My personal experience with Bipolar “Disorder”.

I was diagnosed as Bipolar in my late twenties.

Later on through this inner healing process, I began to experience something – My Center.

I discovered that I had a place inside me, this center that stayed unchanged and unaffected throughout all my changing moods, energies, and states.

This changed everything for me because part of the pain of what they call Bipolar is that when I was up, I would lose myself in it. So then when I was down, I would lose myself in that too.

Having a center, I can ride the waves for what they are. What I mean by this is that I’ve realized that any wave I’m experiencing is not permanent. It’s naturally going to change. When I’m feeling good and excited and happy, I enjoy it very much.

But when I thought that this up state was an achievement and I gave it a lot of importance and thought it should be permanent - and forgot that there are lots of other experiences in life - well then when it changed to the down, I would feel so devastated. I felt I had lost something precious. (Now I realize I don't lose anything, I am gaining deeper access into myself and my center)

Being more centered I don’t do this near as much. But I haven’t stopped experiencing the differing waves. In fact, I like being able to feel it all more deeply now.

In the up wave, I feel motivated, energized, creative, and excited. I have visions. I see solutions. I work hard at things.

And I trust that.

In the down wave I feel slow, less energy, unenthusiastic, not overly motivated, and introspective. I’ve learned to appreciate this wave now as restful. A relaxing pause before the next wave of energy.

I trust this too.

Up & Down. Day & Night. I need both.

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When a wave throws me way off my center or is very painful, it is often time for a healing session, and in that healing, I get to discover more about myself - an opportunity for a breakthrough.
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I use common phrases the medical system uses so I can communicate something. But I stopped defining myself by its labels or explanations. And its proposed causes & solutions have not been real for me (brain chemistry was not the cause but a symptom & medications never provided the deep change I was truly looking for. I stopped taking them over a decade ago.)

This is not a statement on what is right for another or whether anyone else should take medication or not. This is just an honest account of my healing journey.
​

Feelings of anger and frustration came up for me this week. Yet also heaviness and resistance at the thought of facing and exploring these feelings. The anger and frustration was triggered by recent world and U.S. events.
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Ugh, it’s too much, I just wanted to numb it all and go to sleep.

But I knew I needed to work with these feelings.

I started expressing it and the feelings of anger and frustration grew stronger and just kept coming, over and over. It felt endless as I traveled through this anger. I kept saying “I hate this situation!” and “I hate being here!”. Resistance and tiredness still in my body as I traveled back through many lifetimes. I felt acute frustration with this f***ing broken-record of experience on this planet: The same manipulation, the same darkness, the same hypnosis that uses fear to control people. 

At times I would break into tears of sadness and helplessness. 

I kept going knowing I was releasing all this from the cells in my body. I needed to express for all the times I felt these things but pushed it down.

Some of the anger was at myself from participating in this darkness. Some of it was from being forced to censor myself. At other times anger at being severely punished for standing out. Further memories came at being publicly punished and humiliated and used as an example to instill fear in others. 

GRRRRR. It felt like this primal Tiger in me that just kept growling, and roaring, and wanting to rip everything up!

But then a deeper experience of this primal energy came and this part did not feel like a wound. I was now accessing tremendous power. This anger was proof that I am alive. Proof that I know what doesn’t feel right. Proof that I know the difference between a lie and the truth. 

The tiredness and heaviness was released and I felt energized and awake.

Then this primal power roar shifted again and became even bigger. Now it was like tidal waves moving through me! I allowed it to flow and it felt like a delicious and loving fire burning through and lighting up my body. Yet it also extended far beyond my body and personal self.

I then realized something: This is not mine. This is the collective. 

But then the question came to me: Why do I need to feel and know about this collective expression of anger and power? What’s the point?

The answer: To voice and share it.

Many may be feeling this but stuffing it down, misunderstanding it, moralizing it and judging it. So that is why I am to share this. 

But then more came. 

An incredible vision.
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It filled me with awe and tears of joy started to flow.

I saw the masses in unison saying “NO MORE”. All of humanity raising our fists in the air. This powerful collective energy surged through all beings and the entire planet. This powerful “NO MORE” did not feel violent, it did not feel thirsty for revenge, it did not feel divisive, projective or harmful. It felt AMAZING!

It felt like 

LIFE.

It felt like OUR HEARTS

It felt like OUR POWER

It felt like OUR LOVE

It felt like all of us being vehicles for LIGHT

The light in us seemed to me to be saying:
WE ARE DONE NOW WITH THIS
WE ARE DONE WITH YOUR ENDLESS WARS.
WE ARE DONE FIGHTING AMONGST EACH OTHER.
WE ARE DONE COMPETING WITH EACH OTHER.
WE ARE DONE HARMING EACH OTHER.
WE ARE DONE LETTING OUR CHILDREN BE ABUSED AND INDOCTRINATED.

We are now ready to protect LIFE. 

OUR LIFE
 
OUR RIGHTS -
TO LIVE FULLY
TO SPEAK
TO FLOURISH
TO LOVE
TO BE ABUNDANT
TO BE GIFTED AND POWERFUL AND HONEST AND LOVING
TO AWAKEN 

WE ARE NOT PLAYING YOUR GAME ANYMORE.

WE SEE THROUGH IT NOW

So who are we shouting all this to? 

A small group of elite but hidden people who control and hoard this planet’s resources. They feed not just off accumulating money and false power, they feed off our fear and trauma and suffering.

They intentionally create wars just to feed their appetites. Not just military war between countries though, they also intentionally fuel race and class wars and division among us. They love it when we hate each other. They love it when we fear each other and compete. They love it when we feel helpless and need someone to save us.

They feed off it all like hungry vampires and zombies. They spread their vampiric ways to humanity so that we all think we are broken, wrong, limited, and sinful.

They promote ideas of scarcity while hoarding. 

But what came to me is that the scarcity isn’t real and that this planet has plenty for all of us to live happy and abundant and fulfilling lives.
 
In this vision we shout this “NO MORE” not just in solidarity against the elite darkness, but also, or maybe more importantly, as a collective DECISION. 

As an energetic unveiling into a new paradigm of Unity. Out of realizing that our differences do not need to be reason for war and suffering.

We are all citizens of Earth and the Universe, we all belong here. Every race and ethnicity brings wisdom. Every path to the divine has its purpose and contribution. Every way of life has a learning for the soul that gravitates to it.

This kind of Unity that I envision though does not ask us to fit in and compromise our deeper truths and our individuality. It does not censor us or require us to be homogeneous. In fact I envision a very colorful and diverse magical world where we can all shine in our uniqueness.

There are different ideas of how to best be together in an organized society though (or not organized if that’s what you feel is best). I see us forming smaller groups to live the way we want. These smaller groups are not created out of separation though and do not exist in opposition to each other. They exist to bring about creativity and human potential. There is no competition between the groups, only mutual respect even though we see things differently. No one imposes their ideas onto others or needs to compete for resources. 

The groups are created so that each person has a chance to honor themselves and live in the way they feel most in alignment with. People are free to visit and come and go among the groups which will be scattered all across our beautiful planet. 

The groups will provide an opportunity for souls to come here and joyfully learn according to what they need to experience to continue evolving in their journey on Earth and through the Universe.

But this new paradigm will not include violence, control, or repressive right/wrong beliefs. The Souls that need to learn through that kind of thing will have to go elsewhere. 

Many people think this vision of a new world I describe is impossible because they think humans are inherently dumb, broken, flawed, greedy, and violent. I think that with time we will come to realize this as a limiting belief of the past that we’ve been hypnotized with and has very little to do with our true nature, which is love. I think this will be seen more and more when light overtakes darkness on this planet. 

I don’t know when or how this will come about. But I feel excited at all the possibilities!

For now, we each can heal our history and continue evolving and discover this in our own hearts and lives. 

I’ve been working on this habit of mine to avoid things that I assume I won’t enjoy.
 
There were small trees sprouting up very close to the house I live in. I didn’t want to procrastinate any longer on getting them removed. (sad for the trees I know, but they can damage the house and I feel responsible for caring for the house).
 
I finally got the right equipment to cut them down. Leading up to doing it and while doing this project my mind kept saying “I can’t do it. This is too hard and too much work”.
 
It was fascinating to me to observe this thought looping over and over. At one point I had already cut down 2 trees and the thought was still there “This is too hard”. I’m familiar with this thought and I notice how often it comes up in my daily life when I try to accomplish something and how it can make me feel tired and overwhelmed. Then I avoid dealing with or completing the project.
 
After cutting nearly all the trees down, I then paused for a moment and just said to myself-to my own mind:  “I’m doing it. Right now. And it’s not even that hard!”. It was funny how I was talking back to that thought and showing it the evidence of how I can do this and it’s pretty easy. I needed to do that to energize myself because that thought process was draining me.
 
In my body and energetic visceral experience this tree project was easy and it was even fun. I liked being outside in the fresh air and telling the little tree souls to have a good journey onward.
 
My mind made it a struggle because I was doing something that takes me even a little out of my usual world and however small the action seems, it expands me and gives me joy to accomplish it. The mind though, likes to keep life restricted.
 
So now when I have that “I can’t do it, it’s too hard” thought, I often pause and can give myself an experience beyond my mind’s assumption.

I felt happy when I took the above photo after I was done. I love to stop and celebrate every little hurdle overcome.
​
What about you? Have you had an experience like this where a thought process was so obviously not reality?

Recently I was missing a man I’ve been experiencing a deep connection with. In particular, I felt this longing to feel his physical body close and to feel his arms around me firmly. To feel our skin touch.

As I was feeling this I started to wonder if or how I could give what I longed for - to myself. I felt a curiosity about what can be possible if I explored this.

I then, without thinking, walked into my bedroom and removed all my clothes, and laid down on my back on my soft bed. I ran my hands through my hair and spread it around me. I began touching the sides of my face and then moved my hand gently across my shoulders and chest.

I said out loud “I love you Leela”. I kept saying this as I moved both hands over more areas of my body. I wanted to attend to all of me.

“I love you Leela” out loud, over and over. I began feeling more warmth inside.
​
Initially, some thoughts floated through my mind saying “This is not as good as being loved by him” and “This is silly, it won’t do anything”.

But I kept going and more energy moved sweetly through my body with subtle electricity. This felt intimate and I felt turned on but in a way of just feeling more alive, not strongly sexual (at least not in the sense of how we usually think of ‘sexual’).

Then there was a moment where the “I love you Leela” was no longer feeling like just me saying this. It seemed to be coming from beyond me, that it was the universe saying “I love you Leela”. My energy began expanding and my body felt lightweight.

Lately, I have been so drawn to being around and connecting to men. I’ve been loving and desiring the feeling of masculine energy (and in women that have that too). This is from wanting to feel contained.

As I have been opening my heart more and becoming much more vulnerable (sometimes fear, pain, or discomfort comes) - I have been awed at the support that shows up. So many times someone responds to me with exquisite kindness and care or wisdom or I hear something or read something that is exactly what I need in that moment.

So back to loving myself - as my hands moved down my body while feeling the universe tell me it loves me, it felt especially good to feel my hands caress down my legs and the best part was pressing the palm of my hand against the bottom of my foot and hearing “I love you Leela”. I then felt more contained.

It was nice being made love to like this from myself and the universe, to feel that quiet bigness of love all around me and inside me. To dissolve some of that feeling of being separate from life.

*** One way I would describe what feeling contained means: Have you ever walked and was unsure of where the ground is under your feet? That feeling of being wobbly and unsure and that you might fall at any moment? Feeling contained for me is the opposite of that - a feeling of the ground being very there, very strong and solid as it lovingly meets my feet.

​Have you done anything kind for yourself lately? I would love to receive it in the comments. Nakedness not required :)

I’ve discovered something. I measured the size of the heart and it is the same size as the universe.
 
It is that big! It can open that much! It can vibrate out to the edge of ALL that is.
 
This has been an extraordinary discovery for me.
 
And another discovery: I've often felt the heart to be warm and sweet - yet there is something else.
 
The heart is wild. SO WILD.
 
I am not speaking of the idea of the heart in our mind. I am speaking about that place in your chest. That very physical place that beats inside you. That pumps and cleanses life through you. You feel it don't you? You can put your hand there now as you read and feel these words. ❤️
 
It is wild because of how little it knows. How little it knows of how to behave. Of that it is not supposed to love big or hurt big. It doesn’t know of such a thing as "too far". Of how and who it should be allowed to love. It doesn't know about should and shouldn't. It doesn't know that you are different from me. It doesn't know we are not supposed to love each other. It does not know the labels we hide under or put on each other. It doesn't know that I'm "here" and you are over "there".
 
It doesn't have those ideas. The heart isn't smart in that way. Thank god for you foolish heart. Thank God because God IS a foolish heart.
 
But the heart does know.
 
The heart knows when it is time to open. The heart knows who to open to. When to laugh. When to cry. And when to softly close and wait. Wait for the warmth she needs. The warmth she deserves. She finds that she can keep herself warm.
 
The heart also breaks.
 
The grief. The pain. Loss. Attachments we want to grip onto but still get torn from us.
 
The hurt from the stab of a cruel word. The hurt of being turned away "Your love is not allowed here. Be serious. Be realistic."
 
The heart breaking open..
 
Breaking us open to life.
 
And then the sadness from the disconnect.
 
As I feel layers of armor melt from me. As I remove more clothes and coverings. As I feel more ecstatic, more raw, and naked, and in moments this pulsating at the edge of an unknown forest:  I see a world that might be moving the opposite way.
 
Questions come to me: Is this going to be permanent? This way of not getting physically close to another? Bodies hugging in public becoming rare? Is it going to be a thing now to minimize exposure of mouth and nose and obscuring the face? To not breathe in too much oxygen? Will these things become another “too risky”? Too dangerous? Or even dirty and wrong?
 
Are we to sanitize all of it? All the time?
 
Is this how it is now?
 
And something inside cries out - “please don't. Please world. Don't go that way!”
 
It hurts to see this and feel this.
 
Then things settle and this heart calmly says: Well okay world you will do what you do and I don't think it's in me to fight you, but I want you to know something - If you decide to go that way. I will not be going with you. I will find and discover another world.
 
I don't wanna sanitize this. The heart wants to stay wild.

My father had a brief stay in the hospital once (it turned out to be nothing serious).
 
Several of us were visiting and had gathered around him as he rested in his hospital bed. He and my young nephew were hungry so someone brought some burgers and fries.
 
While eating my father offered my little nephew one of his fries. My nephew instinctively and gleefully took it and gobbled it up.
 
My nephew's father (my brother), alarmed at this, said to him:

“No No, don't take grandpa's food. You have your own."

Even though he was just simply accepting a gift that was joyfully & freely offered to him.
 
A few moments later, ignoring my brother's lecture, grandpa offers him another fry.
 
This time my nephew raises his hand and waves it in objection and says "no, I can't take it".
 
My brother beamed in pride at seeing this and there was a moment of admiration in the room about how kind and good my nephew is.
 
But as I watched this unfold I knew my little innocent nephew wasn't truly BEING kind, he was following the orders he was given for how to behave. It wasn't coming from his heart's truth.
 
He wanted the fry but learned in that moment how to act differently.
 
This is how most of our human population is. We experience many moments like my nephew that shape us to act a certain way. With time we start to believe the act is who we are.
 
We then expect and ask others to act accordingly too.
 
Many are also like my brother, trying to raise a good child. Maybe even a good christian who believes in and follows god. They want their children to be a force of something good and an example of what they believe is right. Perhaps also wanting them to get to heaven someday.
 
But in our programmed  "good behavior", in our false humbleness and "niceness", we are far from our innate goodness, God is farthest from us in those times. Because God is what we are, when we are BEING what we are.
 
I have been where my nephew is, trying to survive in this upside-down world. I have been the others in the room admiring "how sweet he is" and I have so often been my brother, passing down my belief & control patterns to vulnerable ones.
 
But....
 
GOD was already there, saying YES to the french fry.
​

​On the periphery we each have our stories, diverse experiences, and unique way of being in the world.
​
At our core, in our center, is something beyond our personal identity.

This is the only place where I’ve glimpsed true equality and unity.

This place is also sometimes called the zero-point. Where nothing is happening and yet all is possible.

It’s peaceful, restful, clarifying, and nourishing. It’s also where empathy arises from.

I sense that this core center in us, is also the center of the entire universe.

Many of the messages of equality or unity say that we have to make it happen somewhere 'out there'. You have to behave this or that way. You can say this, but you can’t say that. You have to fix this or that problem in the system and to do that you have to be this or that way.

But it’s often only about the periphery.

Trying to change just our periphery, we can end up compromising our unique way of being.
Our unique way of being is the path to the center.

I’ve lived the first 35 years of my life trying to change or fix the periphery. I didn’t know there was anything else to who I was or to life. I didn’t know because I was living in survival mode.

This shift from survival surface living to more expansive living is in some ways like going from a heavy, colorless, one-dimensional, and hostile world to living in a place that is often vibrant, multi-dimensional, spontaneous, and full of wonder. Not always, but often.

If I would have read my own words 10 years ago this would go right over my head. It needs to come from experience. But the words are there to help encourage and validate the experience.
​

,Creating a better world that allows our human potential to thrive has to involve making the world kinder for children.

In order to make the world a kinder place for children we must first become aware of what harms them.

In order to become aware of what harms them, we must first become aware of how we adults have been manipulated and harmed.

One of the biggest problems globally is the epidemic of child abuse. More specifically massive pedophilia and sex trafficking kept in place by those in the highest positions of power. Politics and Religious organizations are two major things keeping this in place.

While millions are embroiled in and distracted by sensationalism around Trump, the real harm continues by those presenting their "nice" faces and telling people what they want to hear and playing out the noble good guy/woman facade. The Obamas, the Clintons, The Pope, Joe Biden (I have to mention him since he is running) - just a few examples of people knowingly involved in enslavement and sex trafficking of children.

Many many children are being traumatized everyday. They are used like objects to be bartered and passed around and god knows what else.

There are many people involved in this. With varying levels of willingness.

I am not trying to bring anyone down or pull you into negativity. If you are confused at any time by why I'm saying all this, re-read my first 3 statements.

This may be new or not new to you. But the information is out there and evident for anyone willing to see it. If you want proof you can do your own research and decide for yourself. There is no shortage of people speaking out about this.

Now, here is something important I want to say regarding all this:

It's not about blame or retaliation. It's about awareness. The harm and abuse and those that are most benefiting from it, yes this needs to be exposed before anything significant can change. There does need to be protection put in place so abusers cannot continue to abuse and consequences for those perpetuating this.

But if it's done from a place of wanting to punish out of retaliation, it will just continue the unconsciousness. As I see it "evil" is just an extreme form of unconsciousness. Many say that there are beings of evil that cannot heal or rehabilitate. I disagree. It's not that it's impossible to heal or change, it's just that some are just so invested in violence and deep in hatred and darkness that they do not want to change. For each being it has to be a choice to heal and change. No one can heal or rehabilitate another if they do not want it. I think the mistake that people can make is assuming everyone wants the same things. You have to see people for where they are and not what you want them to be.

Another thing to consider, above I said there is various willingness from those who participate in the abuse. What I mean by that is that some people deep down would like to leave that world of abuse but feel they cannot. They perceive themselves to be trapped there. They have grown up being severely abused and threatened and may have been forced or pushed into abusing others. They are convinced they are bad people not realizing that it was setup that way to keep them tethered and unable to break free.

This is how the cycle continues.

So forgiveness and compassion with eyes open has to be part of all this. Also, we each have dark and light within us. Those that have not seen, faced, and healed enough of their own inner trauma and darkness will either not see it when it's right in front of them or they will just want violence against those involved.

I sense the light on this planet is growing and that as the light grows, it exposes the darkness. I have observed how this happens within us personally and also how it plays out on the world stage.

Many are saying no to any conspiracies, they don't want to hear it. And it's your right to choose what information and views you want to be open to. This can be needed even in order to help yourself adjust to the changes you may already be going through.

But I've often heard the phrase "conspiracy theorist" in a derogatory way. It can even have a lot of animosity and aggression in how it's used. People can conveniently dismiss a perspective or someone as "crazy" so as not to acknowledge discomfort or have to self-reflect.

Personally, these days, I have been taken in less information about what's happening in the world. Right now, I'm exploring myself and going deeper within my own experience and intuition.

If I need to know something I trust my intuition will alert me.

But I'm personally grateful for all the out-of-the-box content I've come across over the years. I also like seeing all the perspectives and rebels in my newsfeed. Especially glad for those that stick their necks out to shake up the status quo.

Over the years some of the information I've come across has shocked me, some of it disturbed me, some of it I had no idea what to do with or no way to prove or disprove.

By noticing my triggers and reactions to outside information, it's helped me do several things:

- See through my conditionings and naiveness

- Loosen dependency and trust in systems outside of myself

- Acknowledge, face, and transcend a lot of fear of dark things

- Discern between believing (or not believing) and knowing

- Trust myself and navigate from a deeper more intelligent sense in me than my intellect (the contrasting perspectives, often very extreme differences in views, were so confusing, it forced me to let go of my mind).

So we can choose to take in information or not. We can agree or not.

But I don't like any call for censorship of ideas. I don't care how noble the agenda seems. In fact, if there's ever a time to allow for everyone to have their perspectives and to explore possibilities, I think it is now.

True knowing is more likely to arise within an atmosphere of freedom and exploration.

Have you noticed how confusion and chaos often precede profound innovation?
​

Recently I was struggling with my mind and was experiencing exhaustion. I could barely focus on anything longer than a few minutes and the exhaustion felt deep and existential. 

My thoughts were around how it's all so meaningless. I'm too tired to care. What's the point? It's all so meaningless. So much suffering (mine and others). So many lifetimes of seeking, of trying and what has it done? Nothing. I have nothing to show for any of it.

I'm used to going through darkness and rough patches and ups and downs (it's natural for all of us sincere seekers at different phases. The light gets lighter but the dark also gets darker).

But this time I thought I'd share since we are going through what I see as an unprecedented shift and time on this planet. In case it is of help to anyone.

But more than the difficulties, I want to also share the awareness that came to me this morning after my relentless mind finally surrendered it's need to know and be in control.

Out of the peaceful void I was resting in, this understanding came to me:

There is no controlling what is happening on this planet.

The dark will do what it does. The light will do what it does.

Our true being is beyond all of it. Humans are no longer in control over this planet. This is a good thing, existence is doing what needs to be done.

What is happening is not just beyond our control, it's also beyond our human comprehension. We can know bits and pieces. That's all. That's enough. 

Certainty is an illusion, we never had it but are now much more aware of it. This is bringing up a lot of pain and suffering. But the suffering has always been there. We were more able to avoid this through having our identity and sense of self-centered importance be constantly affirmed through our busyness and attachments. This is all being exposed as false. 

It's painful.

Nothing and no one outside of our mind is the real cause of our pain.

We can care for our well-being and for our loved ones. But we cannot choose who will stay and who will go. It's the choice of each Soul. 

We are losing our identity as humans and joining the rest of the universe. The only way out is to transform the layers of separateness created by our ego and re-join the universe.

We are so much more than human, we are cosmic beings. ❤️