Some of you can relate to this. The constant assessing of the mind. How am I doing? Did I do or say that correctly? Is it good enough? The comparing with other people.
Or worrying about what people think. Second-guessing. Doubting. On and on it goes. That’s what mine can sound like. Yours may have its own default trajectory.
This chattering mind has been fading into the background more and more. There is this new feeling of freedom and space coming into my life.
But I’m not always sure what to do with this freedom. So many things I can do, and don’t know which choice to make. So I find myself not doing anything. Because I can’t decide. And then that chattering mind comes back in. The old comes back in because it’s comfortable. This is what I’ve known for so long. Freedom can be uncomfortable. Change can be scary, no matter how positive it is.
I started responding to this indecision anxiety by asking myself, “What in me wants to be lived right now?”
Sometimes my inner voice says, “Go do the laundry.” And though that’s not very interesting, I do it. And in doing it, I feel the energy in my body shift. I might have a spontaneous insight or solution to an issue. Or maybe I just feel more grounded and it feels good to act on something I’d been procrastinating on.
Other times, it says, “Go write that thing you wanted to write about on Facebook, but said No to doing it because you were worried people won’t like it.”
Or, “Tell that person how much you love them,” or “Stop people-pleasing and be honest with others.”
And the outcome of what I do, like if it’s my writing, is not so important. Whether it was good or not isn’t as important as doing it. I lived what wanted to be lived. In doing that, I’m already successful. That’s what really matters to me. If I make a mistake, then it was needed so I could learn something.
At times I have to consciously remind myself about this. Because my mind has been shaped by the world. Programmed by fear and judgment.
I notice that if I’m not connecting with my intuition and letting that guide my energy, my mind will run it for me. I have to teach Spazzy how to relax.
This is the intention I’m inviting:
I want to live in a way in which I am genuinely at peace with myself. I’m going to die at some point, but when that day comes, I don’t want to go with all these unlived experiences and regrets. In the end, I don’t want to look back on my life and suddenly see that I held back so much.
Letting death guide my life. This gives me my anchor, a priceless perspective to carry wherever I go.
PS: I don’t make this feel like a ‘job’ that I ‘have’ to do. I try to be honest with myself. If my intuition asks me to do something and I don’t want to do it, then I acknowledge how I really feel. If I’m honest with my No, then the Yes does eventually come. And when it does come, it’s a genuine full-hearted YES.
Leela Haris - Expanding Consciousness