Learning to live & Die consciously

I recently experienced a shift and made a decision contrary to what the standard of care and my oncologist and team recommend. I then experienced intense conflict with some family. I was stunned at their harsh judgments. I handled it better than in the past, but I sensed there was something I needed to learn.

I requested a private Dalian Method session from Mada and she guided me to discover and release more subtle layers of fear and confusion and then I was able to connect to my intuition. She then encouraged me to stay true to myself but also to have compassion for my family. I was reminded of just how much fear I’ve addressed in myself over the years which gave me more understanding of the amount of fear and confusion happening inside each family member (on the surface we looked very different but they were mirroring to me my own fear and confusion).

Inspired by Mada’s support and guidance I sent out the below email to family.  I held no expectations for how anyone would respond. Turns out it has already mended what I thought would be irreparable. Some separation has now dissolved.

In gratitude once more for Mada Dalian and the depth of her healing approach – the ripple effect is beyond what my mind can grasp.

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Dear family,

• I carefully tuned into my intuition to arrive at my choice to stop all treatments •
The cancer clinic/treatments has had some benefit but now it’s time to pull away from it. Time at the clinic results in more worrying and that feeling of being sick and being a cancer patient on an endless conveyer belt of treatments and side effects. The treatments with their side effects lowers my morale and I can feel how my life force and will to live are negatively affected. The symptoms, the brain fog, not feeling well, exhaustion and weakness also make it harder to take good care of myself and to feel positive. Since deciding this I’ve felt more uplifted and positive and am looking forward to the future and to getting stronger.

Choosing quality of life is not me choosing to shorten my life though, it is my approach to healing and longevity, they are one and the same for me.

If you want to support me, here are 3 great ways:
1.    Respect my Decisions and Accept me as I am
Supporting and accepting my decisions helps create such a positive relaxing experience (thank you to those of you who are already doing this!).

But arguing or debating, trying to work out your own unresolved issues on me, or imposing your ideas and fears onto me <-- these things make it so so much harder for me to heal because it creates negativity and stress and drains my energy. I am aiming not to do this to others too and I am growing and learning important life lessons through the conflicts and challenges.

2.    Believe in Me
I know I can heal myself because I have already been doing it.
When I look back on my life I see how each time I trust my intuition and myself, things go well and I feel good - but the times when I follow someone else’s ideas or my insecurities, things don’t go well and I don’t feel good.
Like deciding to work even more closely with my teacher Mada has been amazing for my body and mind and spirit.  Last year around this time, I needed a walker to stand up and walk. Chemo or any other drug would not have helped me with it. In fact it was chemo that triggered the flare-up in my pelvis. Mada helped me discover and heal the underlying fears trapped there (the fear of joy and the fear of surrendering) and now I can easily walk, jump, run, and dance! And I have so much more joy and trust which is so healing. For a while there I didn’t know if I would ever walk again. What a miracle this has been!  And thank you to all of you because you each supported me during that time of chemo.  

3.    Be Happy for me
I have challenges (opportunities to grow), but I remind myself daily of how much CANcer has been an incredible blessing, not a misfortune. It has helped wake up much more of my intuition, and the importance of learning to live my truth and my purpose.


In closing, I’m sharing all this because I think this could make things easier for you too. I hope now you know that you don’t have to worry or carry the pressure of trying to fix or figure anything out, feel sorry for me, or feel helpless/confused. Maybe you can now relax knowing that I’m doing what I need to for my own life. If I need anything I will reach out and ask, and if you respectfully say no, then no worries, I will move on to other options (there are so many options available to me).

Yet the reality is that I will die someday, just like each of you will too. I do what I can but ultimately existence decides how long I’m needed here. Increased acceptance of this comes from the trust I’ve been growing inside. The most important thing to me is that I learn to live & die consciously & trusting existence and trusting my intuition and who I am.

I wrote this email out thoughtfully so that the most important things are covered here with everyone and will endure through time and we don’t need to revisit the same conversations. (you can reread this anytime you need to be reminded).  

I hope this puts you at ease, it certainly has for me. Forgiveness towards others and myself is also part of this email and is healing.

PS. You can replace ‘Existence’ with ‘God’ or ‘Allah’ or ‘Higher Power’ or what you prefer.