Recently I was missing a man I’ve been experiencing a deep connection with. In particular, I felt this longing to feel his physical body close and to feel his arms around me firmly. To feel our skin touch.
As I was feeling this I started to wonder if or how I could give what I longed for - to myself. I felt a curiosity about what can be possible if I explored this.
I then, without thinking, walked into my bedroom and removed all my clothes, and laid down on my back on my soft bed. I ran my hands through my hair and spread it around me. I began touching the sides of my face and then moved my hand gently across my shoulders and chest.
I said out loud “I love you Leela”. I kept saying this as I moved both hands over more areas of my body. I wanted to attend to all of me.
“I love you Leela” out loud, over and over. I began feeling more warmth inside.
Initially, some thoughts floated through my mind saying “This is not as good as being loved by him” and “This is silly, it won’t do anything”.
But I kept going and more energy moved sweetly through my body with subtle electricity. This felt intimate and I felt turned on but in a way of just feeling more alive, not strongly sexual (at least not in the sense of how we usually think of ‘sexual’).
Then there was a moment where the “I love you Leela” was no longer feeling like just me saying this. It seemed to be coming from beyond me, that it was the universe saying “I love you Leela”. My energy began expanding and my body felt lightweight.
Lately, I have been so drawn to being around and connecting to men. I’ve been loving and desiring the feeling of masculine energy (and in women that have that too). This is from wanting to feel contained.
As I have been opening my heart more and becoming much more vulnerable (sometimes fear, pain, or discomfort comes) - I have been awed at the support that shows up. So many times someone responds to me with exquisite kindness and care or wisdom or I hear something or read something that is exactly what I need in that moment.
So back to loving myself - as my hands moved down my body while feeling the universe tell me it loves me, it felt especially good to feel my hands caress down my legs and the best part was pressing the palm of my hand against the bottom of my foot and hearing “I love you Leela”. I then felt more contained.
It was nice being made love to like this from myself and the universe, to feel that quiet bigness of love all around me and inside me. To dissolve some of that feeling of being separate from life.
*** One way I would describe what feeling contained means: Have you ever walked and was unsure of where the ground is under your feet? That feeling of being wobbly and unsure and that you might fall at any moment? Feeling contained for me is the opposite of that - a feeling of the ground being very there, very strong and solid as it lovingly meets my feet.
Have you done anything kind for yourself lately? I would love to receive it in the comments. Nakedness not required :)
I’ve discovered something. I measured the size of the heart and it is the same size as the universe.
It is that big! It can open that much! It can vibrate out to the edge of ALL that is.
This has been an extraordinary discovery for me.
And another discovery: I've often felt the heart to be warm and sweet - yet there is something else.
The heart is wild. SO WILD.
I am not speaking of the idea of the heart in our mind. I am speaking about that place in your chest. That very physical place that beats inside you. That pumps and cleanses life through you. You feel it don't you? You can put your hand there now as you read and feel these words. ❤️
It is wild because of how little it knows. How little it knows of how to behave. Of that it is not supposed to love big or hurt big. It doesn’t know of such a thing as "too far". Of how and who it should be allowed to love. It doesn't know about should and shouldn't. It doesn't know that you are different from me. It doesn't know we are not supposed to love each other. It does not know the labels we hide under or put on each other. It doesn't know that I'm "here" and you are over "there".
It doesn't have those ideas. The heart isn't smart in that way. Thank god for you foolish heart. Thank God because God IS a foolish heart.
But the heart does know.
The heart knows when it is time to open. The heart knows who to open to. When to laugh. When to cry. And when to softly close and wait. Wait for the warmth she needs. The warmth she deserves. She finds that she can keep herself warm.
The heart also breaks.
The grief. The pain. Loss. Attachments we want to grip onto but still get torn from us.
The hurt from the stab of a cruel word. The hurt of being turned away "Your love is not allowed here. Be serious. Be realistic."
The heart breaking open..
Breaking us open to life.
And then the sadness from the disconnect.
As I feel layers of armor melt from me. As I remove more clothes and coverings. As I feel more ecstatic, more raw, and naked, and in moments this pulsating at the edge of an unknown forest: I see a world that might be moving the opposite way.
Questions come to me: Is this going to be permanent? This way of not getting physically close to another? Bodies hugging in public becoming rare? Is it going to be a thing now to minimize exposure of mouth and nose and obscuring the face? To not breathe in too much oxygen? Will these things become another “too risky”? Too dangerous? Or even dirty and wrong?
Are we to sanitize all of it? All the time?
Is this how it is now?
And something inside cries out - “please don't. Please world. Don't go that way!”
It hurts to see this and feel this.
Then things settle and this heart calmly says: Well okay world you will do what you do and I don't think it's in me to fight you, but I want you to know something - If you decide to go that way. I will not be going with you. I will find and discover another world.
I don't wanna sanitize this. The heart wants to stay wild.
Leela Haris - Expanding Consciousness