Dating is totally different for me since doing inner work. It has gone from painful drama to Adventure.
Several years ago I met a man online. At first it was just a few friendly messages. The conversations quickly became more frequent and we seemed to have a lot in common. I found him easy to talk to. We started chatting on video too (we live in different states).
In our conversations I would have these moments thinking “wow, he says all the right things!”. I felt such a strong connection and trust with him. And this is all happening in the space of 3 weeks or so. I felt like I could really be myself and not worry about anything.
I don’t remember most of the details of our conversations except this one thing he told me: “No matter what, I never stop being someone’s friend. I never cut someone out of my life.” This gave me such a feeling of safety.
So my mind was saying yes to this man. But my body was apparently saying something else entirely. I just wasn’t really listening to my body at first. During one video chat he looked at me curiously and asked me if I was cold. I looked down and I was wearing a sweater with two jackets over it (pretty hilarious actually, it was summer). We were talking about sex during that conversation and as we talked I kept getting up to grab more clothes to wear.
I wasn’t cold. I was uncomfortable.
But I dismissed my discomfort as my own woundedness because I was working through a lot of trauma during that time. I told myself “Keep an open mind. It’s good to discuss these things openly”.
I happened to have a retreat trip planned in California a few hours from where he lived coming up and I was considering adding extra days to my trip so I can visit him. But it was all happening really fast and I started to have mixed feelings. The mixed feelings were the conflict of what was coming from what my mind wanted and what my body & intuition were saying.
So I decided to dedicate some time to focus and go inward and go deeper into my intuition. When I let go of my mind and I did this I got very clear very fast: It didn’t feel right to visit him on my trip. Not only that, it didn’t feel right to even pursue a relationship with this man.
I decided to trust this and act on this. Even though I didn’t really know why, I mean he still seemed like a great guy to me.
I emailed him to let him know that I would like to just remain friends. I explained it so he would know I wasn’t angry or had a problem about anything. I also figured if it’s meant to be more than friendship then it can happen with time. I also understood that it might trigger some insecurity in him but that it wouldn’t be that big of a deal for such an emotionally mature man as him.
He replied and expressed shock at my sudden change of heart. But he said he understood and honored my decision.
Then the next day he blocked me from all social media and completely disconnected from me.
Now I was the one shocked. But just at first. I was also actually so glad to see how right my intuition was!
I realized most of the conversations coming from him were lies. He was telling me what I wanted to hear.
I wasn’t angry though. I saw why it worked on me. He made me feel special. He made me feel understood. He made me feel safe. He made me feel important and significant.
He gave me what I was starving for and unconsciously looking outside of myself for. He showed me where my insecurities were.
Experiences like this have helped me transform those starving parts of myself. Each experience, whether positive or negative, brings me a step closer to being whole within myself. I’m also much more self-aware. I can feel when a situation or person makes me feel “special” or “important”. If something feels good, great I enjoy it. But I’m much more alert to the difference of feeling good that is coming from my ego-mind (self-importance) and those of my body (it feels more organic and less like a story of my identity getting fed).
Am I completely done with insecurity, with any attachment to being special or important? No. But I am celebrating the distance I have traveled to this place of being on an adventure. Does the adventure mean no pain? No. But the pain, when it does happen, is VERY useful.
Before doing this inner work there was so much anxiety and pain in dating and relationships. I was at times living out a longing and fantasy and there was no genuine intimacy. It was total bullshit actually (sorry to any exes reading this).
Then I would feel betrayed if I felt the person wasn’t genuine. But I wasn’t even genuine with myself. There was no possibility in those situations for any sincere intimacy.
Our socialized ideas of romance are fantasies that come from our unfulfilled needs and longings. To stay in this is to ride the roller coaster ride of pain and heartbreak. It’s actually insane, if you really see if for what it is. So much drama, and we actually create the whole thing ourselves much of the time.
But coming out of this game has been liberating. Instead of feeling resentful and blame towards anyone I’m glad to have the experience because each person teaches me so much about myself.
Instead of shutting down my trust and becoming bitter or fearful from these learning experiences, I grow MORE trusting. MORE trusting of myself. MORE trusting of whatever life brings me. I don’t need to carry the hurt memories. I don’t need to guard against or worry about other people and their intentions.
I also don’t get too offended when someone lies to me. It’s not personal. It’s their own issue and not for me to figure out. My only responsibility is to see through my own illusions.
I don’t trust because people are trustworthy.
I trust because I am trustworthy.
“There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own Soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” - Carl Jung
I started doing this work of becoming conscious thinking I was just trying to end my depression, my debilitating anxiety, and to try to get some of this thing people referred to as “confidence”.
I got those things and more. I am now connected to a strength and love inside me that I didn’t know was possible. I’ve had and continue to have mind blowing experiences of how magical and incredible life is. Compassion and understanding that allows me to forgive and move on from even the most horrible abuses inflicted on me. These experiences leave me in a state of awe, of regular gratitude exploding from within me. Almost everyday feels like a new adventure.
But here is what I didn’t know when I started this inward journey. I didn’t know that pain doesn’t end. At least not in the way I thought it would. I thought life would become easier. But no, what happened instead is, I got stronger and more resolved. I realized that life brings me what I need and I spend less of my energy trying to control it and bend it to my will.
To continue expanding our consciousness we have to experience pain often. This pain I’m talking about is the pain of the constant exposure of our self-delusions. It’s so much easier to see other people’s delusions than our own.
Again... It’s SO much easier to see other people’s delusions than our own.
This is why community or a teacher or both can be so vital. For both encouragement and not feeling so alone in this journey. To help us not give up. But also to reflect the truth to us. To help us see our blind spots.
There are many views that support staying away from all seeming negativity. Stay away from negative and dark energy! Protect yourself! Walk away from anyone who makes you feel bad or ashamed.They are bad people! Surround yourself with people that only lift you up and make you feel good. If you take this view and live your entire life this way. Well, it’s your choice of course. But it will keep you safely asleep in your own self-made delusional prison.
Does this mean everyone who triggers pain in you has good intentions? Of course not. Some people intend to harm or bring you down in order to make themselves feel better because deep down they feel small and fearful. That’s true. Yet that can have its own lessons for us too. (if we are honest with ourselves we have done the same thing)
But some will tell you the truth because they care. They are unwilling to settle for mediocrity, for themselves and you. They are unwilling to constantly make themselves small for you. They sacrifice your nice opinion of them.
I don’t have an easy formula for you to discern because it comes from experience for me. Lot’s of it. I do encourage a willingness to face and go through your resistance in order to go beyond it. Connecting to this ‘beyond’ part of me is what has guided me and given me joy.
Anytime I’ve experienced transformation, It involved pain. Sometimes it’s a feeling that I would describe as “agonizing”.
So is it hard? Oh my god yeah, it’s so hard!!
I hate pain. It sucks. I don’t like it. Yet I allow these experiences and that’s why I am a different person today. The transformations permanently altered me at such a deep level of my beingness. So much so that I had to change my name from Lila to Leela because I didn’t feel like ‘Lila’ anymore.
I have to admit something about my teacher Mada. She terrifies me at times, and has in moments during the whole past 7 years I’ve been her student. As much as I feel profoundly grateful to her. As much as she is this adorable spunky petite woman who looks and feels much younger than she is. With her curly blonde hair and her stylish clothes and Adidas shoes.
As much as I have never experienced a profound presence and silence as I do when I’m near her. In the moment when she is exposing something in me, suddenly she seems monstrous to me. She looks more like Kali holding a bleeding severed head. All I want in these moments is to dig a deep hole in the ground and crawl into it.
I’ve never met a woman (or man) this fearless. She is also hilarious and so gentle much of the time (I’m just focusing on the scary times because that’s what this writing is about).
It’s why I think of her as a “Zen Master”. Zen is responding to whatever the moment calls for.
It’s also why genuinely self-realized teachers, the ones who truly want us to come into our own, be truly self-empowered as the mystical amazing beings that we truly are, are often feared, projected upon, ridiculed, and hated. Because they expose our unconsciousness. They expose our darkness. This is exactly why Jesus was crucified.
But I am veering off to another topic.
Back to pain. An example of how pain helped me recently: Over the years Mada has reflected to me that I’m procrastinating and holding back who I really am. She always said this in a gentle way. I procrastinated less but yet was still doing it in many unconscious ways, I wasn't seeing the full truth of what she was pointing to. That’s okay because I was working through so many other things as well. It just wasn’t quite time yet.
Recently she brought this up again. This time not so gentle. The words she chose felt like a burning searing arrow through me. It exposed humiliation and guilt in me. I was suddenly seeing how deluded I’d been and how much I’d been holding back. Ouch. Yet even while still feeling that pain I immediately felt spurred to be more fully myself and take action right away.
However painful it was. It worked. The pain has now passed and in its place a new unfolding of clarity, determination, and gratitude.
That’s what truth does to us. It can momentarily seem like we are being viciously attacked. But there’s no other way to become conscious but to experience this kind of pain as Jung’s quote says. Otherwise ‘being spiritual’ is just dress-up for our ego.
The popular images of the Hindu Goddess Kali; I read somewhere that this is just how the ego sees her. I had an experience one time where I was in a lot of intense resistance and agonizing pain and she whispered to me so lovingly and gently “Sorry dear, I cannot take away your pain right now. Not yet”
She is actually the embodiment of compassion. (notice in the image, the man she is stepping on looks relaxed and blissful - he is in Surrender)
I’m so glad to suddenly feel free in talking about past lives.
I wasn’t really that afraid to. I just didn’t want to seem ungrounded or foofy. I also know that if you haven’t experienced it yourself, how can you relate? Understandably. It may seem like I’m just belonging to an eastern religion or philosophy. Which I don’t. It’s a genuine experience for me. Not much different than working with and healing childhood memories or any other memory.
I didn’t understand either until the memories started coming. They came because I've healed so much pain from this life and from childhood, yet still have struggled with stubborn self-destructive patterns. I wanted to understand why. The memories were the answer to what still needed healing and resolve.
The reason I’m glad to begin speaking about my memories though is because so much of what I understand and want to share comes from my Soul’s history. So I felt limited in speaking to certain issues because how can I explain why I know?
The Christian mindset for example, I get it very deeply. I get how strong the desire is for an outer God figure, I get the comfort and relief of it.
Up till about a year ago when I felt sad and alone, I would secretly comfort myself by listening to christian music and crying.
AND I get the, often intense and debilitating and very real, fear and guilt about the belief there is a God up there judging me and I might be punished for eternity if I sin.
I also know feeling special that I get to go to heaven and feeling secretly superior to those that are going to hell while trying to ‘pray’ for them and do “good”. I get being a missionary for God’s work. I also get feeling betrayed and angry towards this God when I experienced agonizing suffering and he didn’t help or save me like was promised. I get the whole game. Because I played it. For lifetimes.
I also get the ‘God loves you’ and ‘You are Perfect in His Eyes’ as well, the positive Christianity and positive thinking that is attractive to us to counter the negativity and make us feel better. Because the self-judgements and fear are still running deep in the unconscious. I also get the angry atheist, that is reacting, for the same reason.
How can I explain that I understand? I wasn’t raised in it nor did I have much direct exposure in this life. See my dilemma here?
It’s not really about trying to expose or tell anyone how they should live. It’s not about judging anyone either for living out these things.
I’m just finding it harder and harder to hold back these things and not be myself.
I also feel that things are different on this planet right now. Despite the widespread hypnotism and unconsciousness, I’m pretty sure I won’t be killed or destroyed for sharing what I know and who I am.
Also. This time I’m not interested in being a Martyr. I think I learned that lesson.
#TheDalianMethod #HellYeahLetsDoThis #IRemember #ICanHelp
How Dare I…
Share about what’s possible in our human potential. How dare I trust my feeling and intuition over any established system.
How dare I know and speak to the limitations of psychiatry, psychology, and medicine. Even science. Who the hell am I?
I don’t have a PhD. I didn’t even finish college.
How dare I know I’m a Cosmic Being beyond religion or mainstream new age spirituality.
I think about Jesus and other historical figures as if they are my personal friends and guides. I feel my own personal connection to many traditions and paths. How dare I do this without the Bible, the Gita, the Koran, Torah, or any formal holy scripture.
I don’t do hours of research or have statistics or ‘proof’. I don’t even always know what’s going on in pop culture or the news. How dare I not care about proving how smart or right I am.
I see myself as bigger than any race or status or class or nation. I love being a woman and understand the imbalance yet have no interest in gender politics. How dare I see beyond our superficial differences.
How dare I not cater to separation through identity politics.
How dare I see social justice as shallow.
How dare I not volunteer and ‘do good’ and don’t participate in the latest bandwagon causes.
I don’t have a glamorous or impressive lifestyle. (although I’m open to that happening, I want to experience flying first class on a trip and enjoying lots of nice things. That would be so much fun!)
I speak about these things yet still get shaky and uncomfortable speaking to people and a small audience. Yet I love being the center of attention at times and sometimes think how amazing it would be to be on a grand stage speaking to thousands of people. Yay, look at me everyone!
The last presentation I gave was a free public talk. Two people came. I was happy though because without those two people I would have not even gotten to talk.
How dare I confuse you (and myself) by attempting to go beyond the mind. How dare I change my mind and opinions so easily.
How dare I write yet struggle with spelling and grammar (it does bug me though, so if you see mistakes I appreciate it if you tell me, I won’t be offended)
How dare I love laughing and giggling over dirty jokes. I’m still not over how hilarious farts are.
How dare I enjoy my sexuality for its own sake. Without pretense. Without guilt or power games.
How dare I make money off helping others.
How dare I don’t make money off helping others.
How dare I tell you that your darkness is the path to your light.
How dare I claim to understand pain and terror.
How dare I feel brave & determined and terrified & weak at the same time.
How dare I say that it all has a purpose.
I really have no credibility to stand on. Why should anyone listen to or trust me. Especially when I talk about things like past lives and enlightened teachers and higher consciousness. Who am I to even say that enlightenment exists. I’m not enlightened.
For all you know I have a mental disorder and have imagined all of it. Ha, yeah, I used to worry myself.
Regularly feeling profound reverence and bowing to my teacher and all the other advanced or enlightened beings past and present, yet I talk about self-empowerment. How dare I know that they are one and the same for me.
How dare I feel that truth does not require me to be small, falsely humble or to suffer. Truth can find us when we are on top of the world and living the most privileged life imaginable (If you are one of those people, can I come to one of your grand cocktail parties? I’m serious, can I? ? )
Truth can find us in our trauma. Loss. Poverty. In our rage. In our separation.
How dare I know that truth is inside each of us. Just sometimes deeply buried.
Existence has given me life (my parents deserve some credit though). I belong here. I don’t earn credibility or authority from other people or a society built on unconsciousness and control and fear. I am not better or higher than anyone. I am sometimes, or often, more aware. Other times I’m in the presence of someone who is more aware than I. Doing my best to recognize and bow to greater awareness though. Whether it comes through me or another. Or both.
How dare I see how far I can go, how dare I ask questions, most of all how dare I try to wake up and know who I truly am.
I’m pretty much a nobody. Living in the Midwestern U.S. Doing my entry level day job at an office trying to remember what I was supposed to be doing next.
Yet here I am, feeling that anything is possible.
I bet you have a “How Dare I” stream running inside you. Maybe we share some of the same ones? What does yours say? Wanna share some of them with me? I’m curious.
I'm so grateful that I live in a time and place where I can be in my 40's having chosen not to be married and not have children and have it be not much of a big deal.
I'm grateful for all the people all through history that have helped move humanity forward so that women can experience more freedom and less oppression in society. I'm safe in that I don't need to fear being stoned to death, burned, or hung for not living according to society's expectations.
From the bottom of my heart thank you!
With this gratitude that I have though, I don't feel I have to pay anyone back or live out someone else's vision. With this freedom I can live my own life the way I feel is right for me. I can find and live my own individual vision.
I have just spent 10 days on beautiful Salt Spring Island with my beloved teacher Mada and a group of sincere seekers. I got back to several private messages about a Women's Black Out movement. Wow, this really struck me! Especially since I'm feeling so opposite of that. I want to show up MORE. I feel more determined to keep seeing the ways that I'm holding myself back. The subtle lies and excuses I'm unconsciously telling myself that keep me from living fully right now.
The truth is that women's empowerment doesn't really exist. It's a game we play with ourselves. Any idea that we have that the world or other people need to change so that we can feel worthy and free and safe is a lie.
Yes society can progress and make life easier and better. Absolutely. But the only empowerment that is real is SELF-Empowerment.
No one can empower us. We cannot empower others either. This is actually energetic slavery.
(but we can support others coming into their own power by living our own and encouraging them to do the same)
My teacher Mada can't fix or save me. But because of her own awakening and having moved through her own journey to reach an advanced understanding of the ego and the unconscious, because of that she can be a loving guide and a fierce mirror for me. I know this in my depths.
Some people see what I'm doing and don't understand it. I know some think i'm involved with a cult or being brain washed or a follower. I have been afraid of those projections. But the truth is those projections come from their own brainwashed state. They are living out fear and ideologies and haven't experienced their own truth, so they can't recognize or understand mine.
I think I got off topic a bit. Because what I really want to say is that we can transform our pain. Our victimization. Our feelings and beliefs of not being good enough or equal. We can transform the history of oppression so that we don't have to keep living it out.
Feel and acknowledge the pain, let the victim speak. To heal. Don't mistake the victim as power though, she doesn't yet know power. It's when we journey through and come out of the illusion that we are victims that we start to know what power truly is.
Because if we don't we are in danger of becoming the oppressor. How heartbreaking is that?
We will never find outside of us what can only exist within. I know this, not as a concept or fluffy idea to believe in and just throw around to wash over the challenges, but as a reality in my being that I've seen and experienced personally.
#DalianMethod #SelfEmpowerment #Freedom #SelfLove #ThankYouMada #ThankYouToAllEnlightenedMasters #ThankYouFellowSeekers
“Negative emotions are toxic to your physical health”
This is one of those statements lacking real practical wisdom. I have not found this view, however popular, to be beneficial.
Yes it’s true that our mental and emotional state affect our physical health and can contribute to illness. It’s good to be aware of how everything is connected. Yet the idea that our emotions are toxic can, ironically, contribute to the very toxicity we want to avoid.
Here is why...
No emotion in itself is toxic. Even rage. What makes it toxic is repressing it. When we believe the mind that judges an emotion as “wrong” or "bad" or “toxic” we are repressing that emotion.
Anything repressed will cause problems
Judging all my anger as toxic = repression = more struggle and fighting with myself = suffering = staying unconscious of the messages life is sending me = toxic.
We will also end up taking it out on other people because it will find an outlet. It has to. It will either come out passive-aggressively or as an explosion because emotions are not meant to be forced away or pushed down. If we reach a reactive explosion point, we can feel shocked and guilty and try to control ourselves more. In an attempt to avoid the shame we might rationalize or blame someone or ourselves. This all keeps the unhealthy repressive cycle going until we have a deeper understanding.
I think stress is misunderstood too. Chronic stress needs to be addressed, but avoiding all stress to me would mean to avoid growth. For example we can certainly feel great pressure in the midst of transformation. If we are stepping into something new we will feel uncomfortable. If we only saw the pressure as toxic and felt we should always feel peaceful and calm, would that be helpful? It would be very limiting wouldn't it?
Accepting our "negative" emotions and finding healthy ways to express and explore them benefits us in so many ways.
Our emotions are wise messengers.
**Acceptance of our emotions doesn't mean we believe and act on them without awareness. Emotions themselves are not necessarily the wisdom, but allowing them and exploring them free of judgment brings us to wisdom.
A couple of years ago (actually I don’t know when exactly, I’m just guessing) I noticed this growing anxiety whenever a cop car was behind me or near me while driving. This got to the point of being pretty uncomfortable.
So I found a way to calm myself.
I would first check a few things: driving the speed limit...check! got my seat belt on...check! staying in my own lane...check! I would make sure I wasn’t driving like a drunk person (which is funny because I rarely drink alcohol these days). I then would tell myself that they just happened to be behind me and I haven’t done anything wrong, so there's no reason to be nervous. Very logical and rational right? Yeah and it helped me feel calm and sane (in control). So it became my routine.
I did my routine one particular morning on the way to work when a cop car was right behind me. Okay, all good. When I left for my lunch break, it happened again. So yep I did the routine, no problem. But then on the same day on my way home from work, it happened again! What?!? Wait! Okay, hmmm. Life is trying to tell me something here.
This time I did something very different. I instinctively went directly into my body and just felt the sensations. No checklist. No self talk. No plan. No mental process at all. Just pure feeling. I ended up shaking in fear so much I had to stop so I could focus on driving. Wow, I couldn’t believe how strong the panic was!
At home I did a Dalian Method™ healing session on myself. When I followed this thread that began with fear of cops, all kinds of fears surfaced. Much of it related to many types of authority figures, not just the police. I was able to transform so much at the root source. Most of it was childhood memories and thoughts circulating in my unconscious.
Three childhood memories stand out right now from that healing session: In first grade I had an abusive teacher who hit me for not following her directions. Secondly I witnessed police being threatening to others (who to me were innocent and kind people) which scared me at such a young age. Lastly I was affected by hot-tempered adults I grew up around (as children we are so sensitive, we are like sponges for adults’ unresolved emotions).
As I cleared these issues I saw everything with a fresh perspective. I saw that my whole life, that even when I thought I wasn’t intimidated (I would have probably denied it had someone told me I was in fear) I still had a tendency to be submissive around any person I viewed as an authority. I saw how often I made myself small to avoid anger and confrontation. I saw how often I held back when I disagreed with people, I even suppressed mildly differing opinions.
Most importantly, after transforming all that fear and submissiveness, I saw that all this shrinking back was not necessary anymore. My inner child felt free, empowered, and strong. I began to truly see people, regardless of their status, job, or role, as my equal.
Last year (I’m guessing again) I got pulled over by a policeman for expired plates. When I interacted with the officer I felt completely at ease. No tension. No anxiety. I saw him for what he really was. Just another human being. I’m human. He’s human. That was suddenly SO obvious to me. I even calmly corrected him when he got my personal information wrong. He apologized for the mistake.
I never thought I would be so happy getting a ticket! Ha! But I was!
So if I would have just continued to use my routine (my rational mind) to calm myself down I would have missed an opportunity to free myself of a lifelong unconscious pattern.
And this is just the story that wanted to be told. But I have so many more stories of healing like this that began by something that at first seemed like an irrational or illogical reaction in me.
So it’s not always smart to stay rational is it? In fact rational, at times, can be another word for controlled.
Using our thoughts to make ourselves feel better may be understandable and even appropriate at times. But if we haven't yet seen the root of a recurring issue, we are actually just putting a temporary band-aid on the situation, a situation that when explored deeper, in our body and unconscious, can open us up to profound leaps in awareness.
I’ve been exploring what ‘life purpose’ really means.
When I was younger and not happy with my life, I wanted to find the work that would fulfill me. If I’m going to spend so much of my life in a job or career I want it to be joyful and fun.
I didn’t know what I wanted to do and had very little I felt passionate about. And all the questionnaires and books on choosing a career or finding my purpose didn’t help me.
I eventually came to the idea to travel the world. When I was traveling I felt so free and spontaneous and excited about life. I lived in the moment. I felt alive. I wanted to feel that all the time. Not just on the occasional trip.
But world travel didn’t work out for me.
So then I had an idea to live off the grid and not be dependent on a system that I felt was unhealthy, repressive, and corrupt. I wanted to learn to grow my own food and be liberated from doing pointless unsustainable things, like mowing the lawn or consuming in a way that was destructive to our planet.
Never did that either.
I’m glad I didn’t. While these things may be right for another person, they weren’t right for me. They were actually my attempts to escape my problems. I didn’t see that the way my life has unfolded was a result of my past experiences and unconscious limiting beliefs.
I didn’t know that in order to create something new, I have to see how I've created my problems. That’s where true creative power is. I can’t create the good stuff while pretending that I have no responsibility in creating my struggles and pain. The two aspects are deeply connected.
I ended up living the very life I was set on avoiding. Living in the midwest working an office job.
But it has been exactly what I needed. In so many amazing and unexpected ways.
Of course we want to live a meaningful joyful life. But we often don’t know what that truly looks like and when our grand plans aren’t supported by Existence, no matter how badly we want it, there is usually a very good reason.
As stubborn as I am at times, I’m learning to trust my Soul and Existence. The big picture is so much more intelligent than my own limited ego.
I don’t think life purpose means to do something that compensates for what we believe is lacking. I think it means a step by step journey into the unknown that takes us into the direction of our greatest growth. Which often is in the direction of our greatest fears and challenges.
It may even go against everything we thought we knew about ourselves.
What I'm doing now in my life is more fulfilling and rewarding than my plans and expectations could ever have been. It is also a bigger and deeper joy than the "happy" I was pursuing when I was younger.
The thoughts rolling around in my head don’t really create my outer reality.
I’ve had “negative” situations show up when my mental state is positive. I’ve had positive events happen while having “negative” or fearful thoughts.
What does have immense power to attract things to me and shape my life is my unconscious beliefs.
And I don’t see the Law of Attraction as a system of rewards and punishments.
It is Life setting me up to become more Conscious. It is a reminder of what I came here to do. It is guidance to where my greatest growth is.
I don’t even call it the Law of Attraction. I call it having a Relationship with Existence.
And that Relationship is a Loving one. Even when it doesn’t feel like it. Even when the lesson I’m learning is a very hard one. Existence cares. Deeply.
I came here to fulfill a potential inside me and it would be very convenient to forget that.
The Whole cares for ALL of it’s parts. Every part is unique. I see it like a puzzle. If the pieces of the puzzle were the same they could not come together to create the Big Picture.
Sometimes we have to go through a grinding down of who we aren't to get to who we are. But coming to our original shape is worth it.
Let’s let LIFE show us our ‘piece’.
When we become totally disillusioned
When hope is dissolving
When the outer takes the complete opposite route to all that feels humane and right
When the world disappoints us and breaks our heart
and it all seems dark and heartless and meaningless and pointless...
This is such an unexpectedly beautiful place to be, if you are patient enough.
So don't reach for the old hope you had.
Don't sugarcoat it with false hope, as tempting as that can be.
Something new is being born.
Something very precious.
This is the turning point. A place where you have no choice but to ask deeper questions.
What if the world never comes to peace?
What if ‘they’ never change?
What is the purpose of it all?
Why am I here?
(find your own genuine question, it’s already there)
Maybe now you can start to head towards the true source of Peace. True source of Meaning, of Humanity, Wholeness and Love.
Maybe now you will give up.
Give up waiting for someone to come be the hero.
Give up spending tons of energy trying to be someone else’s hero.
Give up hoping the world will reflect something beautiful back to you (it will, but only at the right time).
The world, other people, they are not here to fulfill our dreams and hopes. They do not exist to make us happy and conform to our expectations.
Well, not in the way we have been taught.
They exist to help us learn and evolve.
And we need both, the light and the dark.
And we know which one we need to work with because that is what is showing up.
All that we long for, even if we find it 'out there', unless it also sparks an Inner Revolution, it won't really satisfy for the long haul.
So don’t be so quick to dis your disillusionment.
Leela Haris ~ E x p a n d i n g Consciousness