I’ve been working on this habit of mine to avoid things that I assume I won’t enjoy.
There were small trees sprouting up very close to the house I live in. I didn’t want to procrastinate any longer on getting them removed. (sad for the trees I know, but they can damage the house and I feel responsible for caring for the house). I finally got the right equipment to cut them down. Leading up to doing it and while doing this project my mind kept saying “I can’t do it. This is too hard and too much work”. It was fascinating to me to observe this thought looping over and over. At one point I had already cut down 2 trees and the thought was still there “This is too hard”. I’m familiar with this thought and I notice how often it comes up in my daily life when I try to accomplish something and how it can make me feel tired and overwhelmed. Then I avoid dealing with or completing the project. After cutting nearly all the trees down, I then paused for a moment and just said to myself-to my own mind: “I’m doing it. Right now. And it’s not even that hard!”. It was funny how I was talking back to that thought and showing it the evidence of how I can do this and it’s pretty easy. I needed to do that to energize myself because that thought process was draining me. In my body and energetic visceral experience this tree project was easy and it was even fun. I liked being outside in the fresh air and telling the little tree souls to have a good journey onward. My mind made it a struggle because I was doing something that takes me even a little out of my usual world and however small the action seems, it expands me and gives me joy to accomplish it. The mind though, likes to keep life restricted. So now when I have that “I can’t do it, it’s too hard” thought, I often pause and can give myself an experience beyond my mind’s assumption. I felt happy when I took the above photo after I was done. I love to stop and celebrate every little hurdle overcome. What about you? Have you had an experience like this where a thought process was so obviously not reality?
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“Words have Energy” This is very true, and I’ve discovered that it’s not just the words by themselves but the energy that comes through them from the one who expresses them.
The exact same statement made by two different people can have a very different meaning and essence (or even when said at different times by the same person). For example: Let’s say that I have triggered anger in two people and they both express to me “I’m angry” “I’m angry” Person #1 This person says they are angry because they are just honestly expressing the truth of what they are experiencing. This one is rare but one I like to receive, because it is honest, courageous, and vulnerable even if it challenges me. They are allowing their anger, exploring it, letting it live, taking kind care of it. They are honoring themselves. They are not trying to manipulate or harm or blame with it. This can even result in me feeling a flowing of compassion towards them. “I’m angry Person ” #2 This person’s “I’m angry” is very different. It can energetically feel to me something similar to a stab in my heart or being hit with an object. I might suddenly have negative thoughts out of nowhere. I might feel weak or drained. This person is blaming me, judging me, or even feeling hatred towards me at that moment. They are making me responsible for their feelings. This person is unwilling or unable to honor or care for themselves in that experience. They may even carry self-hatred or shame and therefore project that on me instead of finding a way to get support or help themselves. They may even tell me “I’m just expressing my truth” but I can feel inside myself whether that’s the intent or not. So same statement, but two very different worlds happening behind them! I separated these into two categories but in reality it could be a mix of the two and could contain many things. For example on #2 I might sense that the person believes they are not free to live as they choose and are angry at me for living in a way they believe they aren’t capable of (which is not ultimately true, but related to limiting beliefs they carry). Another example: “I love you” “I love you” #1 The person is saying this as a spontaneous sharing of the love that is arising for them in that moment. It’s not said with unconscious unspoken expectations (this can be vulnerable for them since the person hearing them may not share the same feeling or may reject it) “I love you” #2 This person may say “I love you” but it might just be said out of habit (i’ve been working on this one myself) or because it’s expected. or because they want to hear it from the other. They may be needing attention and love rather than actually feeling that love within themselves. It might be loaded with pain, craving, or even demand. This can feel heavy or draining. These are just examples and it could easily have a bit of both: sincerity/honesty and expectation/dishonesty. ***** I notice that if I have a strong attachment or association with certain words I can miss the energy and intention they come from (my mind/emotions getting in the way). I’ve been very much exploring these things first and always in myself. I only know the "people" in these examples because I have been them too. It's been fulfilling and heart-expanding though as I step out of the inauthentic patterning of my past to more truthful, grounded, and self-responsible expressions in the here & now. ***** This a big topic and I've only just scratched the surface here, but what's your experience with this? Would love to receive it in the comments. 
My father had a brief stay in the hospital once (it turned out to be nothing serious).
Several of us were visiting and had gathered around him as he rested in his hospital bed. He and my young nephew were hungry so someone brought some burgers and fries. While eating my father offered my little nephew one of his fries. My nephew instinctively and gleefully took it and gobbled it up. My nephew's father (my brother), alarmed at this, said to him: “No No, don't take grandpa's food. You have your own." Even though he was just simply accepting a gift that was joyfully & freely offered to him. A few moments later, ignoring my brother's lecture, grandpa offers him another fry. This time my nephew raises his hand and waves it in objection and says "no, I can't take it". My brother beamed in pride at seeing this and there was a moment of admiration in the room about how kind and good my nephew is. But as I watched this unfold I knew my little innocent nephew wasn't truly BEING kind, he was following the orders he was given for how to behave. It wasn't coming from his heart's truth. He wanted the fry but learned in that moment how to act differently. This is how most of our human population is. We experience many moments like my nephew that shape us to act a certain way. With time we start to believe the act is who we are. We then expect and ask others to act accordingly too. Many are also like my brother, trying to raise a good child. Maybe even a good christian who believes in and follows god. They want their children to be a force of something good and an example of what they believe is right. Perhaps also wanting them to get to heaven someday. But in our programmed "good behavior", in our false humbleness and "niceness", we are far from our innate goodness, God is farthest from us in those times. Because God is what we are, when we are BEING what we are. I have been where my nephew is, trying to survive in this upside-down world. I have been the others in the room admiring "how sweet he is" and I have so often been my brother, passing down my belief & control patterns to vulnerable ones. But.... GOD was already there, saying YES to the french fry. 
"Zero-Point" by Leela Haris, Tempera on 18x24 140lb Watercolor Paper
On the periphery we each have our stories, diverse experiences, and unique way of being in the world. At our core, in our center, is something beyond our personal identity. This is the only place where I’ve glimpsed true equality and unity. This place is also sometimes called the zero-point. Where nothing is happening and yet all is possible. It’s peaceful, restful, clarifying, and nourishing. It’s also where empathy arises from. I sense that this core center in us, is also the center of the entire universe. Many of the messages of equality or unity say that we have to make it happen somewhere 'out there'. You have to behave this or that way. You can say this, but you can’t say that. You have to fix this or that problem in the system and to do that you have to be this or that way. But it’s often only about the periphery. Trying to change just our periphery, we can end up compromising our unique way of being. Our unique way of being is the path to the center. I’ve lived the first 35 years of my life trying to change or fix the periphery. I didn’t know there was anything else to who I was or to life. I didn’t know because I was living in survival mode. This shift from survival surface living to more expansive living is in some ways like going from a heavy, colorless, one-dimensional, and hostile world to living in a place that is often vibrant, multi-dimensional, spontaneous, and full of wonder. Not always, but often. If I would have read my own words 10 years ago this would go right over my head. It needs to come from experience. But the words are there to help encourage and validate the experience. 
,Creating a better world that allows our human potential to thrive has to involve making the world kinder for children.
In order to make the world a kinder place for children we must first become aware of what harms them. In order to become aware of what harms them, we must first become aware of how we adults have been manipulated and harmed. One of the biggest problems globally is the epidemic of child abuse. More specifically massive pedophilia and sex trafficking kept in place by those in the highest positions of power. Politics and Religious organizations are two major things keeping this in place. While millions are embroiled in and distracted by sensationalism around Trump, the real harm continues by those presenting their "nice" faces and telling people what they want to hear and playing out the noble good guy/woman facade. The Obamas, the Clintons, The Pope, Joe Biden (I have to mention him since he is running) - just a few examples of people knowingly involved in enslavement and sex trafficking of children. Many many children are being traumatized everyday. They are used like objects to be bartered and passed around and god knows what else. There are many people involved in this. With varying levels of willingness. I am not trying to bring anyone down or pull you into negativity. If you are confused at any time by why I'm saying all this, re-read my first 3 statements. This may be new or not new to you. But the information is out there and evident for anyone willing to see it. If you want proof you can do your own research and decide for yourself. There is no shortage of people speaking out about this. Now, here is something important I want to say regarding all this: It's not about blame or retaliation. It's about awareness. The harm and abuse and those that are most benefiting from it, yes this needs to be exposed before anything significant can change. There does need to be protection put in place so abusers cannot continue to abuse and consequences for those perpetuating this. But if it's done from a place of wanting to punish out of retaliation, it will just continue the unconsciousness. As I see it "evil" is just an extreme form of unconsciousness. Many say that there are beings of evil that cannot heal or rehabilitate. I disagree. It's not that it's impossible to heal or change, it's just that some are just so invested in violence and deep in hatred and darkness that they do not want to change. For each being it has to be a choice to heal and change. No one can heal or rehabilitate another if they do not want it. I think the mistake that people can make is assuming everyone wants the same things. You have to see people for where they are and not what you want them to be. Another thing to consider, above I said there is various willingness from those who participate in the abuse. What I mean by that is that some people deep down would like to leave that world of abuse but feel they cannot. They perceive themselves to be trapped there. They have grown up being severely abused and threatened and may have been forced or pushed into abusing others. They are convinced they are bad people not realizing that it was setup that way to keep them tethered and unable to break free. This is how the cycle continues. So forgiveness and compassion with eyes open has to be part of all this. Also, we each have dark and light within us. Those that have not seen, faced, and healed enough of their own inner trauma and darkness will either not see it when it's right in front of them or they will just want violence against those involved. 
There is a lot of light on this planet. And it is growing. I've said this before, but I think its worth mentioning again and again.. The thing is, as the light grows, it exposes the darkness. This happens within us personally and is playing out on the world stage. Many are saying no to any conspiracies, they don't want to hear it. And it's your right to choose what information and views you want to be open to. This can be needed even in order to help yourself adjust to the changes you may already be going through. But I've often heard the phrase "conspiracy theorist" in a derogatory way. It can even have a lot of animosity and aggression in how it's used. People can conveniently dismiss a perspective or someone as "crazy" so as not to acknowledge discomfort or have to self-reflect. Personally, these days, I have been taken in less information about what's happening in the world. Right now, I'm exploring myself and going deeper within my own experience and intuition. If I need to know something I trust my intuition will alert me. But I'm personally grateful for all the out-of-the-box content I've come across over the years. I also like seeing all the perspectives and rebels in my newsfeed. Especially glad for those that stick their necks out to shake up the status quo. Over the years some of the information I've come across has shocked me, some of it disturbed me, some of it I had no idea what to do with or no way to prove or disprove. By noticing my triggers and reactions to outside information, it's helped me do several things: - See through my conditionings and naiveness - Loosen dependency and trust in systems outside of myself - Acknowledge, face, and transcend a lot of fear of dark things - Discern between believing (or not believing) and knowing - Trust myself and navigate from a deeper more intelligent sense in me than my intellect (the contrasting perspectives, often very extreme differences in views, were so confusing, it forced me to let go of my mind). So we can choose to take in information or not. We can agree or not. But I don't like any call for censorship of ideas. I don't care how noble the agenda seems. In fact, if there's ever a time to allow for everyone to have their perspectives and to explore possibilities, I think it is now. True knowing is more likely to arise within an atmosphere of freedom and exploration. Confusion and chaos often precede profound innovation. 
Recently I was struggling with my mind and was experiencing exhaustion. I could barely focus on anything longer than a few minutes and the exhaustion felt deep and existential. My thoughts were around how it's all so meaningless. I'm too tired to care. What's the point? It's all so meaningless. So much suffering (mine and others). So many lifetimes of seeking, of trying and what has it done? Nothing. I have nothing to show for any of it. I'm used to going through darkness and rough patches and ups and downs (it's natural for all of us sincere seekers at different phases. The light gets lighter but the dark also gets darker). But this time I thought I'd share since we are going through what I see as an unprecedented shift and time on this planet. In case it is of help to anyone. But more than the difficulties, I want to also share the awareness that came to me this morning after my relentless mind finally surrendered it's need to know and be in control. Out of the peaceful void I was resting in, this understanding came to me: There is no controlling what is happening on this planet. The dark will do what it does. The light will do what it does. Our true being is beyond all of it. Humans are no longer in control over this planet. This is a good thing, existence is doing what needs to be done. What is happening is not just beyond our control, it's also beyond our human comprehension. We can know bits and pieces. That's all. That's enough. Certainty is an illusion, we never had it but are now much more aware of it. This is bringing up a lot of pain and suffering. But the suffering has always been there. We were more able to avoid this through having our identity and sense of self-centered importance be constantly affirmed through our busyness and attachments. This is all being exposed as false. It's painful. Nothing and no one outside of our mind is the real cause of our pain. We can care for our well-being and for our loved ones. But we cannot choose who will stay and who will go. It's the choice of each Soul. We are losing our identity as humans and joining the rest of the universe. The only way out is to transform the layers of separateness created by our ego and re-join the universe. We are so much more than human, we are cosmic beings. ❤️ 
In my personal experience in how my self-awareness has grown in the 45 years I've been alive, and in my observation of people: I've realized something.
Most people who are afraid don't know they are afraid. A story: This was about 5 or so years ago, one morning during meditation I got a clear urging from within to focus on being centered. So I stayed very focused on that peaceful unmoving center within me as I got ready for work. *** It took me years of inner work to discover this center, before that, I didn't know what it meant to 'be centered', just a vague notion that it was to be peaceful and unaffected somehow, to be zen-like. Now I know it is that but doesn't always look zen-like on the surface. We can be in movement and expression of various feelings while also being centered and peaceful within. *** As I drove that morning to work still focusing on my center, someone in the stream of traffic stopped abruptly causing an accident involving about 5 cars. I was in one of those cars, and my car hit the guy's bumper in front of me, but not too hard. The women's car behind me, however, slammed very hard into mine, totaling my car. No one was hurt too seriously and I was unscathed, physically, and emotionally. I calmly just did what needed to be done while also observing what was happening around me. As all the drivers pulled over to wait for the police and deal with the situation, the woman who had slammed into me was visibly shaken. She shared with me that she has an anxiety disorder and suffers from panic attacks. It looked to me like she might have a panic attack soon. So I suggested that she breathe slowly and deeply and we did this together. This helped her and she relaxed a bit. Then I mentioned that the breathing will help her feel the fear and that it's okay to let the body shake and tremble. (I too have had panic attacks ) All of a sudden she reacted, upset at my use of the word 'fear', saying to me "What! I'm not afraid!". She was unconscious of the fact that anxiety and panic is fear. Her reaction to the word 'fear' was resistance to acknowledging it in herself. Acknowledging and feeling it though would have allowed it to move through her which could prevent a full-blown panic attack. (judging & resisting a feeling gives it more power over us) There are many ways we hide fear. Psychological phrases and diagnosis is one way we might do that. It can help us become somewhat more aware but only diagnosing ourselves mentally can keep us in our mind and out of our body. This happens especially in times of shock or abrupt change (I've done a lot of healing for myself around shock & trauma). Intentionally exploring the ways we hide fear and hide from fear is so helpful. Fear often drives us unconsciously, limiting our potential and happiness, and it's also built into our social fabric. We all experience fear yet there's this unspoken message that it's not okay to talk about it. And to show that we are afraid is not okay either and means we are weak somehow. I've often been surprised at what I've discovered when I explore my fears. But I'm so glad for this self-exploration path I've chosen because we can't change something without becoming aware of it first. ***************** Examples of fears: Fear of being rejected Fear of being alone Fear of making mistakes Fear of losing control Fear of being judged Fear of fear Fear of the unknown (a very challenging one) Fear of death (a very challenging one too and is related to fear of the unknown) What would you add to this list? 
When I was younger I would get pumped at this time of year with renewed hope for change (a brand new me!). I would make New Year’s resolutions with gusto, and then several weeks later would give up. Whatever change I planned was harder than I realized. I would feel deflated as I lost that hope to become the person I thought I should be in order to be happy. Then the next time came around and I would do the same thing thinking “This time I really mean it. I’m going to try harder.” Nothing really changed. The recurring loss of hope I later realized was necessary for me. I was using hope and I was using force. That is all that I knew at the time. Because underneath whatever goals I set, were variations of not being good enough. The hope of changing myself was a welcomed distraction from my pain at the time. But the change never stuck because the things I did was how I coped with the pain. The reason why I wasn’t happy was not REALLY because I smoked cigarettes, or went to bed too late, nor was it not being good at managing money, or being productive enough, or not having a boyfriend, or not being outgoing enough. When I realized this, I stopped making resolutions and goals. I instead dealt with my deeper issues and took life as it came. Then many changes happened from the healing and awakening process. The changes have been positive yet unpredictable. They manifested out of deep inner shifts, not from enforcing a preplanned outcome. The happiness discovered within became the initial spark, rather than something I hoped for in the future. Despite not chasing a certain outcome, action and expression though have been important. After years in this period of ‘no-goals’ it came time again to make resolutions. Or more accurately, to focus. I see this as a focus on what matters most. As an expression of a genuine expansion radiating up from the being. It is not a limiting of or force upon ourselves. It does not contain judgments and mental ideals. It has a different quality and comes from knowing it’s time to claim the direction necessary to expand and come out of our old shell. Focus also effortlessly exposes and eliminates the trivial. I've found this a great way to start a New Year. This initial choice in focus marks an exciting beginning, yet in my experience, the choice must be made again and again. And again and again. As many times as needed to shift from one way of living to another. 
At first, I felt uncomfortable and 'icky' about promoting and selling. I then got over that part and went into all of it enthusiastically and without bias. In the past few years, I have tried on many things and strategies while learning how to run this small solo business. Money. It seemed weird and random, a game of numbers that I didn’t know how to play. Now I feel the energetics of it. Sometimes I must charge a certain amount, sometimes I feel right in making something more accessible or free. The idea that I'm charging "what I'm worth" doesn’t actually feel true. The value of what I offer needed to be seen by one person. Me. This has been huge for me. Having an income is necessary and profit is nice, but it is not a reflection of my worth. I don’t want to analyze who my target audience is so I can figure how out how to cater to them. In being myself, I just see who shows up. They tell me who they are. I can run my business and still be spontaneous! Such a huge relief for me. And it's actually the best 'strategy' so I can allow what wants to come through me. At one point I saw that my ego was attached to success and so so happy to have transformed that! Would have been exhausting to constantly chase a carrot on a stick. And sad to be disconnected from my inner being like that. I don’t have a goal-setting practice anymore. If an inspiration or vision comes from within than I set goals and plan as necessary to bring it to reality. But the vision has to come first and I don’t like forcing it. If I need constant motivating from outside myself, something is off. I used to think I was a procrastinator. I've realized that this isn’t true. Sometimes the timing is just not right or what I planned to do or what I think I should do is actually not needed. Existence will push me to act when it's important. When it is avoidance, then it is an opportunity to transform an inner block. "You should think bigger and shoot higher" is an urging that is not always what it seems. Sometimes it is from someone's insecurity and not-enoughness. I feel compassion for all that but I'm not taking it on anymore. Genuine inner contentment is a treasure and it does not prevent creativity or expansion. Comparison and competition demotivate me. big time. Staying superficially small out of fear though, that is different and very worth looking at! I’ve seen my tendency to do this and although it’s common and understandable, I’ve also realized that it is selfish to withhold myself. Taking time away to be inward and to rest is not withholding myself. The only success I'm now interested in is what happens when I let go. My capacity to surrender into the unknown is slowly growing! Because of this, I’m being “successful” already. Coming to this space of letting go in my business and in my life, I feel a “thank you so much!” to me from my own heart. |
AuthorLeela Haris - Expanding Consciousness Archives
December 2020
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