I dedicated my life to only one thing.

Learning to die consciously.

As a young adult I gladly and with great relief left the world and joined a group of monks in a simple small remote village. A village isolated and far removed from the activity of the world. I spent the rest of my days meditating and listening to and trying to understand the teachings of the Buddha and the wisdom of my Lama (teacher and spiritual guide in Buddhism). I tried very hard to learn how to die consciously. It was the only goal I had. Nothing else mattered to me. Why would it? The world as the scriptures taught me, is just an illusion.

There was never any doubt that I was doing the right thing. I studied and followed the teachings carefully and seriously.

I meditated, fasted, took part in ceremonies, memorized, chanted, and prayed faithfully, and performed good deeds which I believed would clear past karmas.

I never let myself be angry or even think of harm towards another living being.

Anything my teacher asked of me I never hesitated. I was happy to be his student, in the presence of and in service to such a great sage.

I did everything the 'right' way. I was convinced I was giving myself the best chance of dying a conscious death and then I would free myself permanently from the suffering of life and death.

All those other people who were out there in the world having relationships, families, and trying hard at their jobs; I thought they were all lost. Can’t they see that everything they are doing and trying to create is temporary? We will all die anyway, why waste time on anything to do with the world of illusion?

I was glad not to take part in all that illusory and superficial activity.

I was a seeker.

I was confident I had found the right path.

I stayed steady and unwavering on this path all the way into old age.

Then the day came.

Death came for me.

As I was being pulled away from my body I experienced only terror and could not stay conscious. I was shocked at my own fear and weakness. I couldn’t believe I spent all my life preparing for this moment and yet I failed so miserably.

I concluded from this that it was because I’m weak and a failure and carried these beliefs along with the pain and disappointment for many lifetimes.

Several years ago, I relived the memory of that life and I released the beliefs and pain.

Then I understood the real reason why I, as that dedicated monk, experienced such terror and could not stay conscious.

I saw it all clearly.

I had died afraid because I lived afraid

I saw all the things I had been running from.

Being a monk in that remote community meant I did not have to face responsibility for my own survival. Someone else would take care of me. Someone else would tell me how to live. I didn’t have to make difficult decisions. I didn’t have to think of things like my body, or money, or people, or my desires. I didn’t have to feel too happy or too hurt or too anything.

My monk self thought of himself as unattached.

But the truth was that I was deeply attached. I was attached to material things, to money to pleasure, to people. The world. To many things.

That is why I felt I had to run away from it all.

That is why I separated myself.

That is why I studied so hard and memorized the teachings.

But I had never truly discovered what the teachings were about. I believed in them strongly, but this only meant I carried them and clung to them as ideas. They actually became barriers, since I thought I knew something that I didn’t truly know.

I didn’t realize that being in the presence of a great teacher and hearing or reading wisdom was not enough. Not near enough. I had to learn what they meant, I had to realize wisdom through experience. Not my teacher’s experience. MY experience.

I would have had to live.

Be in the world and live.

This would have meant facing the complexities and difficulties of life. Things like money and my mixed emotions about it. I would have to fall in love and risk my heart being broken. I would have to experience failure. I would have to experience success and then inevitably see it pass. See the suffering, violence, and unrest in the world. See it in me.

This time around the priority of the inward seeking guides me on how to see the opportunities in what the monk saw as “just illusion”.

So many lessons to learn and grow from. So many fears to walk through and vulnerabilities to embrace.

Now when I think of that lifetime, I feel a sense of gratitude for the challenges life brings me in my day-to-day current life.

Yet also, so so much goodness too, so many discoveries and gifts to enjoy, and share.

So much LIFE to live.

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Would you like to discover your soul history?
Work with the Dalian Method on your own.
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Recently I was missing a man I’ve been experiencing a deep connection with. In particular, I felt this longing to feel his physical body close and to feel his arms around me firmly. To feel our skin touch.

As I was feeling this I started to wonder if or how I could give what I longed for - to myself. I felt a curiosity about what can be possible if I explored this.

I then, without thinking, walked into my bedroom and removed all my clothes, and laid down on my back on my soft bed. I ran my hands through my hair and spread it around me. I began touching the sides of my face and then moved my hand gently across my shoulders and chest.

I said out loud “I love you Leela”. I kept saying this as I moved both hands over more areas of my body. I wanted to attend to all of me.

“I love you Leela” out loud, over and over. I began feeling more warmth inside.
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Initially, some thoughts floated through my mind saying “This is not as good as being loved by him” and “This is silly, it won’t do anything”.

But I kept going and more energy moved sweetly through my body with subtle electricity. This felt intimate and I felt turned on but in a way of just feeling more alive, not strongly sexual (at least not in the sense of how we usually think of ‘sexual’).

Then there was a moment where the “I love you Leela” was no longer feeling like just me saying this. It seemed to be coming from beyond me, that it was the universe saying “I love you Leela”. My energy began expanding and my body felt lightweight.

Lately, I have been so drawn to being around and connecting to men. I’ve been loving and desiring the feeling of masculine energy (and in women that have that too). This is from wanting to feel contained.

As I have been opening my heart more and becoming much more vulnerable (sometimes fear, pain, or discomfort comes) - I have been awed at the support that shows up. So many times someone responds to me with exquisite kindness and care or wisdom or I hear something or read something that is exactly what I need in that moment.

So back to loving myself - as my hands moved down my body while feeling the universe tell me it loves me, it felt especially good to feel my hands caress down my legs and the best part was pressing the palm of my hand against the bottom of my foot and hearing “I love you Leela”. I then felt more contained.

It was nice being made love to like this from myself and the universe, to feel that quiet bigness of love all around me and inside me. To dissolve some of that feeling of being separate from life.

*** One way I would describe what feeling contained means: Have you ever walked and was unsure of where the ground is under your feet? That feeling of being wobbly and unsure and that you might fall at any moment? Feeling contained for me is the opposite of that - a feeling of the ground being very there, very strong and solid as it lovingly meets my feet.

​Have you done anything kind for yourself lately? I would love to receive it in the comments. Nakedness not required :)

My father had a brief stay in the hospital once (it turned out to be nothing serious).
 
Several of us were visiting and had gathered around him as he rested in his hospital bed. He and my young nephew were hungry so someone brought some burgers and fries.
 
While eating my father offered my little nephew one of his fries. My nephew instinctively and gleefully took it and gobbled it up.
 
My nephew's father (my brother), alarmed at this, said to him:

“No No, don't take grandpa's food. You have your own."

Even though he was just simply accepting a gift that was joyfully & freely offered to him.
 
A few moments later, ignoring my brother's lecture, grandpa offers him another fry.
 
This time my nephew raises his hand and waves it in objection and says "no, I can't take it".
 
My brother beamed in pride at seeing this and there was a moment of admiration in the room about how kind and good my nephew is.
 
But as I watched this unfold I knew my little innocent nephew wasn't truly BEING kind, he was following the orders he was given for how to behave. It wasn't coming from his heart's truth.
 
He wanted the fry but learned in that moment how to act differently.
 
This is how most of our human population is. We experience many moments like my nephew that shape us to act a certain way. With time we start to believe the act is who we are.
 
We then expect and ask others to act accordingly too.
 
Many are also like my brother, trying to raise a good child. Maybe even a good christian who believes in and follows god. They want their children to be a force of something good and an example of what they believe is right. Perhaps also wanting them to get to heaven someday.
 
But in our programmed  "good behavior", in our false humbleness and "niceness", we are far from our innate goodness, God is farthest from us in those times. Because God is what we are, when we are BEING what we are.
 
I have been where my nephew is, trying to survive in this upside-down world. I have been the others in the room admiring "how sweet he is" and I have so often been my brother, passing down my belief & control patterns to vulnerable ones.
 
But....
 
GOD was already there, saying YES to the french fry.
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​On the periphery we each have our stories, diverse experiences, and unique way of being in the world.
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At our core, in our center, is something beyond our personal identity.

This is the only place where I’ve glimpsed true equality and unity.

This place is also sometimes called the zero-point. Where nothing is happening and yet all is possible.

It’s peaceful, restful, clarifying, and nourishing. It’s also where empathy arises from.

I sense that this core center in us, is also the center of the entire universe.

Many of the messages of equality or unity say that we have to make it happen somewhere 'out there'. You have to behave this or that way. You can say this, but you can’t say that. You have to fix this or that problem in the system and to do that you have to be this or that way.

But it’s often only about the periphery.

Trying to change just our periphery, we can end up compromising our unique way of being.
Our unique way of being is the path to the center.

I’ve lived the first 35 years of my life trying to change or fix the periphery. I didn’t know there was anything else to who I was or to life. I didn’t know because I was living in survival mode.

This shift from survival surface living to more expansive living is in some ways like going from a heavy, colorless, one-dimensional, and hostile world to living in a place that is often vibrant, multi-dimensional, spontaneous, and full of wonder. Not always, but often.

If I would have read my own words 10 years ago this would go right over my head. It needs to come from experience. But the words are there to help encourage and validate the experience.
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Recently I was struggling with my mind and was experiencing exhaustion. I could barely focus on anything longer than a few minutes and the exhaustion felt deep and existential. 

My thoughts were around how it's all so meaningless. I'm too tired to care. What's the point? It's all so meaningless. So much suffering (mine and others). So many lifetimes of seeking, of trying and what has it done? Nothing. I have nothing to show for any of it.

I'm used to going through darkness and rough patches and ups and downs (it's natural for all of us sincere seekers at different phases. The light gets lighter but the dark also gets darker).

But this time I thought I'd share since we are going through what I see as an unprecedented shift and time on this planet. In case it is of help to anyone.

But more than the difficulties, I want to also share the awareness that came to me this morning after my relentless mind finally surrendered it's need to know and be in control.

Out of the peaceful void I was resting in, this understanding came to me:

There is no controlling what is happening on this planet.

The dark will do what it does. The light will do what it does.

Our true being is beyond all of it. Humans are no longer in control over this planet. This is a good thing, existence is doing what needs to be done.

What is happening is not just beyond our control, it's also beyond our human comprehension. We can know bits and pieces. That's all. That's enough. 

Certainty is an illusion, we never had it but are now much more aware of it. This is bringing up a lot of pain and suffering. But the suffering has always been there. We were more able to avoid this through having our identity and sense of self-centered importance be constantly affirmed through our busyness and attachments. This is all being exposed as false. 

It's painful.

Nothing and no one outside of our mind is the real cause of our pain.

We can care for our well-being and for our loved ones. But we cannot choose who will stay and who will go. It's the choice of each Soul. 

We are losing our identity as humans and joining the rest of the universe. The only way out is to transform the layers of separateness created by our ego and re-join the universe.

We are so much more than human, we are cosmic beings. ❤️

WEIRD

This word.

I've been called weird almost all my life.

Such a sore spot in me anytime someone would say this to me. Ouch.

I reacted by trying to figure out what was weird about me and get rid of it. I wanted to and tried to just fit in...Blend in...Belong. This approach just kept me in the insecurity. And from seeing the truth about why this kept happening.

The truth is people called me this and it hurt...not because it was true, but because I BELIEVED it. It was my own conclusion about myself at a young age when the world outside didn't make any sense to me; It must be me. I’m weird.

When I began exploring and working with the insecurities and beliefs it brought up, most of the charge around the word dissolved.

I don't remember the last time someone called me weird. I don't remember the last time I worried about it. It just stopped happening a while back. Life is so interesting that way!

And it's not because people have such positive opinions of me or that I fit neatly into social situations. It just stopped mattering so much to me.

Sometimes I fit and connect, sometimes I don’t. That’s life. And it’s fine and good. Because we are all unique little universes.

We are all aliens here.
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Do you have anything like this? Something that when is said about you just feels very raw and painful? Something that has been going on for a long time? Is it time for you to explore it, to go deeper?.

Feel free to share your insights and your ‘ouch’ place in the comments.

Over the years I've had healers and intuitives approach me to inform me that I'm way too open and that I need boundaries. I’ve been advised to put a protective bubble around myself. I’ve been told to carry certain stones or crystals with me.

I sensed some truth in what they told me. I didn't have boundaries.  I wasn’t sure what it even meant to have boundaries. But something about their approach didn't feel quite right. So I didn't take their advice.

But there were moments I was so tempted! Times I was so overwhelmed that I felt suicidal: “How can I ever live like this!?”. I’m grateful the suicidal thoughts and feelings were usually brief and most days weren’t quite THAT hard.

But it was challenging as I navigated daily overwhelm and confusion. I would shut down or erupt in anger as a desperate way to create space. As I’ve done inner work on myself I felt my sensitivity grow stronger and would at times have so much animosity towards it. More sensitivity? Are you kidding me? F*ck off with this empathic crap!

These situations though, ultimately became opportunities for me to transform past wounds and self-limitations.
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For example, a few times I felt traumatized by a person’s aggressive and violent sexual desires being projected onto me (not just regular sexual desire). Sorry to be graphic here, but it felt like I was being raped. (energetically). It was awful. But I had to face the fact that, yes although they did have an unconscious sexual aggressiveness in them, there was a lesson in that for me. It brought up deeper layers of my own past sexual trauma that I needed to heal.

Now I am more centered and don't feel as affected by another’s sexual desire. I also don't need to hold back or shrink who I am or my energy out of fear of what it triggers in another.

And if someone is crossing a boundary with me now, if required, I can unleash a primal protective fire so enormous it can shake the entire block and singe your eyebrows off. This isn’t a reactive anger (like I had before), but a natural and healthy instinct.

It doesn't matter how big the person is or how intimidating they behave, I have access to power inside me that doesn't depend on my size or physical strength. I no longer fall easily for intellectual game-playing or passive-aggressive bullying either.

Although getting to this place has taken time, I'm glad the approaches I took part in were about self-awareness, and healing, rather than fuelling, any fear and mistrust. I'm glad I didn't have to shut down my openness to the world and people. That would have been sad. It's part of my joy to be so trusting. To share myself so freely and openly.

I now experience my sensitivity more as the gift it is, and navigate the world with this vibrant inner compass. This gives me a sense of self-reliance and independence.

Many situations I used to drown in I can now confidently swim through.

The feeling of it being a curse had nothing to do with the true essence of being sensitive and empathic, which is actually beautiful and just part of being human. Being a ‘curse’ was a projection of my own unresolved issues. The ‘curse’ moments pushed me to uncover my strength and to use it.

I can't tell you how good it feels to not need to protect my heart or myself. To not need to see myself as so separate from others. To not have to hide and live in fear. I can be free in my innocence and explore and play on this planet. I can use my gifts and power with integrity, all the while still being dedicated to my inner work and the lessons I’m learning.
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If you live in Kansas City check out my events to support you to heal your past, release limitations, and connect to your inner compass.

I’m so glad to suddenly feel free in talking about past lives.

I wasn’t really that afraid to. I just didn’t want to seem ungrounded or foofy. I also know that if you haven’t experienced it yourself, how can you relate? Understandably. It may seem like I’m just belonging to an eastern religion or philosophy. Which I don’t. It’s a genuine experience for me. Not much different than working with and healing childhood memories or any other memory.

I didn’t understand either until the memories started coming. They came because I've healed so much pain from this life and from childhood, yet still have struggled with stubborn self-destructive patterns. I wanted to understand why. The memories were the answer to what still needed healing and resolve. 

The reason I’m glad to begin speaking about my memories though is because so much of what I understand and want to share comes from my Soul’s history. So I felt limited in speaking to certain issues because how can I explain why I know?

The Christian mindset for example, I get it very deeply. I get how strong the desire is for an outer God figure, I get the comfort and relief of it.

Up till about a year ago when I felt sad and alone, I would secretly comfort myself by listening to christian music and crying.

AND I get the, often intense and debilitating and very real, fear and guilt about the belief there is a God up there judging me and I might be punished for eternity if I sin.

I also know feeling special that I get to go to heaven and feeling secretly superior to those that are going to hell while trying to ‘pray’ for them and do “good”. I get being a missionary for God’s work. I also get feeling betrayed and angry towards this God when I experienced agonizing suffering and he didn’t help or save me like was promised.  I get the whole game. Because I played it. For lifetimes.

I also get the ‘God loves you’ and ‘You are Perfect in His Eyes’ as well, the positive Christianity and positive thinking that is attractive to us to counter the negativity and make us feel better. Because the self-judgements and fear are still running deep in the unconscious. I also get the angry atheist, that is reacting, for the same reason.  

How can I explain that I understand? I wasn’t raised in it nor did I have much direct exposure in this life. See my dilemma here?

It’s not really about trying to expose or tell anyone how they should live. It’s not about judging anyone either for living out these things.

I’m just finding it harder and harder to hold back these things and not be myself.

I also feel that things are different on this planet right now. Despite the widespread hypnotism and unconsciousness, I’m pretty sure I won’t be killed or destroyed for sharing what I know and who I am.

Also. This time I’m not interested in being a Martyr. I think I learned that lesson.

#TheDalianMethod  #HellYeahLetsDoThis #IRemember #ICanHelp

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How Dare I…

Share about what’s possible in our human potential. How dare I trust my feeling and intuition over any established system.

How dare I know and speak to the limitations of psychiatry, psychology, and medicine. Even science. Who the hell am I?

I don’t have a PhD. I didn’t even finish college.

How dare I know I’m a Cosmic Being beyond religion or mainstream new age spirituality.

I think about Jesus and other historical figures as if they are my personal friends and guides. I feel my own personal connection to many traditions and paths. How dare I do this without the Bible, the Gita, the Koran, Torah, or any formal holy scripture.

I don’t do hours of research or have statistics or ‘proof’. I don’t even always know what’s going on in pop culture or the news. How dare I not care about proving how smart or right I am.

I see myself as bigger than any race or status or class or nation. I love being a woman and understand the imbalance yet have no interest in gender politics. How dare I see beyond our superficial differences.

How dare I not cater to separation through identity politics.

How dare I see social justice as shallow.

How dare I not volunteer and ‘do good’ and don’t participate in the latest bandwagon causes.

I don’t have a glamorous or impressive lifestyle. (although I’m open to that happening, I want to experience flying first class on a trip and enjoying lots of nice things. That would be so much fun!)

I speak about these things yet still get shaky and uncomfortable speaking to people and a small audience. Yet I love being the center of attention at times and sometimes think how amazing it would be to be on a grand stage speaking to thousands of people. Yay, look at me everyone!

The last presentation I gave was a free public talk. Two people came. I was happy though because without those two people I would have not even gotten to talk.

How dare I confuse you (and myself) by attempting to go beyond the mind. How dare I change my mind and opinions so easily.

How dare I write yet struggle with spelling and grammar (it does bug me though, so if you see mistakes I appreciate it if you tell me, I won’t be offended)

How dare I love laughing and giggling over dirty jokes. I’m still not over how hilarious farts are.

How dare I enjoy my sexuality for its own sake. Without pretense. Without guilt or power games.

How dare I make money off helping others.

How dare I don’t make money off helping others.

How dare I tell you that your darkness is the path to your light.

How dare I claim to understand pain and terror.

How dare I feel brave & determined and terrified & weak at the same time.

How dare I say that it all has a purpose.

I really have no credibility to stand on. Why should anyone listen to or trust me. Especially when I talk about things like past lives and enlightened teachers and higher consciousness. Who am I to even say that enlightenment exists. I’m not enlightened.

For all you know I have a mental disorder and have imagined all of it. Ha, yeah, I used to worry myself.

Regularly feeling profound reverence and bowing to my teacher and all the other advanced or enlightened beings past and present, yet I talk about self-empowerment. How dare I know that they are one and the same for me.

How dare I feel that truth does not require me to be small, falsely humble or to suffer. Truth can find us when we are on top of the world and living the most privileged life imaginable (If you are one of those people, can I come to one of your grand cocktail parties? I’m serious, can I? ? )

Truth can find us in our trauma. Loss. Poverty. In our rage. In our separation.

How dare I know that truth is inside each of us. Just sometimes deeply buried.

Existence has given me life (my parents deserve some credit though). I belong here. I don’t earn credibility or authority from other people or a society built on unconsciousness and control and fear. I am not better or higher than anyone. I am sometimes, or often, more aware. Other times I’m in the presence of someone who is more aware than I. Doing my best to recognize and bow to greater awareness though. Whether it comes through me or another. Or both.

How dare I see how far I can go, how dare I ask questions, most of all how dare I try to wake up and know who I truly am.

I’m pretty much a nobody. Living in the Midwestern U.S. Doing my entry level day job at an office trying to remember what I was supposed to be doing next.

Yet here I am, feeling that anything is possible.

I bet you have a “How Dare I” stream running inside you. Maybe we share some of the same ones? What does yours say? Wanna share some of them with me? I’m curious.

I used to have this armor around me, it was sort of like a rebelliousness.

But it wasn't real.

It was reactionary.

Like the teenager that yells at the authority in their lives:
"You can't control me!"
"You can't tell me what to do!"

But deep down under that act there is a need for love and approval and there is fear. There is wanting freedom but not quite ready or knowing how to take responsibility for it.

There is still thinking the freedom is given to us from outside of ourselves. The teenage rebel is still trying to demand her birthright from outside of her own being.

There is another rebellion, one that feels much more genuine for me. I’ve come to know that this rebellion is often a quiet one. That it's not about looking or acting a part, nothing to do with the idea of a rebel.

It's not necessarily about shouting what we are against or what we don't want.

It's about understanding that there is no true power without vulnerability.

It's not about joining a club or an identity as an outcast or being special just for not fitting it.

It's really about having nothing to prove.

An identity needs to prove something. Or hide from something.

The Soul doesn't follow rules.

The Soul doesn't not follow rules either.

That is how free we are.