Did you think you were done with the really hard stuff?
Not much more pain? No more falling apart? It’s uphill from now on?
The light inside seems to just keep growing and growing and then…
… the ground falls away, and everything goes dark.
See, there is a time for being in the sun, for joy and expansion and so much knowing and stepping into your truth. Into your power. For wholeness. Answers come. This is a time for Life.
And then there is a time for falling apart. For being lost in a dark room. The terror of the unknown. What used to feel so real doesn’t anymore. Sacred Disintegration. This is a time of a dying.
The truth is, you don’t know what is going to come. What the next layer will be like.
It sometimes shows up when we least expect it, when we feel the strongest or when we have experienced a huge transformation in our lives. It can feel the opposite of where we thought we were headed.
And it will feel like you are dying. You want to scream. You wonder what you did wrong. What mistake you are making to bring up so much pain and doubt.
You may question your sanity. All those realizations you have had… well, are they meaningless? Is anything real?
Why do all this work? What’s the point? Just to bring more pain and darkness? Left with nothing, just being here naked and raw. Shivering in the cold. So much sacrifice. But nothing gained.
You may doubt your decision to walk the path of individuality, to find and know yourself. It would have been easier to fit in. To go along with the crowd. Borrowed truths aren’t very satisfying, but they seem secure compared to this.
Birthing your truth is so much harder than you ever imagined. It almost doesn’t feel worth it. Why wake up when you can stay safely asleep? You feel the danger of it all, and you wonder if you have what it takes.
… you do have what it takes.
This is happening because all the work you have done has given you the inner strength to go through this disintegration.
Feel this. Let it really sink in.
You do have what it takes.
You haven’t done anything wrong. Even though your mind is screaming at you that you have.
Did you ask to be real?
To come alive?
To know Love, to be Love, to be loved?
To know who you really are?
Well, you are being loved right now. And your mind can never love in a true way. Your mind knows survival and safety. It knows how to conform and hold on. It stands at every gate you pass through.
We have to die a mini-death at each gate to bring forth what is next. We go deeper. We descend.
Despite many of the popular New Age Ascension messages against what is seen as negative or lower vibrations: We ascend only as high as we are able to descend into our depths.
True love can hurt sometimes. It hurts what is false. What we are holding on to what we think who we are. But what we think doesn’t come close to the potential that we have inside.
Your false self is what is dying. Another layer shed. It’s not supposed to feel good. It’s not supposed to fit in with your neatly laid out plans. Something bigger wants to happen that your plans are insufficient to hold.
Is your trust coming from having life bend to your will? Then it’s okay if that trust shatters. You are being introduced to real trust. Something enduring. Something so much bigger than your ego.
We have been taught to believe that pain and fear are weaknesses. We tend to think we are doing something wrong when we are hurting.
But have you thought about how huge and profound it is to come home? How many lifetimes of unfelt pain you are strong enough to be traveling through right now? How many false beliefs you are untangling yourself from?
Of course, bringing your soul into the world will feel impossibly hard at times. The most amazing thing we can do for ourselves and this planet is also the most challenging thing as well.
You are so amazing. Look at what you are trying to do as the big dreamer that you are. The fact that you dare to do this work. The beauty and love inside you is pushing up to be seen and felt.
Thus everything that is not love is being revealed. Life is asking to love you, and she kisses you where it hurts. But she will not take the pain away until it’s time. You are not being punished. You are being born.
Some advice from me if you are in a Sacred Disintegration:
Mistakes, Failures, Missteps… it’s all a part of it, to trip and fall in that dark room. Learn what needs to be learned, but also be kind to yourself.
If part of you wants to expand and part of you wants to stay small, it can create almost unbearable tension. Give voice to both. Be especially brutality honest about the part of you that doesn’t want to deal with it.
That wants to hide from Truth and hold on to the known. That wants to go back to sleep. The spiritually Incorrect one.
Once you give it voice and let it live, and not try to shame it into shape, then it can relax and you can find your way back to this work in a way that feels authentic. Instead of shoulding yourself into it.
Be aware of the people around you. You may need to speak this experience to only those who are also turning and heading back home. Even those who consider themselves spiritual may not be working towards their own individuality.
In many ways, they can’t help but judge (and fear you) because they are not there yet. They can’t understand something they have never experienced or don’t desire.
They may think you are unstable, or somehow see you as going down a dark or wrong path. Watch for fear-laden advice.
Loving you in all your dark places,
Leela Haris ~ Expanding Consciousness