Feelings of anger and frustration came up for me this week. Yet also heaviness and resistance at the thought of facing and exploring these feelings. The anger and frustration was triggered by recent world and U.S. events. Ugh, it’s too much, I just wanted to numb it all and go to sleep. But I knew I needed to work with these feelings. I started expressing it and the feelings of anger and frustration grew stronger and just kept coming, over and over. It felt endless as I traveled through this anger. I kept saying “I hate this situation!” and “I hate being here!”. Resistance and tiredness still in my body as I traveled back through many lifetimes. I felt acute frustration with this f***ing broken-record of experience on this planet: The same manipulation, the same darkness, the same hypnosis that uses fear to control people. At times I would break into tears of sadness and helplessness. I kept going knowing I was releasing all this from the cells in my body. I needed to express for all the times I felt these things but pushed it down. Some of the anger was at myself from participating in this darkness. Some of it was from being forced to censor myself. At other times anger at being severely punished for standing out. Further memories came at being publicly punished and humiliated and used as an example to instill fear in others. GRRRRR. It felt like this primal Tiger in me that just kept growling, and roaring, and wanting to rip everything up! But then a deeper experience of this primal energy came and this part did not feel like a wound. I was now accessing tremendous power. This anger was proof that I am alive. Proof that I know what doesn’t feel right. Proof that I know the difference between a lie and the truth. The tiredness and heaviness was released and I felt energized and awake. Then this primal power roar shifted again and became even bigger. Now it was like tidal waves moving through me! I allowed it to flow and it felt like a delicious and loving fire burning through and lighting up my body. Yet it also extended far beyond my body and personal self. I then realized something: This is not mine. This is the collective. But then the question came to me: Why do I need to feel and know about this collective expression of anger and power? What’s the point? The answer: To voice and share it. Many may be feeling this but stuffing it down, misunderstanding it, moralizing it and judging it. So that is why I am to share this. But then more came. An incredible vision. It filled me with awe and tears of joy started to flow. I saw the masses in unison saying “NO MORE”. All of humanity raising our fists in the air. This powerful collective energy surged through all beings and the entire planet. This powerful “NO MORE” did not feel violent, it did not feel thirsty for revenge, it did not feel divisive, projective or harmful. It felt AMAZING! It felt like LIFE. It felt like OUR HEARTS It felt like OUR POWER It felt like OUR LOVE It felt like all of us being vehicles for LIGHT The light in us seemed to me to be saying: WE ARE DONE NOW WITH THIS WE ARE DONE WITH YOUR ENDLESS WARS. WE ARE DONE FIGHTING AMONGST EACH OTHER. WE ARE DONE COMPETING WITH EACH OTHER. WE ARE DONE HARMING EACH OTHER. WE ARE DONE LETTING OUR CHILDREN BE ABUSED AND INDOCTRINATED. We are now ready to protect LIFE. OUR LIFE OUR RIGHTS - TO LIVE FULLY TO SPEAK TO FLOURISH TO LOVE TO BE ABUNDANT TO BE GIFTED AND POWERFUL AND HONEST AND LOVING TO AWAKEN WE ARE NOT PLAYING YOUR GAME ANYMORE. WE SEE THROUGH IT NOW So who are we shouting all this to? A small group of elite but hidden people who control and hoard this planet’s resources. They feed not just off accumulating money and false power, they feed off our fear and trauma and suffering. They intentionally create wars just to feed their appetites. Not just military war between countries though, they also intentionally fuel race and class wars and division among us. They love it when we hate each other. They love it when we fear each other and compete. They love it when we feel helpless and need someone to save us. They feed off it all like hungry vampires and zombies. They spread their vampiric ways to humanity so that we all think we are broken, wrong, limited, and sinful. They promote ideas of scarcity while hoarding. But what came to me is that the scarcity isn’t real and that this planet has plenty for all of us to live happy and abundant and fulfilling lives. In this vision we shout this “NO MORE” not just in solidarity against the elite darkness, but also, or maybe more importantly, as a collective DECISION. As an energetic unveiling into a new paradigm of Unity. Out of realizing that our differences do not need to be reason for war and suffering. We are all citizens of Earth and the Universe, we all belong here. Every race and ethnicity brings wisdom. Every path to the divine has its purpose and contribution. Every way of life has a learning for the soul that gravitates to it. This kind of Unity that I envision though does not ask us to fit in and compromise our deeper truths and our individuality. It does not censor us or require us to be homogeneous. In fact I envision a very colorful and diverse magical world where we can all shine in our uniqueness. There are different ideas of how to best be together in an organized society though (or not organized if that’s what you feel is best). I see us forming smaller groups to live the way we want. These smaller groups are not created out of separation though and do not exist in opposition to each other. They exist to bring about creativity and human potential. There is no competition between the groups, only mutual respect even though we see things differently. No one imposes their ideas onto others or needs to compete for resources. The groups are created so that each person has a chance to honor themselves and live in the way they feel most in alignment with. People are free to visit and come and go among the groups which will be scattered all across our beautiful planet. The groups will provide an opportunity for souls to come here and joyfully learn according to what they need to experience to continue evolving in their journey on Earth and through the Universe. But this new paradigm will not include violence, control, or repressive right/wrong beliefs. The Souls that need to learn through that kind of thing will have to go elsewhere. Many people think this vision of a new world I describe is impossible because they think humans are inherently dumb, broken, flawed, greedy, and violent. I think that with time we will come to realize this as a limiting belief of the past that we’ve been hypnotized with and has very little to do with our true nature, which is love. I think this will be seen more and more when light overtakes darkness on this planet. I don’t know when or how this will come about. But I feel excited at all the possibilities! For now, we each can heal our history and continue evolving and discover this in our own hearts and lives.
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My father had a brief stay in the hospital once (it turned out to be nothing serious).
Several of us were visiting and had gathered around him as he rested in his hospital bed. He and my young nephew were hungry so someone brought some burgers and fries. While eating my father offered my little nephew one of his fries. My nephew instinctively and gleefully took it and gobbled it up. My nephew's father (my brother), alarmed at this, said to him: “No No, don't take grandpa's food. You have your own." Even though he was just simply accepting a gift that was joyfully & freely offered to him. A few moments later, ignoring my brother's lecture, grandpa offers him another fry. This time my nephew raises his hand and waves it in objection and says "no, I can't take it". My brother beamed in pride at seeing this and there was a moment of admiration in the room about how kind and good my nephew is. But as I watched this unfold I knew my little innocent nephew wasn't truly BEING kind, he was following the orders he was given for how to behave. It wasn't coming from his heart's truth. He wanted the fry but learned in that moment how to act differently. This is how most of our human population is. We experience many moments like my nephew that shape us to act a certain way. With time we start to believe the act is who we are. We then expect and ask others to act accordingly too. Many are also like my brother, trying to raise a good child. Maybe even a good christian who believes in and follows god. They want their children to be a force of something good and an example of what they believe is right. Perhaps also wanting them to get to heaven someday. But in our programmed "good behavior", in our false humbleness and "niceness", we are far from our innate goodness, God is farthest from us in those times. Because God is what we are, when we are BEING what we are. I have been where my nephew is, trying to survive in this upside-down world. I have been the others in the room admiring "how sweet he is" and I have so often been my brother, passing down my belief & control patterns to vulnerable ones. But.... GOD was already there, saying YES to the french fry. 
"Zero-Point" by Leela Haris, Tempera on 18x24 140lb Watercolor Paper
On the periphery we each have our stories, diverse experiences, and unique way of being in the world. At our core, in our center, is something beyond our personal identity. This is the only place where I’ve glimpsed true equality and unity. This place is also sometimes called the zero-point. Where nothing is happening and yet all is possible. It’s peaceful, restful, clarifying, and nourishing. It’s also where empathy arises from. I sense that this core center in us, is also the center of the entire universe. Many of the messages of equality or unity say that we have to make it happen somewhere 'out there'. You have to behave this or that way. You can say this, but you can’t say that. You have to fix this or that problem in the system and to do that you have to be this or that way. But it’s often only about the periphery. Trying to change just our periphery, we can end up compromising our unique way of being. Our unique way of being is the path to the center. I’ve lived the first 35 years of my life trying to change or fix the periphery. I didn’t know there was anything else to who I was or to life. I didn’t know because I was living in survival mode. This shift from survival surface living to more expansive living is in some ways like going from a heavy, colorless, one-dimensional, and hostile world to living in a place that is often vibrant, multi-dimensional, spontaneous, and full of wonder. Not always, but often. If I would have read my own words 10 years ago this would go right over my head. It needs to come from experience. But the words are there to help encourage and validate the experience. 
I sense the light on this planet is growing and that as the light grows, it exposes the darkness. I have observed how this happens within us personally and also how it plays out on the world stage. Many are saying no to any conspiracies, they don't want to hear it. And it's your right to choose what information and views you want to be open to. This can be needed even in order to help yourself adjust to the changes you may already be going through. But I've often heard the phrase "conspiracy theorist" in a derogatory way. It can even have a lot of animosity and aggression in how it's used. People can conveniently dismiss a perspective or someone as "crazy" so as not to acknowledge discomfort or have to self-reflect. Personally, these days, I have been taken in less information about what's happening in the world. Right now, I'm exploring myself and going deeper within my own experience and intuition. If I need to know something I trust my intuition will alert me. But I'm personally grateful for all the out-of-the-box content I've come across over the years. I also like seeing all the perspectives and rebels in my newsfeed. Especially glad for those that stick their necks out to shake up the status quo. Over the years some of the information I've come across has shocked me, some of it disturbed me, some of it I had no idea what to do with or no way to prove or disprove. By noticing my triggers and reactions to outside information, it's helped me do several things: - See through my conditionings and naiveness - Loosen dependency and trust in systems outside of myself - Acknowledge, face, and transcend a lot of fear of dark things - Discern between believing (or not believing) and knowing - Trust myself and navigate from a deeper more intelligent sense in me than my intellect (the contrasting perspectives, often very extreme differences in views, were so confusing, it forced me to let go of my mind). So we can choose to take in information or not. We can agree or not. But I don't like any call for censorship of ideas. I don't care how noble the agenda seems. In fact, if there's ever a time to allow for everyone to have their perspectives and to explore possibilities, I think it is now. True knowing is more likely to arise within an atmosphere of freedom and exploration. Have you noticed how confusion and chaos often precede profound innovation? 
In my personal experience in how my self-awareness has grown in the 45 years I've been alive, and in my observation of people: I've realized something.
Most people who are afraid don't know they are afraid. A story: This was about 5 or so years ago, one morning during meditation I got a clear urging from within to focus on being centered. So I stayed very focused on that peaceful unmoving center within me as I got ready for work. *** It took me years of inner work to discover this center, before that, I didn't know what it meant to 'be centered', just a vague notion that it was to be peaceful and unaffected somehow, to be zen-like. Now I know it is that but doesn't always look zen-like on the surface. We can be in movement and expression of various feelings while also being centered and peaceful within. *** As I drove that morning to work still focusing on my center, someone in the stream of traffic stopped abruptly causing an accident involving about 5 cars. I was in one of those cars, and my car hit the guy's bumper in front of me, but not too hard. The women's car behind me, however, slammed very hard into mine, totaling my car. No one was hurt too seriously and I was unscathed, physically, and emotionally. I calmly just did what needed to be done while also observing what was happening around me. As all the drivers pulled over to wait for the police and deal with the situation, the woman who had slammed into me was visibly shaken. She shared with me that she has an anxiety disorder and suffers from panic attacks. It looked to me like she might have a panic attack soon. So I suggested that she breathe slowly and deeply and we did this together. This helped her and she relaxed a bit. Then I mentioned that the breathing will help her feel the fear and that it's okay to let the body shake and tremble. (I too have had panic attacks ) All of a sudden she reacted, upset at my use of the word 'fear', saying to me "What! I'm not afraid!". She was unconscious of the fact that anxiety and panic is fear. Her reaction to the word 'fear' was resistance to acknowledging it in herself. Acknowledging and feeling it though would have allowed it to move through her which could prevent a full-blown panic attack. (judging & resisting a feeling gives it more power over us) There are many ways we hide fear. Psychological phrases and diagnosis is one way we might do that. It can help us become somewhat more aware but only diagnosing ourselves mentally can keep us in our mind and out of our body. This happens especially in times of shock or abrupt change (I've done a lot of healing for myself around shock & trauma). Intentionally exploring the ways we hide fear and hide from fear is so helpful. Fear often drives us unconsciously, limiting our potential and happiness, and it's also built into our social fabric. We all experience fear yet there's this unspoken message that it's not okay to talk about it. And to show that we are afraid is not okay either and means we are weak somehow. I've often been surprised at what I've discovered when I explore my fears. But I'm so glad for this self-exploration path I've chosen because we can't change something without becoming aware of it first. ***************** Examples of fears: Fear of being rejected Fear of being alone Fear of making mistakes Fear of losing control Fear of being judged Fear of fear Fear of the unknown (a very challenging one) Fear of death (a very challenging one too and is related to fear of the unknown) What would you add to this list? 
Not feeling good enough for someone. Who hasn't felt this way at some point?
Here is my understanding about this.- When we are carrying an insecurity about ourselves, we may experience others as not accepting us. This can result as patterns of conflict with others or of trying to please them. This is very common but keeps us trapped in a painful and draining situation. You can watch for any time you want to prove something to someone or get them to accept you in some way. When you spot it happening: Stop. Breathe. Breathe slowly and deeply. And instead of focusing on the other person, explore your inner world (thoughts, emotions, sensations). You can take this even further by exploring with an intention to see the Truth. If you can manage to make this shift in focus, if you can withstand the initial force of resistance, before you even get to an insight, you will already feel a huge shift. You will likely feel energized. I call this INNER EMPOWERMENT. People are incredible reflections of what we need to understand within. This does not mean we allow ourselves to be mistreated all over the place. This is not contrary to speaking up and not allowing someone to impose their judgments or views on us. In fact, it may lead to doing just that. Not as a hurt-based reaction, but out of a self-respect for ourselves. Seems paradoxical, but the inner focus makes us kinder and more honest. We become trustworthy. Because we minimize burdening others with our pain. Our hearts can open in the recognition that others are struggling too and that it has nothing to do with us personally. I've experienced this countless times. But at first I would beat myself up. Feeling bad that I was doing something wrong to draw to me negative reflections and dynamics. But with time more joy and self-compassion has come in. And with experience I know the consequences of not doing it and the incredible awe-inspiring gifts of doing it. 
I don't go to art museums much anymore. I used to. I've always loved visual art. But when I discovered something called Process Art years ago, I realized what I loved.
It is aliveness. It is spontaneity. It is originality. It is the surprise of color and form and how they interact. I appreciate an artist's skills, the talent that comes from years of hard work and practice. Professional artists deserve recognition for the beauty they bring and inspire. But what I appreciate the most is the energy that comes from someone being present in the act of creating. Professional or not. The aliveness is captured, and it does not matter to me what it looks like. This often comes from the very people I meet that tell me I AM NOT AN ARTIST They look to me for permission "Is it okay if I come to your painting class?” There is something inside that is longing to be expressed. The answer is of course always YES This image is my painting. Many of my paintings look like they came from a young child and I have loved painting them. Freedom of expression brings an inexplicable joy and expansion and taps us into the inner essence of creativity. Artists. Non-artists. It's all good here. Because there is something deeper happening than the mind's perception of "good" - "bad" or "appropriate" - "inappropriate". That is why I have chosen to call these classes Meditative Painting. (If no classes currently scheduled - sign up at bottom of events page to be notified when they are). 
My perspective on what it means to Be Conscious.
It is not in the way I talk or words I use. It's not the way I look, act, or dress. It is not a technique I use or approach to life I prefer. It is not the teacher I love working with. Nor is it about some kind of gift, talent, or ability. It is not in being kind nor is it in any particular trait in me. It's not a list of good deeds I can show off. It's not in the money or any outer success I can attain. It's not in environmentally aware habits, living clean, or simple. It's not in not having money, success or possessions either. Becoming more conscious can certainly influence and bring profound changes, it has for me. The outer changes though, for me, are really secondary. Wonderful. But secondary. Consciousness for me is an inner alert state of being. It has nothing to do with spiritual correctness, in fact it obliterates it. I've come to a realization that consciousness is the only thing that recognizes and detects consciousness. Which is one reason there is so much confusion out there. This confusion is when we try to think ourselves into being conscious. A story to illustrate what I'm trying to say… Years ago, through a few documentaries, I became aware of how horribly animals are treated in the meat industry. Months after this I began to ask myself "If I care for animals, why am I still eating meat knowing how cruelly they are treated?" I wasn't judging myself. I was honestly curious about this. Not long after this question arose for me, I discovered that deep down I believed myself to be dark. I was initially nervous to find out where this belief came from and what the darkness was about. In allowing this belief to fully surface and be expressed (using the Dalian Method) I discovered this rigid stubbornness in me insisting that I AM dark. Insisting that this is who I am: “I like being dark and dammit I'm not letting this go!” During the healing session this then shifted and I felt the fear that was behind the stubbornness. I was afraid (terrified actually) to dissolve into the light. The fear lasted several minutes then it released from my system. A wonderful peace and clarity surfaced. I realized that the so-called darkness didn't have much substance to it. It was just my ego that wanted to stay in that identity of being dark because it was afraid to dissolve into the light. I let go of that identity and welcomed the beauty of more light (of expanded consciousness). After this I decided it was time to stop eating meat. The next day after I made the decision, during my lunch break from my office job, I went to my usual Mexican food place. Out of habit I initially ordered something with meat and then stopped. I remembered my decision and changed my order to a vegetarian option. In that moment when I switched and ordered the vegetarian item I saw a vision of myself stepping out of the stream of darkness I had been attached to. It was a beautiful experience in honoring with action my shift in consciousness. It was a way for me to step out of the old identity. Now, here is what I didn’t have a desire to do… To BECOME a vegetarian. Meaning I was not interested in now having a new identity for my ego to attach itself to. "I was dark, but now I'm light and don't eat meat". I wasn’t interested in telling people they should do it too or feeling superior to meat-eaters and making any assumptions about them. I was simply letting something go. I didn't want to fill that new space with something else. To fill it with a new identity (even if it does seem like an improvement over the old one). Instead I can enjoy having more space and light in me. Working inside-out is how I like to do things. If I had become a vegetarian before that inner shift happened because I "should" than I am not sure how it would have gone. It would not have had the same meaning for me and I would’ve struggled with sticking to it. I probably would have also created another battle within (by trying to think myself into consciousness). And if I’m really wanting to eat meat, which I do every now and then, I just let myself have it. I’m not going to fight with my cravings (been there, it sucks). I'm not bound to anything either. My habits, including "bad" ones, are just to help me understand and discover new things. About life. About what it is to be human. About myself. After what I've personally released and have worked through over the years, the last thing I want is more programming or another ideology (however healthy or altruistic it may seem). There are definitely major turning points in my life but Being Conscious isn't a place I arrive at, it is an on-going expansion into new experiences. Some experiences I admit are way more enjoyable than others. But it is a never-ending discovery that lets me stay open and flexible so I can adjust when I learn something new (or UN-learn something new). This is how I work best, it's not necessarily going to look this way for everyone. Perhaps for another it is expansive and fulfilling a purpose for them to tackle certain problems in our society. Just like those documentaries influenced me and I'm glad someone created them. **Technically I’m a pescatarian because I eat seafood. 
I love my body. Not in the physical way and in the "my body is beautiful as it is" kinda way. That's there as well. But what I mean is how my body brings me to the Truth. I've had times where my mood seems very low and I'm thinking things are not going well in my life. Then I allow my attention to drop deeper into myself, into my body, and I have felt a surprising lightness and a palpable sense that all is okay and fine. Sometimes I will be excited and in a whirlwind of feel-good energy, but then I realize that my body is signaling to me that something isn't right. This has happened to me a lot actually, since I tend towards excitability. This can happen in my love life, it can happen in my friendships and in group settings. All is seemingly great but then I get a moment to myself and something in my body doesn't feel good. It might feel like being suddenly drained or tired. I've also experienced it as uneasiness in my own skin. Sometimes it’s a heaviness in my heart. Nothing wrong with that bubbly fun energy. I like that about me yet I've been looking more closely at times where I am in that experience and have momentarily disconnected from myself. In these moments I'm not truly experiencing connection or real joy, I'm actually escaping from something. I might have been escaping because I don't want to acknowledge to myself that I do not resonate with the ideas coming from people I'm around in that moment (nothing personal against others and their choices). Or it might just be time for me to rest and be alone and I'm resisting it. I've also seen myself be entertaining to people to get attention I've been craving. Exploring escapism, especially in social situations, has brought up valuable opportunities for transforming my blind spots. A major one for me right now is the fear of being alone. In working with this fear I've had beautiful glimpses that I'm never alone because I have myself. And within myself is all of existence. But there are deeper layers still operating on this fear. I am actually feeling sad as I write this. I realized yesterday how I still diminish myself, my wisdom, and the work I do to at times to avoid feeling isolated and misunderstood (being alone). Ouch. In diminishing myself I broke my own heart. 
I know this sadness is necessary though and I'm just letting it be there and feeling it.
This is why I love my body, it connects me to the Truth, even if that Truth is uncomfortable. It won't let me kid myself. Where have you noticed the difference between what your mind or mood is saying and what your body is saying? Feel free to share in comments. 
“This Should Be Easy” <- Ever have this judgment toward yourself?
I have this habit - When anything breaks or something needs to be maintained: on my car, on my computer, or in my home. I immediately go into mental complaining and resistance. If possible I will find a way to avoid dealing with it. Even the smallest things. The other day I got home and a light bulb in my kitchen went out. My mind immediately said what it typically says “Oh man, such a pain. Nah, I’ll change the light bulb later. I can live with less light in here”. I saw the resistance and thoughts very clearly. Instead, I went down to my basement storage to get a new light bulb and changed it. I find these daily life things a struggle and often the thought comes “This should be easy” which fuels more resistance to what is. What I started to do is have a little “I’m so proud of me!” party when I deal with something I would normally put off. So after I changed the light bulb…. instead of being a stern parent by telling myself that I did something I SHOULD do...I recognized that little victory and celebrated it. I gave myself a hug and said “Good job Leela!” and then did a little happy dance. Imagine me in my kitchen dancing around singing and flailing my arms up “Yay I changed the light bulb!” I already give myself credit for more obviously challenging things, but wanted to speak to the less-obvious & under-acknowledged challenges we face. So here is what happens when I give myself credit:
I know what is easy for me and what is challenging for me. I can honor this instead of letting comparison, and the outer world’s ideas (including my own mind) dictate what 'should' be easy. After reading this do you now realize what you need to give yourself credit for? Let me know in the comments. We can have a “I’m so proud of Me” party! Or don’t share and do it alone if that feels most self-empowering for you! ***If you are unable to go beyond a particular place of struggle or self-judgment, then there is something causing it that you haven’t yet become aware of. Explore what that could be! You can also give yourself credit for something that feels already pretty light with not so much self-judgment (for example, my ‘should be easy’ judgments I refer to in this blog were not very intense for me to begin with.) |
AuthorLeela Haris - Expanding Consciousness Archives
July 2021
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