Some of you can relate to this. The constant assessing of the mind. How am I doing? Did I do or say that correctly? Is it good enough? The comparing with other people.
Or worrying about what people think. Second-guessing. Doubting. On and on it goes. That’s what mine can sound like. Yours may have its own default trajectory.
This chattering mind has been fading into the background more and more. There is this new feeling of freedom and space coming into my life.
But I’m not always sure what to do with this freedom. So many things I can do, and don’t know which choice to make. So I find myself not doing anything. Because I can’t decide. And then that chattering mind comes back in. The old comes back in because it’s comfortable. This is what I’ve known for so long. Freedom can be uncomfortable. Change can be scary, no matter how positive it is.
I started responding to this indecision anxiety by asking myself, “What in me wants to be lived right now?”
Sometimes my inner voice says, “Go do the laundry.” And though that’s not very interesting, I do it. And in doing it, I feel the energy in my body shift. I might have a spontaneous insight or solution to an issue. Or maybe I just feel more grounded and it feels good to act on something I’d been procrastinating on.
Other times, it says, “Go write that thing you wanted to write about on Facebook, but said No to doing it because you were worried people won’t like it.”
Or, “Tell that person how much you love them,” or “Stop people-pleasing and be honest with others.”
And the outcome of what I do, like if it’s my writing, is not so important. Whether it was good or not isn’t as important as doing it. I lived what wanted to be lived. In doing that, I’m already successful. That’s what really matters to me. If I make a mistake, then it was needed so I could learn something.
At times I have to consciously remind myself about this. Because my mind has been shaped by the world. Programmed by fear and judgment.
I notice that if I’m not connecting with my intuition and letting that guide my energy, my mind will run it for me. I have to teach Spazzy how to relax.
This is the intention I’m inviting:
I want to live in a way in which I am genuinely at peace with myself. I’m going to die at some point, but when that day comes, I don’t want to go with all these unlived experiences and regrets. In the end, I don’t want to look back on my life and suddenly see that I held back so much.
Letting death guide my life. This gives me my anchor, a priceless perspective to carry wherever I go.
PS: I don’t make this feel like a ‘job’ that I ‘have’ to do. I try to be honest with myself. If my intuition asks me to do something and I don’t want to do it, then I acknowledge how I really feel. If I’m honest with my No, then the Yes does eventually come. And when it does come, it’s a genuine full-hearted YES.
I’ve always had this gift (curse?) of making something small and enlarging it, expanding on it, embellishing it. Stretching it for miles and miles.
I did this with situations that were painful for me. Creating all kinds of fear scenarios. All kinds of stories. Rolling them around in my fearful worried head. Hanging onto it for as long as I can.
What used to seem like a bad habit, I’ve made it into a gift now. I’m now making mountains out of what feels good. Taking tiny beautiful moments and pulling whole universes out of them.
The way the air feels on my skin. The feeling of the floor I’m sitting on as I write this. How it feels to hold the pen I’m writing with. The textural sounds that silence makes. The sound of the heated air coming out of the vents. When I wash dishes, the texture of the plate, the way the water caresses my hand.
I collect these moments. As if they are shiny gold pieces and the brightest ruby and shimmering emerald stones. Treasures often found after digging through the mud.
And. The more ordinary the better.
And it’s not some grandiose noble idea on how present I'm being. It’s just noticing that some things feel really good. If I let them. If I give myself permission to indulge it as much as I want.
Letting myself swim in it.
Letting life in.
It’s all so incredibly alive. So much so, that sometimes I wonder if anyone has ever exploded from the hugeness of it all.
And the world... well so much is happening isn’t it? But I keep coming back. Back to *here*.
I’m sharing this especially for those of you who have a sense that you are here to help. How easy it is to confuse helping with carrying the world on our shoulders. Taking on the suffering of others.
But really, it’s only you that you need to save. In that saving you recover your true self. And in letting yourself be alive as who you are, it creates powerful ripples. Those ripples travel to the places they are most needed.
And without our effort they do exactly what needs to be done.
To me this is what it means to be of service. Being in service to our aliveness. Do you feel it? How the world is just aching for aliveness?
Every moment you gift yourself soulful pleasure, you gift it to the entire planet. Yes, all of humanity but also our beloved Earth herself.
In my personal connection with our momma Earth I've noticed she doesn’t seem to care so much about my carbon footprint or joining a cause in her name. She is not interested in being saved.
In my ecstasy I can even hear her sigh sometimes… as if to say “Ah yes, that! right there! yes, thank you!”.
So you see? Our work doesn't always have to feel like work. We are just growing our beautiful inner swirly and pulsing light and allowing it to shine itself brightly.
Yours in shiny ecstatic light,
PS. This opening to ecstatic feel goodness, yes it also can bring moments of agony as well. We start feeling the entire spectrum of our inner landscape. The agony has its own uncomfortable and strange richness and beauty. I wrote about the relationship between Agony and Ecstasy here
Did you think you were done with the really hard stuff?
Not much more pain? No more falling apart? It’s uphill from now on?
The light inside seems to just keep growing and growing and then…
… the ground falls away, and everything goes dark.
See, there is a time for being in the sun, for joy and expansion and so much knowing and stepping into your truth. Into your power. For wholeness. Answers come. This is a time for Life.
And then there is a time for falling apart. For being lost in a dark room. The terror of the unknown. What used to feel so real doesn’t anymore. Sacred Disintegration. This is a time of a dying.
The truth is, you don’t know what is going to come. What the next layer will be like.
It sometimes shows up when we least expect it, when we feel the strongest or when we have experienced a huge transformation in our lives. It can feel the opposite of where we thought we were headed.
And it will feel like you are dying. You want to scream. You wonder what you did wrong. What mistake you are making to bring up so much pain and doubt.
You may question your sanity. All those realizations you have had… well, are they meaningless? Is anything real?
Why do all this work? What’s the point? Just to bring more pain and darkness? Left with nothing, just being here naked and raw. Shivering in the cold. So much sacrifice. But nothing gained.
You may doubt your decision to walk the path of individuality, to find and know yourself. It would have been easier to fit in. To go along with the crowd. Borrowed truths aren’t very satisfying, but they seem secure compared to this.
Birthing your truth is so much harder than you ever imagined. It almost doesn’t feel worth it. Why wake up when you can stay safely asleep? You feel the danger of it all, and you wonder if you have what it takes.
… you do have what it takes.
This is happening because all the work you have done has given you the inner strength to go through this disintegration.
Feel this. Let it really sink in.
You do have what it takes.
You haven’t done anything wrong. Even though your mind is screaming at you that you have.
Did you ask to be real?
To come alive?
To know Love, to be Love, to be loved?
To know who you really are?
Well, you are being loved right now. And your mind can never love in a true way. Your mind knows survival and safety. It knows how to conform and hold on. It stands at every gate you pass through.
We have to die a mini-death at each gate to bring forth what is next. We go deeper. We descend.
Despite many of the popular New Age Ascension messages against what is seen as negative or lower vibrations: We ascend only as high as we are able to descend into our depths.
True love can hurt sometimes. It hurts what is false. What we are holding on to what we think who we are. But what we think doesn’t come close to the potential that we have inside.
Your false self is what is dying. Another layer shed. It’s not supposed to feel good. It’s not supposed to fit in with your neatly laid out plans. Something bigger wants to happen that your plans are insufficient to hold.
Is your trust coming from having life bend to your will? Then it’s okay if that trust shatters. You are being introduced to real trust. Something enduring. Something so much bigger than your ego.
We have been taught to believe that pain and fear are weaknesses. We tend to think we are doing something wrong when we are hurting.
But have you thought about how huge and profound it is to come home? How many lifetimes of unfelt pain you are strong enough to be traveling through right now? How many false beliefs you are untangling yourself from?
Of course, bringing your soul into the world will feel impossibly hard at times. The most amazing thing we can do for ourselves and this planet is also the most challenging thing as well.
You are so amazing. Look at what you are trying to do as the big dreamer that you are. The fact that you dare to do this work. The beauty and love inside you is pushing up to be seen and felt.
Thus everything that is not love is being revealed. Life is asking to love you, and she kisses you where it hurts. But she will not take the pain away until it’s time. You are not being punished. You are being born.
Some advice from me if you are in a Sacred Disintegration:
Mistakes, Failures, Missteps… it’s all a part of it, to trip and fall in that dark room. Learn what needs to be learned, but also be kind to yourself.
If part of you wants to expand and part of you wants to stay small, it can create almost unbearable tension. Give voice to both. Be especially brutality honest about the part of you that doesn’t want to deal with it.
That wants to hide from Truth and hold on to the known. That wants to go back to sleep. The spiritually Incorrect one.
Once you give it voice and let it live, and not try to shame it into shape, then it can relax and you can find your way back to this work in a way that feels authentic. Instead of shoulding yourself into it.
Be aware of the people around you. You may need to speak this experience to only those who are also turning and heading back home. Even those who consider themselves spiritual may not be working towards their own individuality.
In many ways, they can’t help but judge (and fear you) because they are not there yet. They can’t understand something they have never experienced or don’t desire.
They may think you are unstable, or somehow see you as going down a dark or wrong path. Watch for fear-laden advice.
Loving you in all your dark places,
I’ve known you for so long, for long enough now. Long enough to realize that maybe you are not the enemy that I thought you were. I may have misunderstood you...completely misunderstood you.
I think I got you all wrong.
And I’m also tired. I’m tired of the war between us. I am no longer going to try - to try to fix you up and alter you, to try to make you bright and pretty.
I’m sorry for what I’ve done to try to change you into something you’re not.
Can we start over?
Look, I can’t say that I totally love you and embrace you with enthusiasm. Truth is it hurts to know you. To feel you. But I’m willing to listen now. I would like to see what gifts you are bringing.
I promise to stop slamming the door in your face when you show up.
And also, just as important, to notice when you are leaving and to let you go.
I am willing to hold you without gripping too tight.
I will stop comparing you to the light and pitting you against each other. I know that what you bring is just as valuable.
But first, I would like to lay down some ground rules for your visits to me:
You cannot make my major life decisions, nor can you solely shape my perspective towards myself and life.
You can no longer be my excuse for not taking responsibility; for forgetting that every choice, thought, and emotion is for me to own.
You can not show up only so I don’t have to.
I will not blame an outside force for your existence.
Equally you are not to be a reason for shame and withholding acceptance and compassion from myself.
And although it’s your nature to dim the light, you are not to, under any circumstances, extinguish my inner flame totally.
But here is what you CAN do:
You can provide Depth. Compassion. Sensitivity.
You may fuel my Inner Strength and my Courage.
You can show me how vital it is that I take charge of my own narrative and that in doing so, it has the effect of fighting for this life, this life that is in front of me and within me right now.
You can be the reason I dive into such depths in my self-work and take more risks.
You can inspire me to heal and parent my childness.
You may draw me inward and show me the importance of Silence.
You can show me when and how to rest.
You can teach me how to Trust and to show me the beauty of Surrender.
You can show me how to find the Stillpoint, the center of the tornado.
You may help me shed worn-out identities and stories.
You may reveal your unique underworld Mystery and beauty to me.
You can of course show me my blocks and my wounds. But you have to accept your limitations on how to work with them, sometimes that is the Light’s job.
Sometimes though - Maybe many times - Maybe all the time; It is the job of the Whole to put the pieces back where they belong.
And of course there is much more to you, gifts that I’ve yet to know.
I see now, that despite how it seems, you are not isolating me from myself and life. In fact I see how you've helped me to come so much closer to myself and to life.
Thank you darkness for all that you’ve done for me and continue to do for me.
Yes, you are dark, but you are not wrong.
This was inspired by and written in loving memory of Michael Julian Berz.
Leela Haris - Expanding Consciousness