Feelings of anger and frustration came up for me this week. Yet also heaviness and resistance at the thought of facing and exploring these feelings. The anger and frustration was triggered by recent world and U.S. events. Ugh, it’s too much, I just wanted to numb it all and go to sleep. But I knew I needed to work with these feelings. I started expressing it and the feelings of anger and frustration grew stronger and just kept coming, over and over. It felt endless as I traveled through this anger. I kept saying “I hate this situation!” and “I hate being here!”. Resistance and tiredness still in my body as I traveled back through many lifetimes. I felt acute frustration with this f***ing broken-record of experience on this planet: The same manipulation, the same darkness, the same hypnosis that uses fear to control people. At times I would break into tears of sadness and helplessness. I kept going knowing I was releasing all this from the cells in my body. I needed to express for all the times I felt these things but pushed it down. Some of the anger was at myself from participating in this darkness. Some of it was from being forced to censor myself. At other times anger at being severely punished for standing out. Further memories came at being publicly punished and humiliated and used as an example to instill fear in others. GRRRRR. It felt like this primal Tiger in me that just kept growling, and roaring, and wanting to rip everything up! But then a deeper experience of this primal energy came and this part did not feel like a wound. I was now accessing tremendous power. This anger was proof that I am alive. Proof that I know what doesn’t feel right. Proof that I know the difference between a lie and the truth. The tiredness and heaviness was released and I felt energized and awake. Then this primal power roar shifted again and became even bigger. Now it was like tidal waves moving through me! I allowed it to flow and it felt like a delicious and loving fire burning through and lighting up my body. Yet it also extended far beyond my body and personal self. I then realized something: This is not mine. This is the collective. But then the question came to me: Why do I need to feel and know about this collective expression of anger and power? What’s the point? The answer: To voice and share it. Many may be feeling this but stuffing it down, misunderstanding it, moralizing it and judging it. So that is why I am to share this. But then more came. An incredible vision. It filled me with awe and tears of joy started to flow. I saw the masses in unison saying “NO MORE”. All of humanity raising our fists in the air. This powerful collective energy surged through all beings and the entire planet. This powerful “NO MORE” did not feel violent, it did not feel thirsty for revenge, it did not feel divisive, projective or harmful. It felt AMAZING! It felt like LIFE. It felt like OUR HEARTS It felt like OUR POWER It felt like OUR LOVE It felt like all of us being vehicles for LIGHT The light in us seemed to me to be saying: WE ARE DONE NOW WITH THIS WE ARE DONE WITH YOUR ENDLESS WARS. WE ARE DONE FIGHTING AMONGST EACH OTHER. WE ARE DONE COMPETING WITH EACH OTHER. WE ARE DONE HARMING EACH OTHER. WE ARE DONE LETTING OUR CHILDREN BE ABUSED AND INDOCTRINATED. We are now ready to protect LIFE. OUR LIFE OUR RIGHTS - TO LIVE FULLY TO SPEAK TO FLOURISH TO LOVE TO BE ABUNDANT TO BE GIFTED AND POWERFUL AND HONEST AND LOVING TO AWAKEN WE ARE NOT PLAYING YOUR GAME ANYMORE. WE SEE THROUGH IT NOW So who are we shouting all this to? A small group of elite but hidden people who control and hoard this planet’s resources. They feed not just off accumulating money and false power, they feed off our fear and trauma and suffering. They intentionally create wars just to feed their appetites. Not just military war between countries though, they also intentionally fuel race and class wars and division among us. They love it when we hate each other. They love it when we fear each other and compete. They love it when we feel helpless and need someone to save us. They feed off it all like hungry vampires and zombies. They spread their vampiric ways to humanity so that we all think we are broken, wrong, limited, and sinful. They promote ideas of scarcity while hoarding. But what came to me is that the scarcity isn’t real and that this planet has plenty for all of us to live happy and abundant and fulfilling lives. In this vision we shout this “NO MORE” not just in solidarity against the elite darkness, but also, or maybe more importantly, as a collective DECISION. As an energetic unveiling into a new paradigm of Unity. Out of realizing that our differences do not need to be reason for war and suffering. We are all citizens of Earth and the Universe, we all belong here. Every race and ethnicity brings wisdom. Every path to the divine has its purpose and contribution. Every way of life has a learning for the soul that gravitates to it. This kind of Unity that I envision though does not ask us to fit in and compromise our deeper truths and our individuality. It does not censor us or require us to be homogeneous. In fact I envision a very colorful and diverse magical world where we can all shine in our uniqueness. There are different ideas of how to best be together in an organized society though (or not organized if that’s what you feel is best). I see us forming smaller groups to live the way we want. These smaller groups are not created out of separation though and do not exist in opposition to each other. They exist to bring about creativity and human potential. There is no competition between the groups, only mutual respect even though we see things differently. No one imposes their ideas onto others or needs to compete for resources. The groups are created so that each person has a chance to honor themselves and live in the way they feel most in alignment with. People are free to visit and come and go among the groups which will be scattered all across our beautiful planet. The groups will provide an opportunity for souls to come here and joyfully learn according to what they need to experience to continue evolving in their journey on Earth and through the Universe. But this new paradigm will not include violence, control, or repressive right/wrong beliefs. The Souls that need to learn through that kind of thing will have to go elsewhere. Many people think this vision of a new world I describe is impossible because they think humans are inherently dumb, broken, flawed, greedy, and violent. I think that with time we will come to realize this as a limiting belief of the past that we’ve been hypnotized with and has very little to do with our true nature, which is love. I think this will be seen more and more when light overtakes darkness on this planet. I don’t know when or how this will come about. But I feel excited at all the possibilities! For now, we each can heal our history and continue evolving and discover this in our own hearts and lives.
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Recently I was missing a man I’ve been experiencing a deep connection with. In particular, I felt this longing to feel his physical body close and to feel his arms around me firmly. To feel our skin touch. As I was feeling this I started to wonder if or how I could give what I longed for - to myself. I felt a curiosity about what can be possible if I explored this. I then, without thinking, walked into my bedroom and removed all my clothes, and laid down on my back on my soft bed. I ran my hands through my hair and spread it around me. I began touching the sides of my face and then moved my hand gently across my shoulders and chest. I said out loud “I love you Leela”. I kept saying this as I moved both hands over more areas of my body. I wanted to attend to all of me. “I love you Leela” out loud, over and over. I began feeling more warmth inside. Initially, some thoughts floated through my mind saying “This is not as good as being loved by him” and “This is silly, it won’t do anything”. But I kept going and more energy moved sweetly through my body with subtle electricity. This felt intimate and I felt turned on but in a way of just feeling more alive, not strongly sexual (at least not in the sense of how we usually think of ‘sexual’). Then there was a moment where the “I love you Leela” was no longer feeling like just me saying this. It seemed to be coming from beyond me, that it was the universe saying “I love you Leela”. My energy began expanding and my body felt lightweight. Lately, I have been so drawn to being around and connecting to men. I’ve been loving and desiring the feeling of masculine energy (and in women that have that too). This is from wanting to feel contained. As I have been opening my heart more and becoming much more vulnerable (sometimes fear, pain, or discomfort comes) - I have been awed at the support that shows up. So many times someone responds to me with exquisite kindness and care or wisdom or I hear something or read something that is exactly what I need in that moment. So back to loving myself - as my hands moved down my body while feeling the universe tell me it loves me, it felt especially good to feel my hands caress down my legs and the best part was pressing the palm of my hand against the bottom of my foot and hearing “I love you Leela”. I then felt more contained. It was nice being made love to like this from myself and the universe, to feel that quiet bigness of love all around me and inside me. To dissolve some of that feeling of being separate from life. *** One way I would describe what feeling contained means: Have you ever walked and was unsure of where the ground is under your feet? That feeling of being wobbly and unsure and that you might fall at any moment? Feeling contained for me is the opposite of that - a feeling of the ground being very there, very strong and solid as it lovingly meets my feet. Have you done anything kind for yourself lately? I would love to receive it in the comments. Nakedness not required :) 
"Zero-Point" by Leela Haris, Tempera on 18x24 140lb Watercolor Paper
On the periphery we each have our stories, diverse experiences, and unique way of being in the world. At our core, in our center, is something beyond our personal identity. This is the only place where I’ve glimpsed true equality and unity. This place is also sometimes called the zero-point. Where nothing is happening and yet all is possible. It’s peaceful, restful, clarifying, and nourishing. It’s also where empathy arises from. I sense that this core center in us, is also the center of the entire universe. Many of the messages of equality or unity say that we have to make it happen somewhere 'out there'. You have to behave this or that way. You can say this, but you can’t say that. You have to fix this or that problem in the system and to do that you have to be this or that way. But it’s often only about the periphery. Trying to change just our periphery, we can end up compromising our unique way of being. Our unique way of being is the path to the center. I’ve lived the first 35 years of my life trying to change or fix the periphery. I didn’t know there was anything else to who I was or to life. I didn’t know because I was living in survival mode. This shift from survival surface living to more expansive living is in some ways like going from a heavy, colorless, one-dimensional, and hostile world to living in a place that is often vibrant, multi-dimensional, spontaneous, and full of wonder. Not always, but often. If I would have read my own words 10 years ago this would go right over my head. It needs to come from experience. But the words are there to help encourage and validate the experience. 
Not feeling good enough for someone. Who hasn't felt this way at some point?
Here is my understanding about this.- When we are carrying an insecurity about ourselves, we may experience others as not accepting us. This can result as patterns of conflict with others or of trying to please them. This is very common but keeps us trapped in a painful and draining situation. You can watch for any time you want to prove something to someone or get them to accept you in some way. When you spot it happening: Stop. Breathe. Breathe slowly and deeply. And instead of focusing on the other person, explore your inner world (thoughts, emotions, sensations). You can take this even further by exploring with an intention to see the Truth. If you can manage to make this shift in focus, if you can withstand the initial force of resistance, before you even get to an insight, you will already feel a huge shift. You will likely feel energized. I call this INNER EMPOWERMENT. People are incredible reflections of what we need to understand within. This does not mean we allow ourselves to be mistreated all over the place. This is not contrary to speaking up and not allowing someone to impose their judgments or views on us. In fact, it may lead to doing just that. Not as a hurt-based reaction, but out of a self-respect for ourselves. Seems paradoxical, but the inner focus makes us kinder and more honest. We become trustworthy. Because we minimize burdening others with our pain. Our hearts can open in the recognition that others are struggling too and that it has nothing to do with us personally. I've experienced this countless times. But at first I would beat myself up. Feeling bad that I was doing something wrong to draw to me negative reflections and dynamics. But with time more joy and self-compassion has come in. And with experience I know the consequences of not doing it and the incredible awe-inspiring gifts of doing it. 
I hated talking about my feelings. Ugh. Sharing my inner world. It was awful. This is how I felt up till my early thirties or so.
But I would have times of intense depression and desperation and the psychiatric medications I took weren’t enough to completely numb it. There was this idea I had that when you have an emotional or mental problem you “get help”. Like some kind of magical solution happens when you “get help”. At that time “getting help” meant therapy to me. Going to some kind of expert, a professional. So despite the dread, I would motivate myself to seek out a therapist. This happened a few times over the years. I would go to someone and hate the sessions and then leave feeling worse. After a few sessions I just couldn’t bring myself to go back. When I stopped seeing that person I felt I had failed at “getting help”. One main reason I felt worse after these sessions was because I had so much repressed pain that would start to surface and I had no idea how to talk about it. I didn’t understand it at all. But there were other reasons. I felt like a sick patient in those sessions. It was also awkward because I would be blocked and it was hard to talk and the therapist would stare at me waiting for me to say something. The pressure was difficult for me. Sometimes I would share what was happening in my life and would feel I was being psychoanalyzed and would get further labeled or diagnosed. They wanted to pick apart my childhood and my relationship with my parents and that was excruciating to me. I was intimidated by them. But I could sometimes sense their fear of me too, of my self-destructiveness, of how traumatized I was (even though I didn’t really know it then myself). Other times I would feel the person’s projection on me and I knew their solutions and ideas had nothing to do with me, it was their own unresolved stuff. But then one day I attended this short workshop on dream symbolism at a local holistic health fair. I was immediately drawn to the woman who led it. I’m going to call her Nan (not her real name). Nan radiated a certain presence. After the workshop I looked up her website and found out she gives therapy sessions in her home in my neighborhood. I started seeing her once a week and this went on for several months. I loved it. I loved her. I started to open up. I was coming out of my shell a little. I felt lighter and happier than I had ever felt up to this point. Interestingly enough she seemed to have no desire to fix me or label me or even try to help me solve my problems. In fact, sometimes I would tell her about the latest health problem I suspected I had and wanted to obsess over it. She would refuse to even discuss it saying “No, we aren’t talking about that”. I would be confused and disappointed at first. Isn’t she supposed to help me figure this out? Doesn’t she see I could be sick, maybe even die? Doesn’t she see something is seriously wrong with me? Other times I felt relieved and elated with her permission in letting go of guilt and doing what made me happy. But then I would start to blame the other person for guilting me. Again she would say “Nope, not doing that”. I didn’t realize it at the time but I was forced to let go during those sessions. Nan refused to indulge my fearful obsessive mind and my tendency to swing from blaming myself to blaming someone else. Sometimes on the way to our session I would feel there was no point to going. I had nothing to talk about and nothing was going on. Those times we would just sit silently together, no pressure or expectation for anything to talk about. Out of nowhere I would start talking about something seemingly random that happened to me recently. And then I realized that yes, something did happen and it bothered me. Nan would listen. She sometimes shared a story. Sometimes just reflect what she noticed in my sharing. After a few months, she moved away and I instinctively knew it was time for me to move on even though I struggled with losing her. (After this I went on to the work I'm doing now which has given me a depth of knowing that was unimaginable and unattainable for me at that time of seeing Nan) So why was Nan’s approach to therapy so helpful to me while all the others weren’t? Some therapists I went to had successful careers, books published, and advanced degrees in psychology. Nan didn’t have these things, she was a retired social worker. It took me years to understand why this woman had such an impact on me. The two things that stand out to me: She Respected Me She Was Present It seems so simple. But it is profound. Why? Because in order to give these things to me she had to have done it for herself first. That takes focused inner work and wisdom. Can that come just from learning psychology? Can respect and presence come by studying ourselves or another solely through mental concepts and elaborate mental explanations and strategies? No, not in my experience is this possible. I see it as a deep, very honest, and mystical personal exploration inward. It’s facing the unknown, over and over. And over and over. Until it begins to be more of a way of life. In the unknown we inevitably come to layers of fears and pain from the past. Transforming what we come across frees us and we no longer need to project that onto others. At that time of seeing Nan, I had not yet learned to respect myself. I had not yet learned to be present with myself. She modeled this for me though. I was not a broken human being that she had to fix and put back together, even though sometimes I wanted her to. She taught me without teaching me. She did what was easy and natural for her. Because of this, I was not a burden to her. I was paying her for a service she provided, yet she refused to take on my worries and fears. Was she perfect? No. Could she help me understand what was driving my obsessiveness and my guilt and blame? Could she help me see the truth behind my dependence on medications? No. That wasn’t her purpose for me though. That came later when I started working with Mada Dalian. That’s when I started to uncover in myself the respect and presence that I continue to deepen and grow today. I don’t blame those other therapists for not being able to help me. How could they? They were suffering deeply themselves. In some ways they were also a reflection of myself. I know now that LOVE is not what we think it is. I write this in gratitude to all who have guided me towards the next step, regardless of their level of awareness. Most of all to my teacher, Mada. 
Dear Men,
Thank you for all your strength. For all the times you had to go into battle and face harm and even death. For all the hard work you have done under the pressure to provide and to protect. For thousands of lifetimes, you have had to be the strong one. The one who knew all the answers. The one who took charge. Who fixed it all. Who could never show weakness. You have had to stay on guard for so long. I know it takes time for the armor to come off. It’s not fair to expect you to suddenly rip it all off at once. It will come off when you are ready. You decide. I know these are confusing times for you. First, you had to carry the job of being the bigger sex. Now there are messages out there telling you to make yourself small and be obedient. That it's wrong to be powerful. You are seen as both, God and the Devil. It's not just women. You too have also been manipulated and used. Projected upon. You experience deep pain and fear too. Personally, I disagree that it’s your job to fix “patriarchy”. I also know you have been shamed for your sexual desire and yet told it makes you a "real man”. You feel pressure to perform and know what to do, without any guidance. Unrealistic expectations that no human could satisfy, much less experience love. Vulnerability is a challenge for me. For you, that challenge is multiplied, many times over. I think it’s so perfect and beautiful to be a woman. And it's so perfect and beautiful that you are a man. I don't want us to be the same or to always agree or see life the same way. How boring would that be? Thank you men. For teaching me to be compassionate and understanding. Thank you men for pushing me to find my strength and independence. To take responsibility for my own thoughts and feelings. And my boundaries. Most of all thank you for teaching me that my choices are my own. I know the moments of power struggles and those little battles will still happen. But even when it's chaotic and messy, deep down I still remain so grateful for all of it. So grateful for you being you. I have seen so clearly that we were never meant to save each other and satisfy each other's expectations. But instead to help know and love ourselves. And share our self-knowledge, presence, and love with each other. I love our dance of interdependence. Dear Men, you are essential. Essential to everything. You are one half of this earthly experience. You are one half of me. I'm so glad you exist! To all men, I just simply love you. **This one felt too personal to use a stock image for. So I dug out some old photographs that I took and processed a long time ago in a college photography class. The model is my then-boyfriend. Back then I thought being naked was all it took to be intimate. 
Dating is totally different for me since doing inner work. It has gone from painful drama to Adventure. A story... Several years ago I met a man online. At first it was just a few friendly messages. The conversations quickly became more frequent and we seemed to have a lot in common. I found him easy to talk to. We started chatting on video too (we live in different states). In our conversations I would have these moments thinking “wow, he says all the right things!”. I felt such a strong connection and trust with him. And this is all happening in the space of 3 weeks or so. I felt like I could really be myself and not worry about anything. I don’t remember most of the details of our conversations except this one thing he told me: “No matter what, I never stop being someone’s friend. I never cut someone out of my life.” This gave me such a feeling of safety. So my mind was saying yes to this man. But my body was apparently saying something else entirely. I just wasn’t really listening to my body at first. During one video chat he looked at me curiously and asked me if I was cold. I looked down and I was wearing a sweater with two jackets over it (pretty hilarious actually, it was summer). We were talking about sex during that conversation and as we talked I kept getting up to grab more clothes to wear. I wasn’t cold. I was uncomfortable. But I dismissed my discomfort as my own woundedness because I was working through a lot of trauma during that time. I told myself “Keep an open mind. It’s good to discuss these things openly”. I happened to have a retreat trip planned in California a few hours from where he lived coming up and I was considering adding extra days to my trip so I can visit him. But it was all happening really fast and I started to have mixed feelings. The mixed feelings were the conflict of what was coming from what my mind wanted and what my body & intuition were saying. So I decided to dedicate some time to focus and go inward and go deeper into my intuition. When I let go of my mind and I did this I got very clear very fast: It didn’t feel right to visit him on my trip. Not only that, it didn’t feel right to even pursue a relationship with this man. I decided to trust this and act on this. Even though I didn’t really know why, I mean he still seemed like a great guy to me. I emailed him to let him know that I would like to just remain friends. I explained it so he would know I wasn’t angry or had a problem about anything. I also figured if it’s meant to be more than friendship then it can happen with time. I also understood that it might trigger some insecurity in him but that it wouldn’t be that big of a deal for such an emotionally mature man as him. He replied and expressed shock at my sudden change of heart. But he said he understood and honored my decision. Then the next day he blocked me from all social media and completely disconnected from me. Now I was the one shocked. But just at first. I was also actually so glad to see how right my intuition was! I realized most of the conversations coming from him were lies. He was telling me what I wanted to hear. I wasn’t angry though. I saw why it worked on me. He made me feel special. He made me feel understood. He made me feel safe. He made me feel important and significant. He gave me what I was starving for and unconsciously looking outside of myself for. He showed me where my insecurities were. Experiences like this have helped me transform those starving parts of myself. Each experience, whether positive or negative, brings me a step closer to being whole within myself. I’m also much more self-aware. I can feel when a situation or person makes me feel “special” or “important”. If something feels good, great I enjoy it. But I’m much more alert to the difference of feeling good that is coming from my ego-mind (self-importance) and those of my body (it feels more organic and less like a story of my identity getting fed). Am I completely done with insecurity, with any attachment to being special or important? No. But I am celebrating the distance I have traveled to this place of being on an adventure. Does the adventure mean no pain? No. But the pain, when it does happen, is VERY useful. Before doing this inner work there was so much anxiety and pain in dating and relationships. I was at times living out a longing and fantasy and there was no genuine intimacy. It was total bullshit actually (sorry to any exes reading this). Then I would feel betrayed if I felt the person wasn’t genuine. But I wasn’t even genuine with myself. There was no possibility in those situations for any sincere intimacy. Our socialized ideas of romance are fantasies that come from our unfulfilled needs and longings. To stay in this is to ride the roller coaster ride of pain and heartbreak. It’s actually insane, if you really see if for what it is. So much drama, and we actually create the whole thing ourselves much of the time. But coming out of this game has been liberating. Instead of feeling resentful and blame towards anyone I’m glad to have the experience because each person teaches me so much about myself. Instead of shutting down my trust and becoming bitter or fearful from these learning experiences, I grow MORE trusting. MORE trusting of myself. MORE trusting of whatever life brings me. I don’t need to carry the hurt memories. I don’t need to guard against or worry about other people and their intentions. I also don’t get too offended when someone lies to me. It’s not personal. It’s their own issue and not for me to figure out. My only responsibility is to see through my own illusions. I don’t trust because people are trustworthy. I trust because I am trustworthy. 
So what is the difference between self-love and narcissism?
I see them as existing in different universes, that's how different they are. Narcissism is superiority. Superiority is based on comparison, competition, and insecurity. It is looking outward for who we are. It is needing to prove something. It is a temporary compensation for the painful feeling of smallness deep down. Superiority is there only because somewhere inside there is inferiority. Two sides to the same coin. We come out of this painful game when we change direction and start looking within to transform the root of what is making us feel small or needing to prove anything. This is not a “fake it till you make it” kinda thing. Not at all. Do we need yet another facade to hide behind? No, I don’t think so. The first step is to be honest with ourselves about how we really feel. It’s tricky because we don’t actually need to be taught how to LOVE ourselves. How to TRUST ourselves. How GOOD we are. How POWERFUL we are. How BIG we are. How MAGICAL we are. (but role models and facilitators are a huge help). We were born already knowing this. We just have to UNLEARN what we were taught. We need to see through and undo all the lies. All that we took on during our time here on this planet. A technique to transform the root of insecurities: Dalian Method sessions by Lila Do your own Dalian Method sessions |
AuthorLeela Haris - Expanding Consciousness Archives
January 2021
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