Sometimes it's our clarity that allows us to see the issues and lack of sensitivity in another person's behavior towards us.
But If we stay fixated on blaming them for our own stress & unhappiness then we lose contact with true reality. We haven't seen what the situation and person is there to teach us.
If you are reading this thinking your situation is an exception. If I were you, I would think again. You might very well be staring straight into the liberation you've been asking for and telling it….
“What is this situation here to show me?” is a question I use often. But I have to mean it when I ask it. I have to really WANT to know.
If this resonates on some level with you but seems very difficult: Have you first acknowledged, and fully expressed and felt any blame, hurt, anger, judgments, and self-judgments? This is how we compassionately and bravely take full responsibility for ourselves. For all we experience.
Another way to avoid reality and liberating yourself is to sugarcoat or spiritualize the situation. We can do this by trying really hard to or pretending to be loving, accepting, forgiving, grateful...when inside we actually feel very differently.
If you allow the challenge to deeply transform you, you may be shocked to experience a spontaneous gratitude for the asshole :)
One of the most manipulative social ideologies I've witnessed in recent years is this idea of Privilege.
It gets split up into factions too
You name it, we can take any advantage a person has and attach the word privilege to it.
Issues such as racism, sexism, class-ism, homophobia; these have created much pain on this planet. But can we truly heal by just turning the tables on who has the power over others? Creating mental simplistic labels and imposing them on another without any genuine connection to them as a human being diminishes them (and ourselves). Diminishing a person solely for being a financially successful white male is not that different than diminishing the precious being that happens to be a transsexual woman with dark skin.
Personally I love being inclusive when it feels authentic to me! When it feels real there is joy and expansion in it. But if I’m being inclusive only based on trying to avoid being socially ostracized, labelled, or judged than I’m not being inclusive at all. Because I'm excluding myself. I’m conforming out of fear.
The chaos, anger, and pain that continues to surface in the collective makes the times we are living in ideal for doing our inner healing work.
Chaos precedes clarity. Pain surfaces when we are ready to heal and break free of something.
Anger too can be a good sign. For example I was in a relationship years ago and would experience sudden bouts of intense anger at my partner. I was reacting to my partner's subtle but controlling behavior. The anger meant progress because in the past I was submissive and focused on how to please the man in my life. My inner power was rising up but it was chaotic. I knew I needed to work with my anger because it wasn’t fair to my partner to throw my personal history of repressed frustration and pain at him.
When I worked with my anger and frustration triggered by him I saw that there was still an insecurity in me that was looking to men to validate my self-worth. I realized that I was unconsciously expecting him to give me love and validation. I also saw how much pain he was struggling with. When I started looking inside and waking up my ability to love and validate myself I stopped having all those heated power struggles and have attracted healthier and less volatile relationship dynamics. I experienced much more mutual respect with everyone in my life.
If I would have concluded that it was his “mansplaining” or "male privilege" that was the problem and that's that, I would have continued to outsource my personal power. I would have also had to face the pain of my inner conscience for participating in violence towards another.
One practice I do is to observe my mind and my thoughts. Over the years in doing this inner work and observing my mind I've come to recognize that anytime I have repeating thoughts about how someone did this or that to me I know there is something for me to see about myself related to that situation. When this happens it's an opportunity to break free of something that has been limiting me. The person or situation is just the trigger.
This doesn't mean there was no injustice or wrong doing in the first place. There is injustice AND we can learn and grow from it.
Something else that I see a lot and often comes with the ideology of privilege:
You owe it to use your voice to speak up for those less fortunate than you.
Who says we owe anything to anyone? Who decides that? Can compassion be imposed on us from outside of us? Does it follow rules about who deserves or who doesn't?
It can take time to genuinely start to question or see through these things, especially if we've taught ourselves not to question.
I was so use to following the crowd because it's how I've survived that when I tried to find my own voice I would cry because of how impossible it seemed. There was so much clutter in my mind and energy.
But I persisted. I have been releasing so many layers of mental programmings, ideologies, beliefs, outside opinions, judgments (about myself and others), etc. As I've done this my inner voice (my intuition) has become much stronger and clearer.
I may want to stand up for another person or group. I may not. But I alone am responsible for that decision.
I know that I can only make a conscious impact if I’m learning to take greater and greater responsibility for my life and my own individual and unique self-empowerment.
Here are a few similar blogs I've written:
The Game of Women's Empowerment (If you don't mind a rant mid-way about being accused of belonging to a cult)
How to Spot A Manipulator (I think this one freaks people out a little, but it's one of my favorites)
Adventures in Dating (If you like hearing stories about my love life, or my almost love life)
I love seeing a Dalian Method client realize their own inherent worth and goodness. I enjoy teaching people, who are ready, the difference between positive beliefs and experiencing their truth from within.
People are usually shocked at how much beauty and intelligence and wisdom and love is inside them. It's there naturally. Without any contriving or contorting or improving themselves.
This realization happens from the courage they undertake to be completely honest about the feelings and thoughts they have been running from. This allows the pain and self-judgments that have been operating from their unconscious to be permanently released.
Over time the need for mental positive affirming and other strategies of denial naturally drop because we see the profound value in being who we are and what we are genuinely experiencing inside. No matter how seemingly imperfect we are, we no longer enjoy saying things we don't truly know or mean. We stop unconsciously escaping our reality. And when we are escaping we may prefer to tell ourselves the truth and accept ourselves anyways.
I've had people inform me about how "We all create our own reality" yet they adamantly resist compassionately looking at how they create their own pain and problems. Preferring to complain or blame something outside of them. Whatever "dreams" they do manifest will be ultimately unfulfilling or possibly even harmful, because it will be disconnected from self-awareness and self-responsibility.
Or they may be aware they are creating their own problems to an extent, but instead of really looking at how this is happening, they blame and beat themselves up for any negative experience. They tolerate abuse from others and experience depression.
It's common where we are saying one thing and our unconscious is expressing something completely different and we are not aware of this. Some people are aware of their pain but think that using feel-good phrases, grand spiritual beliefs, and positive thoughts will fix the problem. I have been there myself. But doing this just keeps the root of the problem in the dark by repressing it.
These are just examples, and the underlying issues vary widely between people. I've also heard these being expressed authentically as well (It's about the energy behind the words, rather than the words themselves).
If you recognize yourself in this and want to experience the Dalian Method: You can do your own sessions by purchasing the 'Healing the Body & Awakening Consciousness with the Dalian Method' home study kit (comes with two audio guided sessions and a comprehensive book). You can also get a private guided session by a facilitator such as myself. The creator of the Dalian Method Mada Eliza Dalian also offers private sessions, online courses, tele-classes, and retreats.
NOTE: When we have been believing things such as "I'm Not Good Enough" or "I can't Trust Myself" for many years (or lifetimes), even when these are clearly seen as false and are released through the Dalian Method, it may take time to stop trying to be a better person or do things to live up to an ideal of who we should be or prove our worth. We may experience deeper layers that need to be released. The mind also has to learn to accept something so completely earth shattering to everything we thought we knew about ourselves. To everything we were told about ourselves. To everything that the people around us believe and think.
Common thoughts that can stop you from helping yourself:
last but not least:
I've buried it and there's no point digging it back up and going through pain.
But do you know what else gets buried?
Your Sparkling Aliveness
When we bury the 'bad stuff’ we bury the good stuff with it.
“There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own Soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” - Carl Jung
I started doing this work of becoming conscious thinking I was just trying to end my depression, my debilitating anxiety, and to try to get some of this thing people referred to as “confidence”.
I got those things and more. I am now connected to a strength and love inside me that I didn’t know was possible. I’ve had and continue to have mind blowing experiences of how magical and incredible life is. Compassion and understanding that allows me to forgive and move on from even the most horrible abuses inflicted on me. These experiences leave me in a state of awe, of regular gratitude exploding from within me. Almost everyday feels like a new adventure.
But here is what I didn’t know when I started this inward journey. I didn’t know that pain doesn’t end. At least not in the way I thought it would. I thought life would become easier. But no, what happened instead is, I got stronger and more resolved. I realized that life brings me what I need and I spend less of my energy trying to control it and bend it to my will.
To continue expanding our consciousness we have to experience pain often. This pain I’m talking about is the pain of the constant exposure of our self-delusions. It’s so much easier to see other people’s delusions than our own.
Again... It’s SO much easier to see other people’s delusions than our own.
This is why community or a teacher or both can be so vital. For both encouragement and not feeling so alone in this journey. To help us not give up. But also to reflect the truth to us. To help us see our blind spots.
There are many views that support staying away from all seeming negativity. Stay away from negative and dark energy! Protect yourself! Walk away from anyone who makes you feel bad or ashamed.They are bad people! Surround yourself with people that only lift you up and make you feel good. If you take this view and live your entire life this way. Well, it’s your choice of course. But it will keep you safely asleep in your own self-made delusional prison.
Does this mean everyone who triggers pain in you has good intentions? Of course not. Some people intend to harm or bring you down in order to make themselves feel better because deep down they feel small and fearful. That’s true. Yet that can have its own lessons for us too. (if we are honest with ourselves we have done the same thing)
But some will tell you the truth because they care. They are unwilling to settle for mediocrity, for themselves and you. They are unwilling to constantly make themselves small for you. They sacrifice your nice opinion of them.
I don’t have an easy formula for you to discern because it comes from experience for me. Lot’s of it. I do encourage a willingness to face and go through your resistance in order to go beyond it. Connecting to this ‘beyond’ part of me is what has guided me and given me joy.
Anytime I’ve experienced transformation, It involved pain. Sometimes it’s a feeling that I would describe as “agonizing”.
So is it hard? Oh my god yeah, it’s so hard!!
I hate pain. It sucks. I don’t like it. Yet I allow these experiences and that’s why I am a different person today. The transformations permanently altered me at such a deep level of my beingness. So much so that I had to change my name from Lila to Leela because I didn’t feel like ‘Lila’ anymore.
I have to admit something about my teacher Mada. She terrifies me at times, and has in moments during the whole past 7 years I’ve been her student. As much as I feel profoundly grateful to her. As much as she is this adorable spunky petite woman who looks and feels much younger than she is. With her curly blonde hair and her stylish clothes and Adidas shoes.
As much as I have never experienced a profound presence and silence as I do when I’m near her. In the moment when she is exposing something in me, suddenly she seems monstrous to me. She looks more like Kali holding a bleeding severed head. All I want in these moments is to dig a deep hole in the ground and crawl into it.
I’ve never met a woman (or man) this fearless. She is also hilarious and so gentle much of the time (I’m just focusing on the scary times because that’s what this writing is about).
It’s why I think of her as a “Zen Master”. Zen is responding to whatever the moment calls for.
It’s also why genuinely self-realized teachers, the ones who truly want us to come into our own, be truly self-empowered as the mystical amazing beings that we truly are, are often feared, projected upon, ridiculed, and hated. Because they expose our unconsciousness. They expose our darkness. This is exactly why Jesus was crucified.
But I am veering off to another topic.
Back to pain. An example of how pain helped me recently: Over the years Mada has reflected to me that I’m procrastinating and holding back who I really am. She always said this in a gentle way. I procrastinated less but yet was still doing it in many unconscious ways, I wasn't seeing the full truth of what she was pointing to. That’s okay because I was working through so many other things as well. It just wasn’t quite time yet.
Recently she brought this up again. This time not so gentle. The words she chose felt like a burning searing arrow through me. It exposed humiliation and guilt in me. I was suddenly seeing how deluded I’d been and how much I’d been holding back. Ouch. Yet even while still feeling that pain I immediately felt spurred to be more fully myself and take action right away.
However painful it was. It worked. The pain has now passed and in its place a new unfolding of clarity, determination, and gratitude.
That’s what truth does to us. It can momentarily seem like we are being viciously attacked. But there’s no other way to become conscious but to experience this kind of pain as Jung’s quote says. Otherwise ‘being spiritual’ is just dress-up for our ego.
The popular images of the Hindu Goddess Kali; I read somewhere that this is just how the ego sees her. I had an experience one time where I was in a lot of intense resistance and agonizing pain and she whispered to me so lovingly and gently “Sorry dear, I cannot take away your pain right now. Not yet”
She is actually the embodiment of compassion. (notice in the image, the man she is stepping on looks relaxed and blissful - he is in Surrender)
“Negative emotions are toxic to your physical health”
This is one of those statements lacking real practical wisdom. I have not found this view, however popular, to be beneficial.
Yes it’s true that our mental and emotional state affect our physical health and can contribute to illness. It’s good to be aware of how everything is connected. Yet the idea that our emotions are toxic can, ironically, contribute to the very toxicity we want to avoid.
Here is why...
No emotion in itself is toxic. Even rage. What makes it toxic is repressing it. When we believe the mind that judges an emotion as “wrong” or "bad" or “toxic” we are repressing that emotion.
Anything repressed will cause problems
Judging all my anger as toxic = repression = more struggle and fighting with myself = suffering = staying unconscious of the messages life is sending me = toxic.
We will also end up taking it out on other people because it will find an outlet. It has to. It will either come out passive-aggressively or as an explosion because emotions are not meant to be forced away or pushed down. If we reach a reactive explosion point, we can feel shocked and guilty and try to control ourselves more. In an attempt to avoid the shame we might rationalize or blame someone or ourselves. This all keeps the unhealthy repressive cycle going until we have a deeper understanding.
I think stress is misunderstood too. Chronic stress needs to be addressed, but avoiding all stress to me would mean to avoid growth. For example we can certainly feel great pressure in the midst of transformation. If we are stepping into something new we will feel uncomfortable. If we only saw the pressure as toxic and felt we should always feel peaceful and calm, would that be helpful? It would be very limiting wouldn't it?
Accepting our "negative" emotions and finding healthy ways to express and explore them benefits us in so many ways.
Our emotions are wise messengers.
**Acceptance of our emotions doesn't mean we believe and act on them without awareness. Emotions themselves are not necessarily the wisdom, but allowing them and exploring them free of judgment brings us to wisdom.
When we become totally disillusioned
When hope is dissolving
When the outer takes the complete opposite route to all that feels humane and right
When the world disappoints us and breaks our heart
and it all seems dark and heartless and meaningless and pointless...
This is such an unexpectedly beautiful place to be, if you are patient enough.
So don't reach for the old hope you had.
Don't sugarcoat it with false hope, as tempting as that can be.
Something new is being born.
Something very precious.
This is the turning point. A place where you have no choice but to ask deeper questions.
What if the world never comes to peace?
What if ‘they’ never change?
What is the purpose of it all?
Why am I here?
(find your own genuine question, it’s already there)
Maybe now you can start to head towards the true source of Peace. True source of Meaning, of Humanity, Wholeness and Love.
Maybe now you will give up.
Give up waiting for someone to come be the hero.
Give up spending tons of energy trying to be someone else’s hero.
Give up hoping the world will reflect something beautiful back to you (it will, but only at the right time).
The world, other people, they are not here to fulfill our dreams and hopes. They do not exist to make us happy and conform to our expectations.
Well, not in the way we have been taught.
They exist to help us learn and evolve.
And we need both, the light and the dark.
And we know which one we need to work with because that is what is showing up.
All that we long for, even if we find it 'out there', unless it also sparks an Inner Revolution, it won't really satisfy for the long haul.
So don’t be so quick to dis your disillusionment.
Dark gives birth to Light gives birth to Dark gives birth to Light....and on and on it goes.
If we get attached to one, we will miss the next.
If we get attached to one kind of happy, one experience of strength, a certain state of deep love, bliss, joy... we delay our continued miracle of unfolding.
If we get attached to our guilt, our mistakes, our hatred, our jealousy, our fear, our wounds...we keep ourself stuck and small and powerless.
Stories are meant to evolve, the all that we are can never fit in one story, there is always more.
We can let our colors change.
And there is actually no such thing as a wrong color.
There is just being in our energetic truth, or not.
(What I mean by Energetic Truth: It's not the looping story in our mind about what we think is happening. It's not the contents of our judgments. It's not someone else's opinion we may have adopted. Nor is it an inner truth we felt yesterday, or even an hour ago. Energetic Truth is what is REALLY happening inside us in this moment.)
See, your Agony and your Ecstasy, they live RIGHT next to each other. They are actually really good friends. They hang out. They trade recipes. They share secrets. They get together and have regular goofball dance sessions.
They laugh hysterically at each other's jokes. They even speak in secret code, the way the best of friends often do.
And when one is struggling the other comes in and says “Hey look, I know a better way, let me show you”. They keep each other close to home by helping each other find the thread when it has been lost.
When left as they are they don’t compete against one another. Their differences and contrasting natures are beautiful and necessary. They are actually deeply compatible.
But. We try to keep them apart.
We have bought into this idea that our opposites are enemies. So we teach them not to trust each other.
When we are with Agony we say “Wow, what a bunch of delusional B.S. Ecstasy is”.
And when we are with Ecstasy we might say “Man, what a loser and downer Agony is, a complete waste of time. Life is so much better without Agony isn’t it?”
End The War
To do this we have to start remembering the ocean while riding and feeling the waves.
“Okay I will live you to the fullest but I also know you are temporary. I intend to let you go when it's time”
“Okay so you scare me a little and I’m not sure I understand you, but is there anything you want to show me?”
One tiny little
...can change EVERYTHING.
There are actually many ways to be only a part of ourselves. The above “war” dialogue is just one example where we can cling to and drown in one part while forgetting the bigger picture, the whole.
Another common way is to deny and suppress a part of ourselves, thereby not feeling any one thing very much. We think we can suppress something "negative" and be better off, but no, we end up numbing our aliveness and compassion too.
I was diagnosed as bi-polar at around age 30. I used the Dalian Method to transform the root causes of what triggered me to get lost and extreme in my emotional ups and downs. I have found stability in strengthening my ability to be centered while accepting and loving myself as I am.
Did you think you were done with the really hard stuff?
Not much more pain? No more falling apart? It’s uphill from now on?
The light inside seems to just keep growing and growing and then…
… the ground falls away, and everything goes dark.
See, there is a time for being in the sun, for joy and expansion and so much knowing and stepping into your truth. Into your power. For wholeness. Answers come. This is a time for Life.
And then there is a time for falling apart. For being lost in a dark room. The terror of the unknown. What used to feel so real doesn’t anymore. Sacred Disintegration. This is a time of a dying.
The truth is, you don’t know what is going to come. What the next layer will be like.
It sometimes shows up when we least expect it, when we feel the strongest or when we have experienced a huge transformation in our lives. It can feel the opposite of where we thought we were headed.
And it will feel like you are dying. You want to scream. You wonder what you did wrong. What mistake you are making to bring up so much pain and doubt.
You may question your sanity. All those realizations you have had… well, are they meaningless? Is anything real?
Why do all this work? What’s the point? Just to bring more pain and darkness? Left with nothing, just being here naked and raw. Shivering in the cold. So much sacrifice. But nothing gained.
You may doubt your decision to walk the path of individuality, to find and know yourself. It would have been easier to fit in. To go along with the crowd. Borrowed truths aren’t very satisfying, but they seem secure compared to this.
Birthing your truth is so much harder than you ever imagined. It almost doesn’t feel worth it. Why wake up when you can stay safely asleep? You feel the danger of it all, and you wonder if you have what it takes.
… you do have what it takes.
This is happening because all the work you have done has given you the inner strength to go through this disintegration.
Feel this. Let it really sink in.
You do have what it takes.
You haven’t done anything wrong. Even though your mind is screaming at you that you have.
Did you ask to be real?
To come alive?
To know Love, to be Love, to be loved?
To know who you really are?
Well, you are being loved right now. And your mind can never love in a true way. Your mind knows survival and safety. It knows how to conform and hold on. It stands at every gate you pass through.
We have to die a mini-death at each gate to bring forth what is next. We go deeper. We descend.
Despite many of the popular New Age Ascension messages against what is seen as negative or lower vibrations: We ascend only as high as we are able to descend into our depths.
True love can hurt sometimes. It hurts what is false. What we are holding on to what we think who we are. But what we think doesn’t come close to the potential that we have inside.
Your false self is what is dying. Another layer shed. It’s not supposed to feel good. It’s not supposed to fit in with your neatly laid out plans. Something bigger wants to happen that your plans are insufficient to hold.
Is your trust coming from having life bend to your will? Then it’s okay if that trust shatters. You are being introduced to real trust. Something enduring. Something so much bigger than your ego.
We have been taught to believe that pain and fear are weaknesses. We tend to think we are doing something wrong when we are hurting.
But have you thought about how huge and profound it is to come home? How many lifetimes of unfelt pain you are strong enough to be traveling through right now? How many false beliefs you are untangling yourself from?
Of course, bringing your soul into the world will feel impossibly hard at times. The most amazing thing we can do for ourselves and this planet is also the most challenging thing as well.
You are so amazing. Look at what you are trying to do as the big dreamer that you are. The fact that you dare to do this work. The beauty and love inside you is pushing up to be seen and felt.
Thus everything that is not love is being revealed. Life is asking to love you, and she kisses you where it hurts. But she will not take the pain away until it’s time. You are not being punished. You are being born.
Some advice from me if you are in a Sacred Disintegration:
Mistakes, Failures, Missteps… it’s all a part of it, to trip and fall in that dark room. Learn what needs to be learned, but also be kind to yourself.
If part of you wants to expand and part of you wants to stay small, it can create almost unbearable tension. Give voice to both. Be especially brutality honest about the part of you that doesn’t want to deal with it.
That wants to hide from Truth and hold on to the known. That wants to go back to sleep. The spiritually Incorrect one.
Once you give it voice and let it live, and not try to shame it into shape, then it can relax and you can find your way back to this work in a way that feels authentic. Instead of shoulding yourself into it.
Be aware of the people around you. You may need to speak this experience to only those who are also turning and heading back home. Even those who consider themselves spiritual may not be working towards their own individuality.
In many ways, they can’t help but judge (and fear you) because they are not there yet. They can’t understand something they have never experienced or don’t desire.
They may think you are unstable, or somehow see you as going down a dark or wrong path. Watch for fear-laden advice.
Loving you in all your dark places,
Leela Haris ~ Expanding Consciousness