Recently I was missing a man I’ve been experiencing a deep connection with. In particular, I felt this longing to feel his physical body close and to feel his arms around me firmly. To feel our skin touch.
As I was feeling this I started to wonder if or how I could give what I longed for - to myself. I felt a curiosity about what can be possible if I explored this.
I then, without thinking, walked into my bedroom and removed all my clothes, and laid down on my back on my soft bed. I ran my hands through my hair and spread it around me. I began touching the sides of my face and then moved my hand gently across my shoulders and chest.
I said out loud “I love you Leela”. I kept saying this as I moved both hands over more areas of my body. I wanted to attend to all of me.
“I love you Leela” out loud, over and over. I began feeling more warmth inside.
Initially, some thoughts floated through my mind saying “This is not as good as being loved by him” and “This is silly, it won’t do anything”.
But I kept going and more energy moved sweetly through my body with subtle electricity. This felt intimate and I felt turned on but in a way of just feeling more alive, not strongly sexual (at least not in the sense of how we usually think of ‘sexual’).
Then there was a moment where the “I love you Leela” was no longer feeling like just me saying this. It seemed to be coming from beyond me, that it was the universe saying “I love you Leela”. My energy began expanding and my body felt lightweight.
Lately, I have been so drawn to being around and connecting to men. I’ve been loving and desiring the feeling of masculine energy (and in women that have that too). This is from wanting to feel contained.
As I have been opening my heart more and becoming much more vulnerable (sometimes fear, pain, or discomfort comes) - I have been awed at the support that shows up. So many times someone responds to me with exquisite kindness and care or wisdom or I hear something or read something that is exactly what I need in that moment.
So back to loving myself - as my hands moved down my body while feeling the universe tell me it loves me, it felt especially good to feel my hands caress down my legs and the best part was pressing the palm of my hand against the bottom of my foot and hearing “I love you Leela”. I then felt more contained.
It was nice being made love to like this from myself and the universe, to feel that quiet bigness of love all around me and inside me. To dissolve some of that feeling of being separate from life.
*** One way I would describe what feeling contained means: Have you ever walked and was unsure of where the ground is under your feet? That feeling of being wobbly and unsure and that you might fall at any moment? Feeling contained for me is the opposite of that - a feeling of the ground being very there, very strong and solid as it lovingly meets my feet.
Have you done anything kind for yourself lately? I would love to receive it in the comments. Nakedness not required :)
I’ve always had this gift (curse?) of making something small and enlarging it, expanding on it, embellishing it. Stretching it for miles and miles.
I did this with situations that were painful for me. Creating all kinds of fear scenarios. All kinds of stories. Rolling them around in my fearful worried head. Hanging onto it for as long as I can.
What used to seem like a bad habit, I’ve made it into a gift now. I’m now making mountains out of what feels good. Taking tiny beautiful moments and pulling whole universes out of them.
The way the air feels on my skin. The feeling of the floor I’m sitting on as I write this. How it feels to hold the pen I’m writing with. The textural sounds that silence makes. The sound of the heated air coming out of the vents. When I wash dishes, the texture of the plate, the way the water caresses my hand.
I collect these moments. As if they are shiny gold pieces and the brightest ruby and shimmering emerald stones. Treasures often found after digging through the mud.
And. The more ordinary the better.
And it’s not some grandiose noble idea on how present I'm being. It’s just noticing that some things feel really good. If I let them. If I give myself permission to indulge it as much as I want.
Letting myself swim in it.
Letting life in.
It’s all so incredibly alive. So much so, that sometimes I wonder if anyone has ever exploded from the hugeness of it all.
And the world... well so much is happening isn’t it? But I keep coming back. Back to *here*.
I’m sharing this especially for those of you who have a sense that you are here to help. How easy it is to confuse helping with carrying the world on our shoulders. Taking on the suffering of others.
But really, it’s only you that you need to save. In that saving you recover your true self. And in letting yourself be alive as who you are, it creates powerful ripples. Those ripples travel to the places they are most needed.
And without our effort they do exactly what needs to be done.
To me this is what it means to be of service. Being in service to our aliveness. Do you feel it? How the world is just aching for aliveness?
Every moment you gift yourself soulful pleasure, you gift it to the entire planet. Yes, all of humanity but also our beloved Earth herself.
In my personal connection with our momma Earth I've noticed she doesn’t seem to care so much about my carbon footprint or joining a cause in her name. She is not interested in being saved.
In my ecstasy I can even hear her sigh sometimes… as if to say “Ah yes, that! right there! yes, thank you!”.
So you see? Our work doesn't always have to feel like work. We are just growing our beautiful inner swirly and pulsing light and allowing it to shine itself brightly.
Yours in shiny ecstatic light,
PS. This opening to ecstatic feel goodness, yes it also can bring moments of agony as well. We start feeling the entire spectrum of our inner landscape. The agony has its own uncomfortable and strange richness and beauty. I wrote about the relationship between Agony and Ecstasy here
It’s February, the month of Love. It's another excuse to turn up the heat on your Inner Flame. Drenching each cell in your body with ruby red, juicy, and luscious love.
Even when you are howling from that deep bottomless ache inside of you. Even when life feels impossibly hard and there is pain and fear. Are you willing to open to the possibility of embodied pleasure and love? Even if it just means letting yourself feel the coziness and softness of the bed covers you are hiding under. Or smelling your favorite oil or perfume and noticing how sensual and yummy it makes you feel. Letting that in. For even just a moment.
Next time you are in front of a mirror look into your own eyes and say “I love you”. Not as an affirmation or mantra to repeat. But to experience being told you are loved by someone who looks
Watch what happens inside of you as you do this. Can you let this love in and fill you up? Or do you feel uncomfortable? Is there a voice saying you are not lovable in some way?
It doesn’t matter who you are, what you have done, what has been done to you. No matter how old you are, what you look like, and what your job, financial, and relationship status is like. No matter what other people think of you. You ALWAYS deserve to find your way back to love.
It doesn’t have to be the mirror exercise, it could be anything. The possibilities are endless. Sometimes it takes feeling around that hard brick wall for quite a while to find the opening, the sweet spot. The place where life can enter us again.
Sometimes that feeling around and being lost seems wasteful but it’s not. It’s fruitful. There is a certain creativity and wisdom that grow underground during times of frozen heaviness and being lost. If there is some part of you, maybe a very subtle still voice inside you, that knows you don’t need to struggle with or fix anything... A subtle Soul Sense that it’s all okay. Yes. Trust that voice. Trust your trust.
One second of sweetness that you give yourself can open you up tremendously. And the fact that you did that for yourself, that you allowed yourself to enjoy and be loved. The great thing about doing this is that you can then spend the rest of the day feeling so proud of yourself. “Wow I did that!” “I did that for myself!”. Go ahead and milk it.
You can have all sorts of issues and wounds and although you cannot always change what is showing up, YOU can show up. A moment here and a moment there, they add up. You can be the loving container for it all. The loving container doesn’t need to change it’s contents.. it just holds it all. With Love. Acceptance. Spaciousness.
All the things that you are doing so you can relax. Working on those accomplishments so you can feel a sense of completeness and worthiness. Working hard on a relationship so you can experience love and connection and belonging. Why not try cutting out the middle man and go ahead and give yourself what you are actually, deep down, trying to get to? (I hope a light bulb went on when you read that, but if not now, don’t worry it will eventually)
I know that in the middle of fear it’s so tempting to grab the fixing and get to work with your strategies. Yet consider that your life and all that comes is a mystery to be unlocked rather than a wrong to be righted. If we rush to fix something before we unlock the mystery that is asking to be revealed we miss an opportunity for beautiful self-discovery and magic.
So, go ahead, drop everything for a few seconds (or hours, days, a lifetime) and take a LOVE bath. You never need a reason..or permission. But I'm giving it to you anyways.
Time-Travel Side Note: Maybe someday, when we are 90 years old we will talk about the time when we started a revolution in our hearts. and even though we had no idea that it would be so challenging..
It was worth every moment. Because we and the planet are made of more love now.
All because we dared to follow the invisible thread.
Leela Haris - Expanding Consciousness