I've been called weird almost all my life.
Such a sore spot in me anytime someone would say this to me. Ouch.
I reacted by trying to figure out what was weird about me and get rid of it. I wanted to and tried to just fit in...Blend in...Belong. This approach just kept me in the insecurity. And from seeing the truth about why this kept happening.
The truth is people called me this and it hurt...not because it was true, but because I BELIEVED it. It was my own conclusion about myself at a young age when the world outside didn't make any sense to me; It must be me. I’m weird.
When I began exploring and working with the insecurities and beliefs it brought up, most of the charge around the word dissolved.
I don't remember the last time someone called me weird. I don't remember the last time I worried about it. It just stopped happening a while back. Life is so interesting that way!
And it's not because people have such positive opinions of me or that I fit neatly into social situations. It just stopped mattering so much to me.
Sometimes I fit and connect, sometimes I don’t. That’s life. And it’s fine and good. Because we are all unique little universes.
We are all aliens here.
Do you have anything like this? Something that when is said about you just feels very raw and painful? Something that has been going on for a long time? Is it time for you to explore it, to go deeper?.
Feel free to share your insights and your ‘ouch’ place in the comments.
Over the years I've had healers and intuitives approach me to inform me that I'm way too open and that I need boundaries. I’ve been advised to put a protective bubble around myself. I’ve been told to carry certain stones or crystals with me.
I sensed some truth in what they told me. I didn't have boundaries. I wasn’t sure what it even meant to have boundaries. But something about their approach didn't feel quite right. So I didn't take their advice.
But there were moments I was so tempted! Times I was so overwhelmed that I felt suicidal: “How can I ever live like this!?”. I’m grateful the suicidal thoughts and feelings were usually brief and most days weren’t quite THAT hard.
But it was challenging as I navigated daily overwhelm and confusion. I would shut down or erupt in anger as a desperate way to create space. As I’ve done inner work on myself I felt my sensitivity grow stronger and would at times have so much animosity towards it. More sensitivity? Are you kidding me? F*ck off with this empathic crap!
These situations though, ultimately became opportunities for me to transform past wounds and self-limitations.
For example, a few times I felt traumatized by a person’s aggressive and violent sexual desires being projected onto me (not just regular sexual desire). Sorry to be graphic here, but it felt like I was being raped. (energetically). It was awful. But I had to face the fact that, yes although they did have an unconscious sexual aggressiveness in them, there was a lesson in that for me. It brought up deeper layers of my own past sexual trauma that I needed to heal.
Now I am more centered and don't feel as affected by another’s sexual desire. I also don't need to hold back or shrink who I am or my energy out of fear of what it triggers in another.
And if someone is crossing a boundary with me now, if required, I can unleash a primal protective fire so enormous it can shake the entire block and singe your eyebrows off. This isn’t a reactive anger (like I had before), but a natural and healthy instinct.
It doesn't matter how big the person is or how intimidating they behave, I have access to power inside me that doesn't depend on my size or physical strength. I no longer fall easily for intellectual game-playing or passive-aggressive bullying either.
Although getting to this place has taken time, I'm glad the approaches I took part in were about self-awareness, and healing, rather than fuelling, any fear and mistrust. I'm glad I didn't have to shut down my openness to the world and people. That would have been sad. It's part of my joy to be so trusting. To share myself so freely and openly.
I now experience my sensitivity more as the gift it is, and navigate the world with this vibrant inner compass. This gives me a sense of self-reliance and independence.
Many situations I used to drown in I can now confidently swim through.
The feeling of it being a curse had nothing to do with the true essence of being sensitive and empathic, which is actually beautiful and just part of being human. Being a ‘curse’ was a projection of my own unresolved issues. The ‘curse’ moments pushed me to uncover my strength and to use it.
I can't tell you how good it feels to not need to protect my heart or myself. To not need to see myself as so separate from others. To not have to hide and live in fear. I can be free in my innocence and explore and play on this planet. I can use my gifts and power with integrity, all the while still being dedicated to my inner work and the lessons I’m learning.
*Trauma can open us to potent insight and abilities. But we don’t have to stay traumatized or to suffer to have these gifts and abilities. (I'll try to write another piece about why we get attached to pain, I want to give it it's proper nuance).
If you live in Kansas City check out my events to support you to heal your past, release limitations, and connect to your inner compass.
I’m so glad to suddenly feel free in talking about past lives.
I wasn’t really that afraid to. I just didn’t want to seem ungrounded or foofy. I also know that if you haven’t experienced it yourself, how can you relate? Understandably. It may seem like I’m just belonging to an eastern religion or philosophy. Which I don’t. It’s a genuine experience for me. Not much different than working with and healing childhood memories or any other memory.
I didn’t understand either until the memories started coming. They came because I've healed so much pain from this life and from childhood, yet still have struggled with stubborn self-destructive patterns. I wanted to understand why. The memories were the answer to what still needed healing and resolve.
The reason I’m glad to begin speaking about my memories though is because so much of what I understand and want to share comes from my Soul’s history. So I felt limited in speaking to certain issues because how can I explain why I know?
The Christian mindset for example, I get it very deeply. I get how strong the desire is for an outer God figure, I get the comfort and relief of it.
Up till about a year ago when I felt sad and alone, I would secretly comfort myself by listening to christian music and crying.
AND I get the, often intense and debilitating and very real, fear and guilt about the belief there is a God up there judging me and I might be punished for eternity if I sin.
I also know feeling special that I get to go to heaven and feeling secretly superior to those that are going to hell while trying to ‘pray’ for them and do “good”. I get being a missionary for God’s work. I also get feeling betrayed and angry towards this God when I experienced agonizing suffering and he didn’t help or save me like was promised. I get the whole game. Because I played it. For lifetimes.
I also get the ‘God loves you’ and ‘You are Perfect in His Eyes’ as well, the positive Christianity and positive thinking that is attractive to us to counter the negativity and make us feel better. Because the self-judgements and fear are still running deep in the unconscious. I also get the angry atheist, that is reacting, for the same reason.
How can I explain that I understand? I wasn’t raised in it nor did I have much direct exposure in this life. See my dilemma here?
It’s not really about trying to expose or tell anyone how they should live. It’s not about judging anyone either for living out these things.
I’m just finding it harder and harder to hold back these things and not be myself.
I also feel that things are different on this planet right now. Despite the widespread hypnotism and unconsciousness, I’m pretty sure I won’t be killed or destroyed for sharing what I know and who I am.
Also. This time I’m not interested in being a Martyr. I think I learned that lesson.
#TheDalianMethod #HellYeahLetsDoThis #IRemember #ICanHelp
How Dare I…
Share about what’s possible in our human potential. How dare I trust my feeling and intuition over any established system.
How dare I know and speak to the limitations of psychiatry, psychology, and medicine. Even science. Who the hell am I?
I don’t have a PhD. I didn’t even finish college.
How dare I know I’m a Cosmic Being beyond religion or mainstream new age spirituality.
I think about Jesus and other historical figures as if they are my personal friends and guides. I feel my own personal connection to many traditions and paths. How dare I do this without the Bible, the Gita, the Koran, Torah, or any formal holy scripture.
I don’t do hours of research or have statistics or ‘proof’. I don’t even always know what’s going on in pop culture or the news. How dare I not care about proving how smart or right I am.
I see myself as bigger than any race or status or class or nation. I love being a woman and understand the imbalance yet have no interest in gender politics. How dare I see beyond our superficial differences.
How dare I not cater to separation through identity politics.
How dare I see social justice as shallow.
How dare I not volunteer and ‘do good’ and don’t participate in the latest bandwagon causes.
I don’t have a glamorous or impressive lifestyle. (although I’m open to that happening, I want to experience flying first class on a trip and enjoying lots of nice things. That would be so much fun!)
I speak about these things yet still get shaky and uncomfortable speaking to people and a small audience. Yet I love being the center of attention at times and sometimes think how amazing it would be to be on a grand stage speaking to thousands of people. Yay, look at me everyone!
The last presentation I gave was a free public talk. Two people came. I was happy though because without those two people I would have not even gotten to talk.
How dare I confuse you (and myself) by attempting to go beyond the mind. How dare I change my mind and opinions so easily.
How dare I write yet struggle with spelling and grammar (it does bug me though, so if you see mistakes I appreciate it if you tell me, I won’t be offended)
How dare I love laughing and giggling over dirty jokes. I’m still not over how hilarious farts are.
How dare I enjoy my sexuality for its own sake. Without pretense. Without guilt or power games.
How dare I make money off helping others.
How dare I don’t make money off helping others.
How dare I tell you that your darkness is the path to your light.
How dare I claim to understand pain and terror.
How dare I feel brave & determined and terrified & weak at the same time.
How dare I say that it all has a purpose.
I really have no credibility to stand on. Why should anyone listen to or trust me. Especially when I talk about things like past lives and enlightened teachers and higher consciousness. Who am I to even say that enlightenment exists. I’m not enlightened.
For all you know I have a mental disorder and have imagined all of it. Ha, yeah, I used to worry myself.
Regularly feeling profound reverence and bowing to my teacher and all the other advanced or enlightened beings past and present, yet I talk about self-empowerment. How dare I know that they are one and the same for me.
How dare I feel that truth does not require me to be small, falsely humble or to suffer. Truth can find us when we are on top of the world and living the most privileged life imaginable (If you are one of those people, can I come to one of your grand cocktail parties? I’m serious, can I? ? )
Truth can find us in our trauma. Loss. Poverty. In our rage. In our separation.
How dare I know that truth is inside each of us. Just sometimes deeply buried.
Existence has given me life (my parents deserve some credit though). I belong here. I don’t earn credibility or authority from other people or a society built on unconsciousness and control and fear. I am not better or higher than anyone. I am sometimes, or often, more aware. Other times I’m in the presence of someone who is more aware than I. Doing my best to recognize and bow to greater awareness though. Whether it comes through me or another. Or both.
How dare I see how far I can go, how dare I ask questions, most of all how dare I try to wake up and know who I truly am.
I’m pretty much a nobody. Living in the Midwestern U.S. Doing my entry level day job at an office trying to remember what I was supposed to be doing next.
Yet here I am, feeling that anything is possible.
I bet you have a “How Dare I” stream running inside you. Maybe we share some of the same ones? What does yours say? Wanna share some of them with me? I’m curious.
I used to have this armor around me, it was sort of like a rebelliousness.
But it wasn't real.
It was reactionary.
Like the teenager that yells at the authority in their lives:
"You can't control me!"
"You can't tell me what to do!"
But deep down under that act there is a need for love and approval and there is fear. There is wanting freedom but not quite ready or knowing how to take responsibility for it.
There is still thinking the freedom is given to us from outside of ourselves. The teenage rebel is still trying to demand her birthright from outside of her own being.
There is another rebellion, one that feels much more genuine for me. I’ve come to know that this rebellion is often a quiet one. That it's not about looking or acting a part, nothing to do with the idea of a rebel.
It's not necessarily about shouting what we are against or what we don't want.
It's about understanding that there is no true power without vulnerability.
It's not about joining a club or an identity as an outcast or being special just for not fitting it.
It's really about having nothing to prove.
An identity needs to prove something. Or hide from something.
The Soul doesn't follow rules.
The Soul doesn't not follow rules either.
That is how free we are.
So what is the difference between self-love and narcissism?
I see them as existing in different universes, that's how different they are.
Narcissism is superiority. Superiority is based on comparison, competition, and insecurity. It is looking outward for who we are. It is needing to prove something.
It is a temporary compensation for the painful feeling of smallness deep down.
Superiority is there only because somewhere inside there is inferiority. Two sides to the same coin.
We come out of this painful game when we change direction and start looking within to transform the root of what is making us feel small or needing to prove anything.
This is not a “fake it till you make it” kinda thing. Not at all. Do we need yet another facade to hide behind? No, I don’t think so.
The first step is to be honest with ourselves about how we really feel.
It’s tricky because we don’t actually need to be taught how to LOVE ourselves. How to TRUST ourselves. How GOOD we are. How POWERFUL we are. How BIG we are. How MAGICAL we are. (but role models and facilitators are a huge help).
We were born already knowing this.
We just have to UNLEARN what we were taught. We need to see through and undo all the lies. All that we took on during our time here on this planet.
A technique to transform the root of insecurities:
Dalian Method sessions by Lila
Do your own Dalian Method sessions
One day last year I had something come up. Deep Sadness. Lots of tears.
As I wondered what this was about, a thought came,
“The planet is sick and dying and needs our help”
I was surprised. I had no idea I believed this. It was an awful feeling. An awful thought. It brought such a heavy feeling of sadness and dread. I continued to feel all of it and then after a few minutes suddenly the sadness lifted and the tears stopped. I felt calm and still.
Then out of that stillness I felt HER. Our earth. I realized the truth.
That she is not sick and not dying.
Not. at. all.
I felt the true planet, what Earth really is.
That she chooses to allow us to be here, to learn, to evolve. Through all the light and all the dark.
I saw that our planet is not really a victim of us. Not helpless. Not even suffering. If she ever needs saving she knows how to save herself.
I realized that me thinking I needed to help her was like a flea trying to save an elephant. I laughed and I felt the planet laughing at me too, as if to say “See. I don’t need you to save me”
This realization lifted a big weight from me that I didn’t know I was carrying. A sense of peace and trust arose along with so much playfulness and joy.
I still wondered though "Where did that belief came from?".
The next day on my Facebook feed I see a video. I felt immediately compelled to watch it. It was a Native Elder saying that the earth is sick and dying and she needs our help. I didn't save the video, but I remember that his words were either exact or uncannily similar to the belief I had uncovered. That answered my question of where it came from. I have always felt a connection in my heart to the Native American traditions and wisdom.
I must have taken that on and it was circulating in my unconscious.
I hope this lightens you up and shows how important it is to question everything and open to your own direct experience. To touch that place beyond thoughts and emotions (by honoring and feeling them).
Don't even take on what I say. Explore and experience for yourself. Connect with the planet. Or maybe it's more important that you connect with yourself.
So now if I’m ever tired or overwhelmed, I can get barefoot and feel the ground under my feet.
All that energy
All that compassion
All that support.
flows through my body.
A couple of years ago (actually I don’t know when exactly, I’m just guessing) I noticed this growing anxiety whenever a cop car was behind me or near me while driving. This got to the point of being pretty uncomfortable.
So I found a way to calm myself.
I would first check a few things: driving the speed limit...check! got my seat belt on...check! staying in my own lane...check! I would make sure I wasn’t driving like a drunk person (which is funny because I rarely drink alcohol these days). I then would tell myself that they just happened to be behind me and I haven’t done anything wrong, so there's no reason to be nervous. Very logical and rational right? Yeah and it helped me feel calm and sane (in control). So it became my routine.
I did my routine one particular morning on the way to work when a cop car was right behind me. Okay, all good. When I left for my lunch break, it happened again. So yep I did the routine, no problem. But then on the same day on my way home from work, it happened again! What?!? Wait! Okay, hmmm. Life is trying to tell me something here.
This time I did something very different. I instinctively went directly into my body and just felt the sensations. No checklist. No self talk. No plan. No mental process at all. Just pure feeling. I ended up shaking in fear so much I had to stop so I could focus on driving. Wow, I couldn’t believe how strong the panic was!
At home I did a Dalian Method™ healing session on myself. When I followed this thread that began with fear of cops, all kinds of fears surfaced. Much of it related to many types of authority figures, not just the police. I was able to transform so much at the root source. Most of it was childhood memories and thoughts circulating in my unconscious.
Three childhood memories stand out right now from that healing session: In first grade I had an abusive teacher who hit me for not following her directions. Secondly I witnessed police being threatening to others (who to me were innocent and kind people) which scared me at such a young age. Lastly I was affected by hot-tempered adults I grew up around (as children we are so sensitive, we are like sponges for adults’ unresolved emotions).
As I cleared these issues I saw everything with a fresh perspective. I saw that my whole life, that even when I thought I wasn’t intimidated (I would have probably denied it had someone told me I was in fear) I still had a tendency to be submissive around any person I viewed as an authority. I saw how often I made myself small to avoid anger and confrontation. I saw how often I held back when I disagreed with people, I even suppressed mildly differing opinions.
Most importantly, after transforming all that fear and submissiveness, I saw that all this shrinking back was not necessary anymore. My inner child felt free, empowered, and strong. I began to truly see people, regardless of their status, job, or role, as my equal.
Last year (I’m guessing again) I got pulled over by a policeman for expired plates. When I interacted with the officer I felt completely at ease. No tension. No anxiety. I saw him for what he really was. Just another human being. I’m human. He’s human. That was suddenly SO obvious to me. I even calmly corrected him when he got my personal information wrong. He apologized for the mistake.
I never thought I would be so happy getting a ticket! Ha! But I was!
So if I would have just continued to use my routine (my rational mind) to calm myself down I would have missed an opportunity to free myself of a lifelong unconscious pattern.
And this is just the story that wanted to be told. But I have so many more stories of healing like this that began by something that at first seemed like an irrational or illogical reaction in me.
So it’s not always smart to stay rational is it? In fact rational, at times, can be another word for controlled.
Using our thoughts to make ourselves feel better may be understandable and even appropriate at times. But if we haven't yet seen the root of a recurring issue, we are actually just putting a temporary band-aid on the situation, a situation that when explored deeper, in our body and unconscious, can open us up to profound healing.
Do you experience unexplained "irrational" fears or emotions?
For information on a facilitated Dalian Method Session click here
Feel free to contact me with your questions or to schedule a no-pressure consultation chat here
Some of you can relate to this. The constant assessing of the mind. How am I doing? Did I do or say that correctly? Is it good enough? The comparing with other people.
Or worrying about what people think. Second-guessing. Doubting. On and on it goes. That’s what mine can sound like. Yours may have its own default trajectory.
This chattering mind has been fading into the background more and more. There is this new feeling of freedom and space coming into my life.
But I’m not always sure what to do with this freedom. So many things I can do, and don’t know which choice to make. So I find myself not doing anything. Because I can’t decide. And then that chattering mind comes back in. The old comes back in because it’s comfortable. This is what I’ve known for so long. Freedom can be uncomfortable. Change can be scary, no matter how positive it is.
I started responding to this indecision anxiety by asking myself, “What in me wants to be lived right now?”
Sometimes my inner voice says, “Go do the laundry.” And though that’s not very interesting, I do it. And in doing it, I feel the energy in my body shift. I might have a spontaneous insight or solution to an issue. Or maybe I just feel more grounded and it feels good to act on something I’d been procrastinating on.
Other times, it says, “Go write that thing you wanted to write about on Facebook, but said No to doing it because you were worried people won’t like it.”
Or, “Tell that person how much you love them,” or “Stop people-pleasing and be honest with others.”
And the outcome of what I do, like if it’s my writing, is not so important. Whether it was good or not isn’t as important as doing it. I lived what wanted to be lived. In doing that, I’m already successful. That’s what really matters to me. If I make a mistake, then it was needed so I could learn something.
At times I have to consciously remind myself about this. Because my mind has been shaped by the world. Programmed by fear and judgment.
I notice that if I’m not connecting with my intuition and letting that guide my energy, my mind will run it for me. I have to teach Spazzy how to relax.
This is the intention I’m inviting:
I want to live in a way in which I am genuinely at peace with myself. I’m going to die at some point, but when that day comes, I don’t want to go with all these unlived experiences and regrets. In the end, I don’t want to look back on my life and suddenly see that I held back so much.
Letting death guide my life. This gives me my anchor, a priceless perspective to carry wherever I go.
PS: I don’t make this feel like a ‘job’ that I ‘have’ to do. I try to be honest with myself. If my intuition asks me to do something and I don’t want to do it, then I acknowledge how I really feel. If I’m honest with my No, then the Yes does eventually come. And when it does come, it’s a genuine full-hearted YES.
I’ve been noticing in some people who even though they have no interest in this whole inner work stuff, they will actually light up when speaking about a dream they’ve had.
It’s really cool to see that.
They wonder what the dream means. What it symbolizes. And sometimes they will even open up about their inner world when they normally wouldn’t.
The dream becomes an opening. A safe way to take a closer look.
Yet most of us don’t seem to look at our daily life that same way.
Probably because we are so close and get attached to it all. Probably because we have been conditioned to look at ourselves and our life as something to control and judge. This is bad. This is good. Fix the bad, get more good.
Sometimes life is painful and we don’t want to look at it or feel it.
Many, if not most of us, learned to trade some of the magical wonder for survival.
And maybe we learned that mystery is not to be tolerated.
So for some people, for just a little while, their dream becomes a time when they allow magic and mystery. Even if they deny it in their everyday reality, they will admit that there is magic in their dreams. There is an adventure there. There is a message to be uncovered.
And it’s perfectly tailored.
Just. for. them.
They will take a brief break from their insistence on cold hard facts.
They may temporarily forget their whole “if it can’t be proven then it doesn’t exist” attitude.
They relax their version of static reality and absolute truth and culturally shaped views.
A little more open to exploring, less rushing to be right.
Slightly less afraid of the airy fairy stuff.
Their guard comes down just a bit and they sparkle for just a little while.
This sense of magic and mystery is our lives. We have just forgotten that life is made of magic. We have forgotten that we are made of magic.
Even though on the surface the stuff happening in our life may seem like isolated and unrelated occurrences. Even though they may not seem all that meaningful. They are. They are part of a big picture.
It’s all connected. It’s all meaningful.
Just like in dreams. Nothing is ever really a mistake or an accident.
Our challenges and difficulties are meant to take us on an adventure. Joy, pain, ups and downs, trueness and falseness, they are part of the adventure of being alive.
Where even the nightmare can have an enchantment about it.
Deep down we all know this. Under the veil created from our beliefs, attachments, and wounds.
Under the veil imposed on us from a society rooted in forgetfulness.
Life is on our side. Always sending us messages and trying to help us.
So then is your so-called waking reality that different from the dreams you have when sleeping?
Look UNDER the surface and see!
Leela Haris ~ E x p a n d i n g Consciousness