubting. On and on it goes. That’s what mine can sound like. Yours may have its own default trajectory.

How To Tell When Someone Is Lying To You

Primary Traits Of An Energy Vampire

10 Signs You Are Dealing With A Psychopath
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How To Spot A Manipulator

I’ve seen a great deal of articles with titles like these. I can see how this kind of information may be an initial eye opener and a helpful first step.

But here is how I’ve learned to discern these things.

So a while back I was driving and stopped at a light. I looked over across the intersection and became suddenly and deeply enthralled with this car this woman was driving.

I was really looking at it. Noticing all the rust, how the car is so many different colors of paint.. just for some strange reason amazed and really focused at the junkiness of her car.

And then all of a sudden I snap out of it. And I start laughing, like wow what was that!?

Because I DRIVE A JUNKY CAR!

I’ve been noticing in some people who even though they have no interest in this whole inner work stuff, they will actually light up when speaking about a dream they’ve had.

It’s really cool to see that.

They wonder what the dream means. What it symbolizes. And sometimes they will even open up about their inner world when they normally wouldn’t.

The dream becomes an opening. A safe way to take a closer look.

 See, your Agony and your Ecstasy (your Light and your Dark) they live RIGHT next to each other. They are actually really good friends. They hang out. They trade recipes. They share secrets.

They get together and have regular goofball dance sessions. 

They laugh hysterically at each other's jokes.

They even speak in secret code, the way that best friends often do.

I’ve always had this gift (curse?) of making something small and enlarging it, expanding on it, embellishing it. Stretching it for miles and miles.

I did this with situations that were painful for me. Creating all kinds of fear scenarios. All kinds of stories. Rolling them around in my fearful worried head. Hanging onto it for as long as I can.

What used to seem like a bad habit, I’ve made it into a gift now. I’m now making mountains out of what feels good. Taking tiny beautiful moments and pulling whole universes out of them.

It’s February, the month of Love. It's another excuse to turn up the heat on your Inner Flame. Drenching each cell in your body with ruby red, juicy, and luscious love.

Even when you are howling from that deep bottomless ache inside of you. Even when life feels impossibly hard and there is pain and fear. Are you willing to open to the possibility of embodied pleasure and love? Even if it just means letting yourself feel the coziness and softness of the bed covers you are hiding under. Or smelling your favorite oil or perfume and noticing how sensual and yummy it makes you feel. Letting that in. For even just a moment.

Dear Darkness,

I’ve known you for so long, for long enough now. Long enough to realize that maybe you are not the enemy that I thought you were. I may have misunderstood you...completely misunderstood you. 

I think I got you all wrong. 

And I’m also tired. I’m tired of the war between us. I am no longer going to try - to try to fix you up and alter you, to try to make you bright and pretty.